


Sunshine

by Puppet66



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Alternate Universe - Canon, Anger Management, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Barebacking, Blow Jobs, Bungalow, Canon Related, Canon Rewrite, Chaptered, Coming Out, Cutting, Family Feels, Family Fluff, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Hand Jobs, Headcanon, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Invasion of Privacy, Larry Stylinson Is Real, Long, M/M, Mentions of Taylor Swift, Nightmares, POV Multiple, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protectiveness, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sexual Violence, Sleepy Cuddles, Take Me Home Tour, The X Factor Era, Truth or Dare, Underage Smoking, Up All Night Tour, it is a trauma thing, larry stylinson - Freeform, this is not a non-con kink
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-23
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-14 04:54:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 81,426
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29662056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Puppet66/pseuds/Puppet66
Summary: Life should be perfect, becoming a world famous boy band with your best friends and the love of your life right beside you. But there is trouble in paradise. Louis and Harry try to cope with the pressures of their new life and the glass closet they are being forced into, relying on each other to cope. They share everything, or that is what Harry thinks but Louis has a secret. A secret that is tearing him apart.Can Louis find the strength to seek help or will he self destruct? What is worse, being forcefully closeted or being cruelly outed?
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	1. You Don't Know You're Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first fanfic so I don't really know what I am doing and it is probably going to be quite long. I am not finished yet so I will keep adding chapters as I finish them.
> 
> I don't mean any offense to anyone. This is just my headcanon inspired by one direction and Larry. I do not at all claim that any of this is real I made it up. I do use real names of celebrities but change the names of family members and friends. 
> 
> The story follows a lot of events from x-factor through post Take Me Home Tour. But plenty of things will be out of order, mixed up, made up, and mentioned before they exist (like songs etc.)
> 
> There is some pretty heavy stuff in here but all triggers are not present in every chapter so I will be sure to add relevant trigger warnings in the summary of each chapter and as I write it I will add anything that comes up to the tags. Please let me know if I miss something so I can tag it.
> 
> Thank you!
> 
> TW: Past Child Abuse, Anger, Anxiety

_ “ _ _ When did you two first meet?” _

_ “ _ _ At boot camp..” _

_ And when did you start to form your, shall we call it, special bond?” _

_ "It all started at my dad's Bungalow." _

_ "Well maybe it started before that but that is when I.... we first became aware of it." _

1

The warm August sun beats on the back of my neck as I push the mower around the large lawn of the Bungalow. It is a big job but I want the place to be nice when everyone arrives.

I am trying to ignore the growing tightness in my stomach as my nerves pick up. The next two weeks are going to be really important and I don't want to mess it up. The boys and I have been chatting online but this is our opportunity to rehearse, get to know each other, and hopefully turn into a cohesive band. It is a lot of pressure on five teenage boys. We are all willing to chase our own dreams, why else would any of us audition for X-Factor? But now, we have to dream together if we have any chance of succeeding. Standing on the X-Factor stage I easily agreed to the band but over the past month it has been dawning on me just how much responsibility and pressure all of this is.

As I am putting the mower back in the shed my phone beeps, checking my texts I see I have one from Liam that just came in and two older ones from Louis that must have come in while I was mowing the lawn.

Liam: I will be there in approximately 20 minutes.

Liam has been sending me his ETAs all day.

Harry: Cool. See you soon, mate.

I walk in the house and grab a water bottle from the fridge, drinking it while I look over my handy work. I have cleaned the whole Bungalow and set the big room up for sleeping and hanging out. There is the couch and the only three air mattresses I could find, one bed short but we will have to make it work, I will sleep on the floor if I have to.

I thumb to Louis' text, this is the first I have heard from him today.

Louis: Should I get booze while I'm in town?

Louis: I am taking your silence as a yes.

Louis is the oldest of us and 18, making him the only one that can buy alcohol.

Harry: Good Plan. 

That was a dry response but I can’t think of anything better to say.

Oh god, Louis said he was in town does that mean his train has already arrived? He sent these texts like 30 minutes ago.... I really hope Liam gets her first or any of the other boys, I haven't heard from Niall or Zayn at all. I really like Louis, we hit it off at bootcamp but he is so intense and energetic, I am not sure I can handle him on my own.

Ding. Another text.

Louis: My plans are the best.

Ding.

Louis: My cab is pulling up right now.

Okay, it's on. We are doing this. People are arriving, and of course it is Louis to get here first. I'm breathing heavier than I should be as I open the door and step out into the lawn and see a cab parking down by the road. I rush down to the road to help Louis bring his stuff in.

A boy wearing red shorts and a blue and white striped t-shirt hops out of the cab flicking his head to the side to get the straight brown hair out of his eyes. His large, deep blue eyes that are now focused on me.

"Haaaaaaaaaary!"

Before I know what is happening Louis is in my arms wrapping me in a big bear hug.

"Great to see you mate," he says directly in my ear and then pulls back.

"Hey, Louis! Have any trouble finding this place?"

"I don't know, ask the driver." I turn to face said driver as he pulls Louis' bags out of the car setting them in the grass.

"Let me help with that," I say as I walk over and pick up Louis' overstuffed backpack. He walks over to pay the driver.

"Thanks for the ride. I hope your wife and kid feel better soon. Here is my number, text me and I will get you the recipe for my mum’s chicken soup." Louis says handing cash over to the driver and a slip of paper, presumably with his number on it. The driver smiles widely at him and agrees that he will do so. Sounds like Louis has charmed the driver. I’m not surprised. 

Louis bounds back over to me as the driver pulls away. Grabbing the brown paper bag and case of beer off the ground he shouts, "race you!" and starts sprinting to the bungalow.

I can't help but smile as I chase him up the lawn quickly gaining on him and leaving him behind. I stop right at the door and turn around to shout, "That's the best you got! I thought you were an athlete!"

"Not a fair race mate, I'm carrying more than you." Louis pants as he comes to a stop in front of me.

" Sounds like a personal problem, you started it anyway."

I see a mischievous spark in his blue, and before I can react he sets the bag down and reaches around me slapping the door. "I win!! I touched the door first!"

"No one said ....'' I get cut off by Louis' loud laughter and I can't help but join in. As we both cackle my eyes meet his. He doesn't break the contact and I find myself admiring how the bright sunlight makes his blue eyes look lighter, almost the color of the sky. Our laughs are tapering off and I am now very aware of the fact that Louis is standing toe to toe with me, one of his hands pressed against the door at my back.

A car door slams by the road and Louis drops his arm, stepping back to pick up the paper bag.

"That must be Liam," I stutter turning around and opening the door. "Go on in and make yourself comfortable," I say as I set Louis' backpack in the entryway. "I will go see if he needs any help."

2

Harry walks past me and onto the lawn. I step forward into the small Bungalow. I am immediately assaulted by the acidic smell of cleaning products. He obviously just mowed the yard and now it is clear he scrubbed this place down. I catch myself grinning. That boy is so cute, he worked really hard to get this place ready. I kick my Toms off not wanting to track dirt in with me. Damnit of course I didn't wear socks… not that I ever do.

I step further into what appears to be the main room of the house, there is a large open area with a couch and some air mattresses set up. I put the beer and booze down and pick up my backpack looking around for somewhere to put it. I am feeling very unsure and self conscious. I hate feeling like this, I always work so hard to be confident and fun but in new situations I feel off kilter and tend to over compensate. Like just now, a race to the house? How old am I, five?

I settle on placing my bag against a wall so it is out of the way. Looking around I see that the far end of the main room has an opening into a kitchen. I am carrying the alcohol in that direction as Harry and Liam come through the door.

"Come on in, just set your bag down wherever you want." Harry is saying to the taller boy with light brown hair. I set down everything in my hands again.

"Liam!" I approach Liam with open arms and he leans into me turning my hug into an awkward side squeeze. "Harry I am going to put this stuff in the kitchen."

"Oh yeah, the kitchen is just over there, you guys help yourself to anything in there." Harry points towards the kitchen needlessly as I am pickin up the booze and heading in that direction.

"Wait, what is that Louis?" Liam calls after me.

"Booze, Liam." Liam makes a disbelieving sound in his throat. "You know like alcohol, you've heard of it right?" I ask with a chuckle disappearing into the kitchen.

"When are we going to have time for that?" Liam splutters.

I can hear Harry giggling a little uncomfortably as he says, "We are going to be here for two weeks." I put the bag down on the counter and open the fridge, I have to shift around a considerable amount of food to fit the case of beer in. Once again I am grinning to myself over how adorable Harry is. He put so much effort into this.

"Well, how did he even get that?" I hear from the other room.

I shout back, "I'm 18 mate, it was totally legal." shutting the fridge door. I walk back into the main room, flashing Liam a big smile I add, "Don't worry we have plenty of time to practice and have fun."

Liam nods his head mumbling, " 'suppose you are right," and busies himself putting his suitcase down next to my backpack against the wall.

In a clear attempt to break the tension in the room Harry says, "Well this is the Bungalow, it's basically just this one room with the kitchen, and the loo is down the hall." Harry gestures to a small hall with a door at the end opposite the kitchen. He then walks over and sits down on the couch, "We might as well just settle in and chill until everyone gets here."

"I'm just gonna call my mum really quick and let her know I got here safely," Liam says pulling his phone out of his pocket.

I plop down on the couch next to Harry and put my arm around his shoulder. "This place is great Harry, thanks for having us. Place is so clean, all that food in the kitchen, you're a great host."

3

"..you're a great host." The arm Louis so unceremoniously draped over my shoulder bends as he pokes me on the nose emphasizing the word "host".

I feel my cheeks start to get hot as I blush. I really wish I didn't blush so much. It happens a lot around Louis. I even caught myself blushing at the computer anytime Louis said something nice about me (or just said something to me) in the group chat. Thinking about those secret blushes that Lilly, my older sister, tormented me about makes my cheeks feel even hotter. "Oh thanks Louis... I just wanted... you know... everyone to be comfortable."

Louis' loud laugh rings out, "god your red Harry, clearly you don't get complimented enough, got you all flustered." he says between loud laughs. This is so embarrassing, he didn't only notice my blush now he is laughing at me. Even in the midst of my shame, I can't help but let out a loud burst of laughter and dissolve into giggles with him, the way he almost shouts, "hahahaha", when he is laughing makes his mirth contagious.

"I'm on the phone lads," Liam says loudly from behind us.

"Sorry mate, we'll be quiet," I say and let my laughs taper off.

"Sorry...sorry...sorry," Louis says as he buries his face into the crook of my neck trying to stifle his laughter. If he was looking at me he would see me blush even deeper than before. What is happening to me?

Once Louis has stopped laughing I hop up and turn on the tv and Xbox, "wanna play FIFA?"

"Sure." 

"Sounds fun," Liam adds as he hangs up the phone.

"You two play first, I'll play the winner." I say as I hand them the two controllers. Liam has sat down in the middle of the couch so I settle down on his other side.

We sufficiently lose ourselves in the game and before we know it two hours have passed. There is plenty of banter, mostly from Louis being a sore loser and taking jibes at us if we beat him (which is happening a lot, he is terrible).

"You cheated Curly!" Louis is shouting at me as we here a knock on the door.

I drop my controller and rush to the front door, opening it to the beaming smile of Niall, "Hey, Harry."

"Niall! come in!" I respond enthusiastically. Niall comes through the door carrying a large duffel bag which I take from him noticing one side of the bag is awkwardly heavy. Louis and Liam swarm Nial saying hello and asking about his journey. I step in to give the Niall the short tour of the small house.

As I show him where the kitchen is, Niall's cracks a wide grin. "I almost forgot!" He rushes over to his bag I placed against the wall. "We better get these in the fridge," he says pulling out a case of beer, explaining the awkward weight in his bag.

The smile drops off of Liam's face, "Not you too!"

"Good lad!" Louis shouts, smiling huge, his blue eyes lit up. "I'll help you fit these in the fridge," he says walking to the kitchen with Nial.

Liam looks at me desperately, "I really am not sure if everyone is taking this serious enough. I don't want to be a bore but ...." Liam is cut off by loud laughter ringing out of the kitchen.

Louis chases Niall into the living room trying to grapple a packet of crisps from his hands. "Ask first you idiot!"

"Can I have some crisps Harry?" Niall asks through his spluttering laughter, looking up at me from where Louis has him pinned to the ground.

"Of course, you can have whatever you want."

"Thanks."

"There's a good boy, use your manners," Louis coos patting Niall on the cheek. I'm staring at him as he picks himself up off the ground and flops down on the couch again. I turn pink again as he catches my gaze and flashes me a mischievous smirk. "Rematch, Curly?" I reach out to catch the Xbox controller that is hurtling straight at my face. 

"Sure, I'll kick your ass again if that's what you want." We all settle in to play FIFA again catching up with Niall as he munches on crisps.

  
  


4

Things seemed to be going well but it all went to hell when Zayn arrived with another case of beer and a bottle of vodka, Liam really lost it. He lectured everyone for fifteen minutes about how much work we needed to do and how no one is taking it seriously enough. Zayn was definitely offended, he had no way of knowing this conflict had been brewing all afternoon.

To appease Liam we all agreed to start rehearsing right away, even though we haven't even picked a song. The five of us warmed up singing scales and then attempted some harmonies. The key word here is, “attempted”.

There was so much tension in the room and it was so obvious how uncomfortable everyone was. I was really nervous and having a hard time hitting notes and kept messing up. I was not the only one having a hard time. 45 minutes into the suffering we still had not managed to sing a pleasing harmony and everyone was really frustrated. Liam was overcompensating by snapping at everyone when they messed up. Zayn had completely shut down and was barely singing at all. Niall was trying to keep things light by grinning at everyone but his smile had not reached his eyes in half an hour. Harry was just silently staring at his feet and chewing on his lip nervously whenever he wasn't singing. I could feel myself starting to lose my patience with Liam being a wanker and making everyone upset. I was really fighting to stay calm and not lose my temper because I know that I tend to go over the top when I get angry.

I lost my battle when Liam shouted at Harry, “If you can't get it right, just don't sing!” after his voice cracked during an attempt at a high note. I watched as Harry's deep green eyes teared up and he contorted his face trying not to let them fall. My heart shattered. It should not be legal to upset that boy.

“Fuck Liam, lay off him! Why are you such an asshole?! Harry invited us here and worked hard to make everything comfortable, and you pay him back by coming in here and treating him like shit!” I roared, my voice echoing off the walls of the small house. I stared intently into Liam's face with my blood pounding in my ears, furious. Liam looked back at me with shock and a hint of fear in his eyes, that is when I realized my hands were balled into fists at my sides and I have stepped much too close to him. I took a few deep breaths trying to tame my rage like my mom taught me and step back. After five breaths I was able to relax my posture and uncurl my fists. Once I was more relaxed I realized everyone was staring at me looking shocked and upset. I went too far. Damnit.

In a much quieter voice I tried to make my point in a better way, “ Look this is never going to work like this. No one is comfortable with each other so we can't relax and sing yet.” Everyone sill looked upset and I felt so stupid and angry with myself for blowing it. I realized I was now at serious risk of crying myself. “We need to, you know... get to know each other... build some trust... I don't know....” I really don't want them to see me cry, I'm the oldest, I need to get myself under control. “I'm gonna go smoke.”

I walked over to my bag and grabbed my lighter and a pack of cigarettes out of the front pocket. On my way out the door I heard Harry mumble, “I'm gonna fix us some dinner.” As soon as I got out the door I ran behind a small shed I saw across the lawn, knowing that behind it no one could see me from the house. As soon as I reached relative privacy my tears started flowing heavy down my face. I felt like such a jackass, Liam was being rude but I was so much worse and I scared him and maybe everyone else. I really have been working on my anger and I haven't lost it like that in a while.

After crying for several minutes I realized this was not going to pass quickly. I calmed myself enough to light a cigarette and pull out my phone and call my mum.

“Hi honey, how is the Bungalow? How are the boys?”

“It's not going very well,” I said through a few small hiccups.

“Oh Louis, you're crying what's wrong, tell me what happened?”

I explained everything that happened. “I feel so fucking bad, I can't believe I blew up like that on the first day! They are never going to like me!”

“I know you are frustrated but you recognize your reaction was inappropriate and you calmed yourself down before things really got out of hand. That's good, you did well. You just need to apologize sincerely.”

“I just thought I had got past this...”

“You really have for the most part Lou, you are just under a lot of stress right now, tensions are high. Just try to relax and think about getting some space or practicing deep breathing before you go off next time. It's better to leave the room for a few minutes and come back calm than yelling at everyone or worse. You haven’t been in a fight for years, I know you can do this.”

“Okay...I know...That is what I should have done....Why is it so hard? Why can't I just do what I am supposed to...” I really started sobbing then, trying to cover my mouth so I wasn't too loud. Mum said nice things and sooshed me for a few minutes until I could calm down and catch my breath.

“It is really going to be okay, why don't you talk to the girls, that will cheer you up and make them so happy.”

“Yeah... I would like that. But first can you text me your chicken soup recipe? The one you make for colds.”

I explain about the cab driver and she agrees before I hear her call for the girls and suddenly there was a rush of four happy voices shouting over each other. I finally got them all to quiet down and tell me one at a time what they had to say. By the time all of this was over and I hung up the phone I felt so much better. I smoked another cigarette and then tentatively walked back towards the house and creeped through the kitchen door feeling a little nervous to walk through the front door and face all of the boys.

As soon as I stepped through the door I immediately realized my mistake. I forgot that I heard Harry say he was going to cook dinner. As soon as he heard the door open he turned around from scooping pasta into bowls by the stove. He looked at me as he pushed a curl off his forehead with the back of his wrist. His eyes went really wide as they locked with mine. Oh fuck, I really scared him, Harry is scared of me.

“I'm so sorry Harry, I shouldn't have yelled like that, I'm really really sorry,” I blurted out looking down at my feet unable to face him in my guilt. “I know I need to apologize to everyone and especially Liam, but please, I'm so sorry, I wont blow up like that again, I was out of line.”

I was still staring at my feet waiting for his judgement when I saw his toes appear in front of mine and felt a gentle hand on my shoulder. “It's okay Louis, I appreciate that you stood up for me even though it was a little over the top,” he says slowly.

I finally looked up at him and saw his big green eyes framed by worried eyebrows looking straight at me. “I'm sorry if I scared you or something, Harry. I didn't mean to be so awful I just didn't like seeing anybody so upset and especially you...” Shit. Why did I say that?

“ You didn't scare me, just gave me a bit of a shock. I'm actually grateful... I was about to start crying and I didn't want to in front of everyone. I know I'm the youngest but I'm not a baby and I don't want anyone to think I am, but I do get upset kind of easily, it's just really embarrassing.... I don't know why I'm telling you this.” His cheeks were turning pink as he talked, taking a long time to get through all of it. But he didn't stop looking at me. “What I am trying to say is you helped me preserve some dignity back there and now I need to return the favor.”

“What...?”

“You look really rough, Lou.” Before I could process the extent of what he said I cracked a small smile when he called me Lou. Then I realized what he must be referring to, I was just crying and sobbing for 20 minutes, I must look terrible. It was my turn to blush, as I felt my face get hot I finally broke the eye contact to look down again, trying to hide my face knowing now that I was a mess.

“I'm going to carry these bowls of pasta out to everyone and while they are distracted you can run over to the bathroom and wash your face.”

“ Thank you Hazza,” I said sheepishly and reached up to ruffle his curls, realizing there is no point in hiding my face now, he had already seen it.

5

Hazza? No one has ever called me that before, I think I like it. I carry out bowls of pasta to everyone and set one aside for Louis. Everyone sits around the coffee table and starts eating quietly trying to avoid looking at each other.

“Thanks for dinner Harry,” Niall mumbles.

“Yeah thanks.” Liam adds not looking up from his bowl.

“Thanks,” from Zayn.

After a few minutes of awkwardness Louis emerges from the bathroom, and joins us at the table. I slide his bowl over to him and he smiles at me in thanks. The room is even more tense after Louis joins us. I find myself watching him subtly as I eat and I can tell he is working himself up to say something. He keeps looking up and taking a breath like he is going to speak but then looking back down again.

I hate that things have got this bad so fast. I really don't know if we have a chance, right now I'm not even sure we can make it to Simon's house if we don't work this shit out. I don't want to be upset but Liam really hurt my feelings. My feelings shouldn't be hurt though, Liam was right. I need to do better or get out.

Louis lets out a torrent of quick words startling everyone, “I'm really sorry about earlier, I should not have been so angry and yelled like that. And I should not have said those things to you Liam. And I'm sorry to all of you for acting like that. Like, I'm really really sorry, I'm not normally like this and it wont....”

Liam cuts him off, “I'm sorry too, I was being a jerk. I want us to do well but obviously I was being way too intense and I'm sorry for snapping at each of you.” Louis and Liam look at each other both taking in the other's apology. Finally Louis cracks a smile and Liam returns it and they both start laughing.

“Okay, okay I think we all forgive each other, let's just move on!” Niall interjects with the biggest smile he has had since Zayn showed up.

“I think Louis had a point earlier when he said we need to get to know each other more. So let's do something fun tonight and we can start rehearsing tomorrow.” I am watching Louis as I speak and his eyes light up when I say he was right.

“Yeah, okay. I think that's good. What do you guys want to do?” Zayn asks. I turn to Louis and realize everyone has done the same.

Through a mischievous grin he commands, “Niall! Go get everyone a beer. Harry! pick a bottle of booze from the bag I brought. Zayn, Liam help me push the furniture against the walls.” His enthusiasm immediately affects everyone and we all hop up to do what he says. Liam looks a little apprehensive but he is putting on a good front. I grab the empty bowls and carry them into the kitchen. I look in the paper bag as Niall grabs beers from the fridge. I drink beer with my mates at home but I don't have a lot of experience with liquor. There are two bottles, cherry vodka and some type of rum. I decided on the cherry vodka.

When I enter the room I see that the couch, table and air mattresses are pushed against the walls so there is an empty space in the middle of the room. “Okay, everyone sit in a circle.” Louis says as he grabs the vodka from my hand, “Good choice Hazza.” There is that name again. Louis links his arm in mine and brings me over to the circle, he looks at me and asks quietly, “sit next to me?” as he releases my arm.

When he grabbed my arm I felt all fuzzy and warm inside, asking me to sit next to him pushed me over the edge. I feel all bubbly and excited and instead of blushing this time I smile wide and nod my head at him. It makes me feel so special that he wants to sit by me. As everyone settled in Niall passed out the beers.

“Liam, have you figured out what to do with this yet?” Louis teases gesturing to his beer.

In response Liam opens his beer and drinks half of it in one huge gulp. “I think I can handle it.”

Louis laughs, “there's a good lad” and opens his beer following Liam's lead. I crack into my beer but only take a normal sip afraid I would choke and splutter if I tried to chug it like that.

“Okay, so what are we doing?” Zayn asks.

“Truth or Dare,” Louis answers. “But we need some house rules to make it more interesting. That is where the vodka comes in. If you break one of the rules you have to drink from the bottle.”

“What are the rules?” Niall says.

“We all get to make one up. I will start and we will go around the circle. First rule, you have to drink if you ask a boring question.” Louis turns to me expectantly.

I feel put on the spot but I want to come up with something good. “Ummmm.... you have to drink if you give someone an easy dare.”

I turn to Liam on my other side, “you have to drink if everyone thinks your answer is a lie.” He turns to Niall.

“Uhhhhh, you have to drink if you uhhhhhh, don't do a dare.”

Zayn is last on Louis' other side and he has a wicked grin on his face, “everyone has to pick someone and drink whenever they do.”

“That's brilliant Zayn!,” Louis exclaims, giving him a high five.

“Everyone closes your eyes, and on the count of three point at someone and then opens your eyes,” Zayn instructs. I close my eyes, I really want to point at Louis but after our conversation in the kitchen I don't want him to think I'm obsessed with him or something. “One, Two.” Oh no I don't know who to point at “Three.” I point at Louis, caution be damned he is the one who asks me to sit next to him, it's not that weird for me to choose him. I open my eyes and see Louis pointing back at me. That bubbly feeling in my chest comes back as Louis and I grin at each other. He raises his hand for a high five and as I slap his hand, he wraps or fingers together for a moment and then releases them.

“Okay so Harry and I drink when each other drinks, Niall drinks when Liam drinks, Liam when Zayn, and Zayn when Niall drinks. Now who is going first.” We all look around at each other.

“I'll go first.” Liam volunteers. He looks at all of us and settles on Niall. “Niall Truth or Dare.”

“Ummmm Truth.”

“Okay, what is your favorite style of music?”

“Boring question! Drink!” Louis shouts. Zayn and I join in shouting “Drink! Drink! Drink!”

“I thought it was a good question.” Liam says sulkily as he cracks the seal on the vodka bottle and takes a hearty swig and then passes it to Niall.

“Damn Liam, if you are like this all night I am going to be so pissed,” Niall says as he takes a swig. “It's pop music. Louis, truth or dare?”

“Dare.”

“Hmm I dare you to let me look through your phone.”

Louis hesitates for a moment, “Fine.” He hands his phone to Niall who immediately starts clicking away.

“Lets see your texts. Looks like you talk to your mum a lot, how sweet. And she has sent you a soup recipe. Not sure what that’s about.”

Louis buries his head in his hands, “oh god, this is going to be awful.”

“Let's see, you were talking to someone named Alex about footie. Chrystal? This your girlfriend?”

“No!” I am pleased to hear him say that.

“Oh yeah definitely not she asked if “the cute guy” was going to be here. Wonder which one of us that is.”

“She thinks you are all cute.” Louis says as he swigs from his beer. Ding. A new message just came into Louis' phone.

“Hmmmm oh a new text from mum, lets see what this says. “Good night little Lou.”

“Put me out of my misery,” Louis says dramatically as he blushes red.

“I hope you are feeling better, sometimes it's good to cry it out...”

“Okay, that's enough don't you think guys?” Liam interjects helpfully as Louis seems to be shrinking before our eyes, curling into himself in embarrassment.

“ I think so,” I agree as I lean across the circle grabbing Louis' phone from Niall and setting it down next to him.

“Well that was bloody awful,” Louis says sitting up, and starts laughing giving the rest of us permission to laugh along with him. “Harry, truth or dare?”

He picked me, I'm not exactly surprised, but it still makes me happy. I was conflicted on what to pick but after the embarrassment I just witnessed, truth seems like the better option. “Truth.”

“Are you a virgin?”

Nope. This is still embarrassing. I wish I picked dare. “Umm yes, well like, I've done stuff, but never, like sex.” I can feel how hot my cheeks are.

Louis quirks an eyebrow at me. “Stuff?”

“Not fair! One question! Keep it moving.” Zayn interjects.

6

We have been playing truth or dare for a few hours. The house lasted for an hour but then we started passing around the vodka bottle, everyone is very tipsy if not drunk. I'm not really drunk but my head is a bit swimmy and the lights in here seem extra bright.

There has been a lot of hilarity. We learned Zayn smokes pot, a lot. Niall licked the bottom of my foot. Liam refused to run around the lawn naked but Harry did it with no qualms. I found it really hard to not stare at him too much and was a little relieved when he put his clothes back on. Liam did do a handstand against the wall while we threw things at him.

Everyone has had a lot of fun but everyone is getting a bit tired and we are now mostly picking truths. Liam and Niall are laying on their stomachs with pillows under their elbows and Zayn is laying back propped up on his elbows. I am sitting with my legs crossed and Harry's head in my lap running my fingers through his lovely curls. I just can't keep my hands out of his hair especially with the alcohol in my system. No one has moved in 15 minutes.

“Zayn, truth or dare?” Liam asks.

“Truth.”

“Ummm what is the most trouble you have ever been?”

“ I got caught skipping class and snogging a girl in the gym when I was 15. I got suspended and my parents were furious.”

“Was it worth it?” Niall asks.

“Totally. Harry truth or dare?”

“Truth,” Harry answered and then let out a big yawn, snuggling into me more.

“What is the most shocking place you have ever masterbated?” Zayn asks.

I watch as Harry starts to blush for the hundredth time tonight, “ummm....” he mumbles an answer quietly.

“No one can hear you Haz.” I say smiling at him, “speak up.”

His blush deepens. “My grandma's living room...”

“Oh that's not so bad dude unless she was in the room,” Zayn responds.

“I am not elaborating, Louis truth or dare?” Harry pierces me with his deep green eyes cloudy with sleep and booze.

“Truth.” I answer with one of my hands tangled up in his hair.

“What are you most afraid of?”

I immediately feel my heart rate rise and have thoughts of yelling, slamming doors, and ..... I cut the thoughts off as quick as they come. Still staring into Harry's eyes I take a deep breath to calm myself and answer, “Birds.”

“That was clearly a lie,” he responds.

I stare into his eyes and shrug. Our stare is broken when Niall yawns loudly and I remember the other guys are in the room. “Maybe we should turn in lads.” Everyone nods and mumbles their assent. The other boys start moving around and Zayn grabs some things from his bag and heads to the bathroom. Harry keeps his head in my lap with his eyes closed while the other boys take turns brushing their teeth in the bathroom. After the other three are done Harry slowly gets up and heads to the bathroom. I walk around collecting empty beer cans and crisp bags and throw them in the trash in the kitchen. I shoulder my bag and when Harry comes back I head into the bathroom.

Tonight ended up really great. I'm glad we are getting along better. I actually really like Liam, he seems uptight but tonight he proved he can let loose sometimes. Zayn seems like a really cool guy and Niall is very energetic and sweet. And there is Harry, he is something else. I feel like I have always known him and I want to know him forever. I'm going to make him my best friend.

When I finish up and head into the main room Niall is laying on the couch, Zayn is already asleep on one of the mattresses, Harry and Liam are laying in the other two. I stand uncomfortably in the middle of the room and look around, “Where am I supposed to sleep?”

Everyone looks around taking stock of the situation and then Harry sits up and says, “you can double up with me.”

“Okay.” He scoots to one side of the small single mattress and I approach the other side. He lays down and I climb under the duvet with him. We both turn to the side facing away from each other, our backs touching because the mattress is so small. Niall gets up and turns out the light.

I lay there for a while feeling tired but unable to fall asleep, hyper aware of my surroundings. The memories I was blocking out when Harry asked me what I was afraid of are starting to creep back in. It was going to be one of those nights. I should go out for a smoke and try to clear my mind but I don't want to wake anyone up.

I lay there waiting for everyone to fall asleep. Eventually there are quiet snores coming from Niall and Liam's deep breathing joins Zayn. But the boy behind me is silent, I can feel his back still tensed. I try to wait him out but eventually I just roll over and whisper in his ear, “can't sleep?”

“Yeah,” he whispers back.

“Come on,” I say getting up and pulling my cigarettes and lighter out of my bag which I had thrown down by the bed. On second thought, I decided to grab the duvet as well, draping it over my arm. I grab Harry's hand with my other hand, he doesn't resist so I lead him to the front door and outside. I am immediately hit with the chill of the night, I am glad I grabbed the blanket. I sit down on the porch and Harry joins me immediately scooching close to me seeking warmth, he is only wearing a t-shirt and boxers. I lay the duvet over our legs and then light a cigarette, careful not to drop ash on the fabric. I wrap an arm around Harry's waist pulling him in closer to keep him warm, he lays his head on my shoulder and sighs contentedly.

I offer him a drag off my cigarette, he nods and I hold it up to his lips watching him inhale. He lets out a little cough and then exhales. We share the rest of the cigarette this way and then sit quietly for a while. I'm enjoying the night noises out here in the country and the warmth of the boy pressed up against me. I know being this close with someone I barely know should feel weird but instead it just feels right.

The silence is broken when Harry asks, “Why did you lie?”

I know he is referring to the last question in our game. I consider lying again but I don't want to disappoint him. “It's something I have never really spoken about or told anyone.”

“You can tell me,” his voice is so soft, “I won't tell anyone.”

I decide I will tell him, not the details but the nature of the thing. This feels safe, finally getting this off my chest might help and after earlier today I really believe he won’t tell anyone. “It's my dad, not my step-dad but my real dad. I only see him once a year and it's really bad. I guess I'm scared of him more than anything else”

“Bad?”

“Yeah, like he gets really angry and yells and says awful things and....” my voice cracks, I can't make myself say the last part. I have never said it before.

Harry lifts his head and looks at me, “Does he like hurt you?”

I take a deep breath, and nod. “Not really bad but he grabs me so rough it leaves bruises or like pushes me and makes me fall down really hard...”I am downplaying this a little, but I don’t have the strength to say more without completely losing my composure

“Why do you keep going to see him?”

“It's a court order and I don't want to tell my mom, she has too much stress with my four little sisters. If I told her she would insist on going to court and it would be a lot. I have just toughed it out and this is the last year I have to go.”

I am looking off into the yard as I talk. Harry gently grabs my chin with one of his big hands and turns my face towards him. “Lou, I'm so sorry. You don't deserve that. No one does.” When he is done he wraps me in a big hug. At first I resist but eventually I relax into the hug and let him comfort me.

After a while we pull back from the hug and I see tears silently streaming down his face. “Oh Haz, what's wrong? Don't cry.”

“I'm sorry.” He is wiping at his eyes but it isn't helping, he begins crying harder. I wrap him back into the hug and hold him close rubbing his back until he starts to settle down. When he is ready he pulls back wiping his eyes. “Sorry. I just, I don't know. Your story made me sad and I'm just so overwhelmed right now. Like I am excited and hopeful about the band but if we make it through to the live shows, it seems so big and scary. I don't want to seem like a baby or something. I'm just nervous. This is so new for me. I want to be good enough and I don't know if I am. I couldn't sleep because my mind is just running through all the worst case scenarios, like what.....”

He is working himself up again so I cut him off. “Hush. You are good enough, you are amazing and you have an incredible voice. I told you the first time I met you that you were going to be famous and I believe that. Don't doubt yourself Harry. As for the other stuff, it is new and it is scary but you don't have to do it alone. This is new for all five of us and I really think we will all become good mates. But no matter what happens I'll look out for you.”

Harry looks up at me and nods, managing a little smile. I smile back at him and ruffle his hair. His smile gets wider and those incredible dimples are visible. He lays his head back on my shoulder and I wrap both of my arms around him this time. After a few minutes he says, “I'm pretty tired, ready to go to bed?”

“Sure.” We make it back inside and lay down on our mattress both facing the same direction this time. Harry scoots back at the same time I scoot forward. I wrap my arm around his waist pulling him into me and burying my face in his curls as our legs intertwined.

“Good night Louis,” he whispers.

“Good night.” I fall asleep immediately.


	2. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “At the time no, it seemed so right to be with Harry, to hold him, to talk to him, I didn't really think about it. I just did what felt natural. If anyone else thought it was weird they didn't say anything, at least not to me.”
> 
> “I had a big crush, I was aware that we were a little unusual, and wanted more. I wanted as much of Lou as I could have.”
> 
> TW: Past child abuse, anxiety, anxiety attack, PTSD

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here is the second chapter.. I already had a few completed but once I get through them I will not be updating as quickly. 
> 
> I don't mean any offense to anyone. This is just my headcanon inspired by one direction and Larry. I do not at all claim that any of this is real I made it up. I do use real names of celebrities but change the names of family members and friends. 
> 
> The story follows a lot of events from x-factor through post Take Me Home Tour. But plenty of things will be out of order, mixed up, made up, and mentioned before they exist (like songs etc.)
> 
> There is some pretty heavy stuff in here but all triggers are not present in every chapter so I will be sure to add relevant trigger warnings in the summary of each chapter and as I write it I will add anything that comes up to the tags. Please let me know if I miss something so I can tag it.

_“The rest of the time at my place was really chill, we rehearsed some, goofed around a lot, and all five of us really started to bond.”_

_“Harry and I were inseparable from that night on. We slept cuddled exactly like that every night, still do.”_

_“That first day was very emotional.”_

_“Yeah, but it didn't stay like that. No more crying.”_

_“We sat on the porch every night, just the two of us. We talked about everything, trying to explain the totality of ourselves to each other.”_

_“Yeah, there was no such thing as too much information between us.”_

_“What happened next?”_

_“We went to the judge's house almost immediately after the Bungalow. That was a whirlwind, we were in a foreign country, I was so nervous, Louis got hurt.”_

_“The whole thing is a blur but we got passed through to live shows.”_

_“After that we had a little bit of time until we moved into the X-Factor House. All five of us met up a lot and Louis and I were always around at each other's houses, having sleepovers.”_

_“Our mums met and really hit it off.”_

_“Before we knew it, it was time for live shows.”_

_“How did you two adjust to the unfamiliar environment?”_

_“We, and well the whole band were really focused. We wanted to win, we really wanted it. We had a lot of fun, especially on camera but there was a lot of hard work, late nights and early morning. We were all really stressed.”_

_“I clung to Louis a lot, we continued our late night chats, we started at the bungalow and I climbed into his bed the first night and every night in the house.”_

_“Did this seem unusual to you?”_

_“At the time no, it seemed so right to be with Harry, to hold him, to talk to him, I didn't really think about it. I just did what felt natural. If anyone else thought it was weird they didn't say anything, at least not to me.”_

_“I had a big crush, I was aware that we were a little unusual, and wanted more. I wanted as much of Lou as I could have.”_

_“We were really close but we didn't like exclude the other boys, we spent a lot of time with everyone and built our own friendships with everyone in the band. But nights were for us. That is when we bonded.”_

_“And when I was stressed or upset, no one but Lou could make me feel better.”_

_“You said previously, that you started dating during X-Factor, when did things change to a romantic relationship?”_

1

I hear movement somewhere in the room and close my eyes tighter, I am not ready to be awake. I want to sleep here as long as I can with Louis curled around me. In the past two days we have done our third live performance and made it through another judging. It was great but also exhausting, we have been going hard every day for three weeks. Whoever is rummaging around finally leaves the room and I drift back off to sleep.

“Haz, honey, it's time to wake up.” There is the sweetest voice in my ear and small fingers gently combing through my hair.

“No,” I moan and turn around burying my head in Louis' chest. I can't help but inhale his unique scent, a combination of fabric softener, sweat, and hair spray. At this point I am totally obsessed with my best friend. I like everything about him and I can't get enough, I would be happy to just lay here with him all day.

“We have to, we got a lie in but rehearsal is in two hours.” Louis' actions contradict his words as he wraps his arms tighter around me and nuzzles his face into the top of my head.

“Mmmm. Still tired Lou.” I shouldn't be whining but I just want to stay in bed with him a little longer.

“I know. Everyone else is up, so I will go shower first and you can sleep a little longer.”

“Thank you,” Louis disentangles himself from me and quietly leaves the room. Now I feel cold, I hate this part. Every morning when we get out of bed I am left feeling hollow and lonely. It was this exact feeling that made me realize the truth. I have a crush on Louis, it hit me a few weeks ago and I can't shake the feeling. I fancy him like I usually fancy girls. I even catch myself thinking about kissing him and half the time I wake up hard in the morning and have to try to hide it from him. It's all very confusing and I don't know if he feels the same way. I don't even know if he likes guys. Honestly, I don't even know if I like guys but I like Louis, I know that.

I'm still laying in bed trying to sort out my jumble of feelings when Louis comes back from the shower. He has a towel wrapped around his waist and I try not to think about the fact that he is naked. He sits on the edge of the bed and gently rubs my back. “Shower is all yours. I will meet you downstairs when you're done.”

I peel myself from the bed and strip naked grabbing my towel from the floor. Maybe it is wishful thinking but as I walk out the door I’m pretty sure Louis is staring at me as he kneels over a pile of clothing, trying to find something clean to wear.

I shower quickly knowing I don't have long before we have to leave and I am starving. When I head back to our room to get dressed none of the five boys are there. They must all be downstairs. I shuffle around trying to find some clean clothes for myself and head downstairs as soon as I'm dressed in my jeans and a shirt I’m pretty sure is actually Louis’.

The house is pretty empty, anyone who had morning rehearsals is already gone. A group of people are sitting around the living room chatting and I find One Direction in the kitchen. The other four boys are all standing around the kitchen island. Niall, Zayn, and Liam have empty bowls, plates, and mugs in front of them. The four of them are once again picking apart our performance from the other night, thinking of ways to improve.

“I really think we are getting a lot better, we just need to keep at it, get our vocals stronger,” Liam is saying.

I grab the milk out of the fridge and start preparing the two cups of tea Louis has steeping next to him. “I think both Liam and Zayn did a great job with their solos, Zayn's voice is so unique, you really give us an edge,” I add.

“Thanks,” Zayn responds, “ I would really like to see them give everyone a chance at a solo, you and Louis both have not had the opportunity yet.”

One sugar in my tea and two in Louis'.

“Well today we will find out what is happening this week,” Louis says.

A splash of milk in my tea and a generous poor in Lou's. I stir both teas and Louis picks his up. “Thanks, Haz. Cereal?”

I nod in response and Louis walks around the kitchen gathering corn flakes, bowls, and spoons.

“I am really excited to find out what the next song will be, I hope it is something fun,” Niall says as he lifts his mug to his lips trying to get out the last few drops of tea.

“I think we would be better off with something slow. Cheryl says she wants to hear us do a ballad,” Liam responds.

“It is Halloween week, maybe something spooky,” Zayn suggests.

“Oh yeah that would be fun. You know what, if we have a free night we should get everyone to watch a horror movie to get in the Halloween spirit,” Louis says as he lays our breakfast stuff down.

I am pouring cereal in both of our bowls and Louis is adding milk after me. “I don't know about that, I am scared of horror movies.”

“Oh poor little Harry is scared of any film that isn't a romcom,” Zayn teases.

“I don't know the end of Titanic is pretty scary that may be too much for him,” Niall adds in.

“Is not!” I protest as the other boys start laughing.

Louis pinches my cheek while speaking around a mouth full of cereal, “It's okay, I won't let the monsters get you.”

“Louis, don't talk with your mouth full! Gross!” Liam shouts. In response Louis picks an orange up off the counter and chucks it at him, smacking him square in the chest. Pretty quickly the kitchen has erupted into a game of dodgeball played with the contents of the fruit bowl.

2

“Hurry up Zayn, we have to find all of it.”

It was a long day in rehearsals, the second day working on our week four song and we had the first rehearsal slot. We were up really early and Zayn was struggling with his solo and timing. We then spent all afternoon learning choreography for the group performance which is a slow process. By the time we got back to the house Zayn had been silent for hours, when he got this quiet I knew he was not okay. But I had a plan to cheer him up, that is how we found ourselves digging through Liam's clothes trying to find all of his pants.

“It really helps that Liam's mum wrote his name in them,” Zayn snickers.

“Sure does, I think we have them all, go check the door.” He peeks his head out the door and looks down the hall.

“All clear, and I can still hear the girls talking downstairs.” We sneak out of our shared room carrying all of Liam's boxers, approaching the door down the hall labeled 'Belle Amie'. I press my ear to the door and nod at Zayn hearing no noise from inside. We creep in and shut the door behind us. “Where are we gonna put them?” Zayn asks.

“Everywhere.” We start creeping around the room hiding pairs of Liam's pants in the girls' bags and beds and wrapped in their towels and every other place we can think of. We are both struggling to contain our laughter. I can't wait to see what happens when Liam finds out. When our job is done we creep back to our room and collapse on our beds rolling with laughter.

After a minute Zayn gets up and says, “I'm going to go join the boys downstairs, if we are alone together too long they will be anticipating something.”

“Good idea.”

Zayn leaves the room smiling and humming _Total Eclipse of the Heart_ to himself as he walks out of the room. I am very pleased to see him back to his normal self.

I lay in bed for a bit and let my mind wander, playing back over the day. I run through each of my parts in the song, singing quietly, making sure I have retained everything we worked on today.

“Your voice is beautiful.”

I look over to the door and see Harry standing there, “Thanks,” I respond blushing a little, embarrassed at being caught. He looks a bit tense, he was bubbly and full of energy when we got back to the house and I could hear him shouting and playing around downstairs while Zayn and I were scheming. I hope he is just tired, not upset. “Is it that time?”

“I'm ready if you are,” Harry responds.

I stand up and start gathering supplies. Harry and I have been sharing the bottom bunk of our bed and dumping a lot of our stuff on the top. I locate a half empty pack of cigarettes and a lighter while Harry grabs a few blankets. I also decide to grab our books in case we don't have a lot to talk about. Harry's mood is odd and when he is off like this he will either really want to talk or not want to talk at all.

There is a small porch off the common area upstairs. Since everyone either hangs out downstairs or in their rooms this area is always empty and I don't think anyone but us has even been out on the porch. But we still leave the lights out so no one comes to investigate. We don't like to be interrupted during our time. This is my favorite part of the day, even better than pranking the boys. Every night Harry and I sit out here just the two of us, cuddled up in blankets while we talk. We stay out until we are tired and then we head back in and crawl into our bed. These night hours are sacred and I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world.

Harry and I settle into the corner we like, sitting on the ground. I adjust the ashtray I have left here and we start spreading out the blankets. I have my back in the corner and I wait for Harry to settle in however he wants. He sits pressed up against my side. I light a cigarette and offer him one from the pack. He takes one and puts it in his mouth, I light it for him. Something is definitely off he usually only has his own if he is bothered about something otherwise he just takes a few puffs off of mine. I'm concerned that I have corrupted the younger boy, I don't think he smoked regularly until we started hanging out.

I wrap my free arm around Harry's waste pulling him in closer. We smoke in silence and once both butts are out in the ash tray Harry starts to speak.

“I'm nervous.” He looks a bit pale and shaky.

“Yeah? I can tell Haz, what are you nervous about?” I instinctively tighten my hold on him, wanting him to feel secure.

“A lot of things.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Yes, but I don't know how. I have a lot to say and it won't make sense unless I say it all. Well, even then it may not make any sense.” 

He is clearly struggling with something. I resolve to be patient and let him go at his own pace, which will be slow, always is. I really have to focus to follow what he is saying most of the time since he speaks at a snail's pace and is prone to taking long pauses in the middle of speaking. But I like it, it’s endearing and he unintentionally keeps me and most people hanging on his every word. “I will just listen then.”

“Really, you promise you will let me finish Lou? You won't interrupt?”

“Of course, if that's what you want” He nods his head solemnly and then adjusts so we are both sitting with our legs crossed facing each other, knees bumping. I grab the blankets and arrange them over our legs. Harry still looks really scared. I don't know what is going on but it is really freaking me out. I have been enjoying watching him build his confidence these last few weeks. Now he looks just as nervous and insecure as that first day at the bungalow when we were both a mess. I reach for one of his hands and he reluctantly lets me hold it. I rub circles into the back of his hand soothingly and wait until he decides to speak.

“The longer we stay in the competition the more scared I am of leaving. I really want this, I want to be a singer and I want to do it with this band. But.... Well that isn't the only reason I am scared to go. Wait let me back up. What I'm trying to say is about you, you are so caring. I see the way you watch out for all of us, giving everyone special attention when they need it. Plotting pranks with Zayn when he shuts down, rehearsing extra with Liam when his nerves get the best of him, and playing video games or watching films with Niall when he is homesick.”

I am not sure where this is going but I feel seen. I didn't realize anyone recognized how I try to watch out for everyone. I feel responsible as the oldest in the band and I am a big brother so I naturally want to take care of people.

“And well this time we spend together out here and sharing our bed is really special to me. But I guess I'm scared that it isn't as special for you... like it's just the things you do for me like the things you do for everyone else.”

I squeeze Harry's hand tight and chew on my lip. He is looking at his lap blushing over the things he just said. I desperately want to tell him that to me he is the most important, I would do anything for him. But, I promised to stay quiet until he is done.

“So yeah, back to the competition thing. I don't want to be eliminated because I want to win but I also don't want to be eliminated because I don't want to go home. Going back to Holmes Chapel doesn't feel like going home. It's like home has changed. Right here is home, not this house but being with you.

A few tears start to run down Harry's face at this point. I reach up and gently wipe them away with my thumb.

“But I feel stupid because you meen everything to me now and I don't know how you feel...like you might think of me the same as the other boys.” He takes a moment to collect himself and pulls his hand out of mine. He takes a deep breath and looks into my eyes. His green eyes are glistening with the tears that didn't fall. “I'm done.”

As soon as those two words leave his mouth I cup his cheek in my hand, “Hazza, Harold, Curly, Harry I swear to god there is no one more important to me than you. I would literally do anything for you. The other guys are great and they are my mates but it's not like you. You are so special honey.” I move so that our foreheads are touching. I steel myself feeling the weight of what I am about to say, I mean it but I don't know what it looks like for us. “Harry I will be your home if you will be mine.”

I hear a little gasp from Harry and then he tilts his head and kisses me. Harry Styles is kissing me. I'm stunned for a moment but then I kiss back. A lot of things are clear to me at this moment. My heart flutters as the last few months reframe themselves in my mind. I have been falling in love. I am in love. I had no idea but now that I see it, no other explanation makes sense. For fucks sake we cuddle and touch all the time, sleep snuggled up in the same bed, and stay up late into the night talking. How did I manage to convince myself the intensity of my feelings were platonic? Our kiss is sweet and chaste. I have wrapped the hand that was on his cheek in the curls on the back of his head and my other hand on his waist. While he is leaned forward one hand cupping my cheek the other around my torso.

I have no idea how long we have been kissing but eventually we pull back both a bit flushed and look at each other. I cock my head a little trying to ask if that was okay or really just trying to ask what is going on. I can't help but wonder if he has the same feelings I just discovered.

“Oops,” he whispers.

“Hi,” I respond, it feels appropriate, like I am seeing him for the first time again.

“I'm sorry, I just couldn't help...”

“Please don't apologize.” I press a small kiss on his lips and smile at him.

“I have wanted to do that for a while.”

“I didn't know I wanted you to, but I definitely did.”

“Umm, this is kind of awkward but, are you like gay or bi or something?” he asks me.

I have to think about this for a moment. “Honestly Haz, I don't know. Like I have been with girls before but I haven't felt this ummm taken with someone before.” He smiles showing me his wonderful dimples when I say that. “Are you? Gay I mean?”

“I don't know either... I thought I liked girls but I have fancied you for a while now.”

I know I'm grinning like an idiot, I can't help it. I spread my arms wide and say “Come here.” Harry crawls in my lap and I wrap my arms around him, peppering his cheeks and head with little kisses.

“I want to find out.” Harry says resolutely.

“Find what out?” I hum focused on how beautiful he looks flushed in the dim light.

“Find out if I'm gay.”

“Hmmm and how are we gonna do that Haz?”

“Well do you want to find out?”

“Yeah. I mean I know I liked kissing you just now and I want to kiss you more, like all the time.”

“Me too. But like how do you feel about ... penises?” Harry starts giggling and his face is bright red as he asks this.

“Well I don't have a problem with mine.”

“You know that's not what I mean!” Harry protests.

“I know, so how do we figure this out? Like show each other? That makes me nervous. Like I know we have seen each other naked but not in that way” Now I'm beet red and giggly too. This night has taken such an unexpected turn but I could not be happier.

“I have an idea,” Harry says.

“Yeah?” He looks down at his lap and seems nervous. “It's okay, tell me your idea. I won't make fun of you.”

He is still looking down but he starts to speak. “What if we both take a picture, like one where... like naked... and then we can show each other and see what we think. That way if it's weird it's just a picture.”

My heart is pounding and I am half hard just thinking about this little plan of Harry's. “Ummm... yeah... okay. Yeah,” I stutter out grinning like an idiot and finally burying my head in between his neck and shoulder.

“Okay, then let's do it tomorrow? Why wait? We can show each other out here tomorrow night.”

He has no patience. “Okay Hazz, but only if you want to. I don't want you to feel pressured or anything.”

“Lou, it was my idea!” Harry says as he moves from sitting in my lap to straddling my legs. He leans into me and punctuates each word with a kiss, “I.” kiss “Want.” kiss “To.” kiss “Do” kiss “This'' kiss “With” kiss “You”. This boy is going to kill me, my heart is pounding out of my chest, I am so nervous about what we just agreed to do and his kisses are overwhelming my senses. When he leans in to kiss me after saying “you” I surprise him by pulling him into a deeper kiss, still chaste, no tongue. I don't want to move too fast with the younger boy even though I am finding it hard to control myself.

Harry pulls away and hums contentedly settling back into my lap. I light another cigarette and we pass it back and forth, not talking just cuddling. This cuddling isn't new for us but it feels so much more intimate now that I stopped being an idiot and recognized my true feelings. Eventually we get up and head back inside to find the house has gone quiet, most people are in bed. We fall into our normal routine. I set our blankets and stuff outside the door to our room and we go into the bathroom to brush our teeth. We then take turns waiting in the hall while the other one wees. Before we creep into our room tonight I break the routine. I check to make sure no one is in the hall and then stop Harry at the door.

He cocks his head at me curiously but doesn't hesitate when I lean in for a brief kiss. When I pull back I ruffle his hair and whisper, “I can't let my Hazza go to bed without a good night kiss.” He beams at me and leans forward for another kiss, longer this time.

He pulls back reluctantly and says, “Okay, bed now.”

“Yes Harold, we have things to do tomorrow.” I give him a wink and he blushes and nods his head emphatically.

Finally we make it into the room, the lights are off and it is clear the other three boys are asleep. We toss the things we brought in on the top bed of our bunk and climb into the bottom bed. Harry likes to sleep facing the wall and I cuddle him from behind. We easily fit into the now familiar position. Tightly pressed together, my top arm holding Harry securely, my face buried in his curls, and our legs intertwined. Once we are settled Harry sighs quietly and I can feel his whole body relax against mine. Within minutes he is asleep.

I am exhausted but my mind is racing. I can't stop thinking about kissing Harry and our plan for tomorrow. I think I will take my picture tomorrow when I get my shower. I feel absolutely giddy with excitement and all the kissing tonight as gentle as it was still made me horny. I feel myself starting to get hard as my blood rushes downward but pressed up against Harry, that is not okay right now. I have to think about something else.

I start running through this week's song in my head until I calm down. Eventually, I am falling asleep but right before I slip into unconsciousness I am hit with a jolt of panic and my eyes fly open. I have to go see my dad for a few days next week and I'm doing the thing that makes him the most angry. I swear I can hear him barreling into the room and screaming, “Louis you fucking fag!” with a belt in his hand. I squeeze Harry tighter trying to shield him from this threat. It takes me a few minutes to calm down and realize it is just in my head, my dad is not here. Thankfully, my panic didn't wake Harry up.

I always thought it wasn't true when my dad beat on me for being gay, but maybe he was right all along. Right about me, not right about it being bad. I refuse to be ashamed of whatever this is with Harry. Illogically, I feel even more terrified to go to his house but I am able to convince myself he will have no way of knowing about me and Harry, so it won't be worse than normal. I have to stop chasing these thoughts or I will get worked up again. I try to clear my mind and match my breath to Harry's even ones. It is a slow process but eventually I am breathing deeply and my body starts to release its tension, after a while I drift into unconsciousness.

3

“Louis fucking Tomlinson!” I startle awake facing the wall. Glancing over my shoulder I see Liam standing by our bunk and he looks furious. Louis is sleepily burrowing deeper into my back.

“What is going on?” Niall asks through a yawn from his bed.

“Well I just want to go get a shower, but all of my pants seem to have gone missing.”

Louis sits up, “and what does that have to do with me Payno?” Louis prompts, with so much sass in his voice it is obvious this has everything to do with him.

“I'm bloody confident you and probably Zayn know exactly what this has to do with you. Just give them back.”

“Sorry mate, I don't have your pants.” Louis responds, his voice laced with mischief, he is loving this.

“Zayn!” Liam shouts turning to face Zayn's bed.

“I don't have them either,” he responds clearly trying not to laugh, showing his empty hands.

“Then where are they?” Liam asks exasperatedly.

Louis' face lights up with a huge smile and his eyes sparkle even in the dim light. “I think you might want to go check the girls’ room, I'm sure they've found some of them by now.”

“Oh my god... you didn't!” Liam sinks onto the ground like his legs can't support him. “Well they won't know they are mine, it's fine.... yeah.”

“I'm pretty sure your mum wrote your name in every single pair,” Zayn responds. Liam lets out a loud groan while Zayn, Louis, Niall and I burst into laughter.

Right on cue there is a knock at the door accompanied by whispering girls. Sophie's voice rises above the rest, “Liam we have some questions for you.”

Liam starts collecting himself and stands up before he walks out the door, he looks back at Louis and shouts over our peels of laughter, “I am going to get you back for this.”

“I can't wait to see you try,” Louis retorts. After Liam leaves the room and everyone calms down he turns back to me and says, “roll over Haz we have another 45 minutes until our alarm goes off.”

I willingly comply and once we are cuddled up again I whisper, “That was brilliant Lou.” In response I feel him press a gentle kiss on my scalp. With Louis wrapped around me I quickly fall back asleep to the sound of Liam pleading and apologizing to Sophie and Esther in the hallway.

“Haz, wake up honey,” Louis is petting my hair. As I come back to consciousness the first thing I notice is that Lou isn't in bed with me, instead he is standing above me.

“What’s going on?”

“It's time to wake up, I already had my shower it's your turn.” I sit up and look around the room, we are alone. The events of last night are coming back to me. Louis' lips pressed against mine, me straddling his hips, wrapped in his arms, the ghost of Lou's touches are all over my skin. And tonight, oh fuck, tonight! I have to take my picture.

“You okay?”

“Yeah, I'm good. Just you know, thinking about things.” I look up at him and see a shadow of concern flash across his face.

“Things? Is that good or bad?”

“Good, so good,” I quickly responded. Louis beams at me and I return his smile.

“You better hurry up, I took a little longer than normal. We may have to eat in the car.” Now Louis is looking a little embarrassed.

As I get out of bed and gather some clothes and my towel I glance at the clock, we really are running behind, I ask, “What took you so long?”

Louis walks up to me and grabs my hand. I am very aware of the fact that I am only in my boxers and he is fully clothed. “Well you know it's hard to get photo ready this early in the morning.” He gives me a slightly exaggerated wink and starts to lean into me, I meet him in the middle and press our lips together. The thought of Louis taking an explicit picture for me combined with a kiss is too much. All of my blood is rushing downward and my cock is hardening. I know it must be very obviously tenting my thin boxers.

As we pull back, the door to the room flies open and Niall walks in. I quickly jump away from Louis and grab the clothes I gathered. I attempt to hold them casually over my crotch to hide my predicament. Luckily Niall is looking down at the DS in his hand and not paying much attention. I don't have the courage to look at Louis and see if he noticed.

“You better hurry up Harry,” Niall says, finally taking a proper look at me.

Before he has time to look at me too closely I grab my phone and head to the door, “working on it.”

I rush into the bathroom and I can't help myself, as soon as the door shuts behind me I drop my boxers and grab my dick stroking it lightly as I lock the door. I turn on the shower so the water can warm up and take a look in the mirror, my hair looks a little rumpled from sleep but not too bad. I grab my phone and let go of my dick. I really don't know how to do this but I don't have time to overthink it. I try to adjust my body to find the best angle in the mirror and adopt a confident and casual facial expression, I snap a photo quickly before I can chicken out. I glance at it to make sure it’s not blurry but I feel too embarrassed to inspect it closely.

Now that I have sorted that, I jump in the shower and finish myself off with quick, rough strokes while I think about Louis probably doing the same thing 20 minutes ago.

The day goes by painfully slow. I am full of giddy energy. One moment I am so excited and the next I am nervous to the point of shaking. I can't believe things went so well. When I talked to Lou last night I was so sure it would be the end of our special friendship, I was sure he would think I am needy and weird. But instead he accepted me, even admitting to needing me too. Then there was all of the kissing. Kissing! I have a kissing relationship with Louis Tomlinson. I never imagined, I planned to keep my crush a secret but something came over me last night. I had to try. I shot my shot and it seems to have worked out at least for now.

I have never given much thought to my sexuality. I have been dating girls because that is just what people do, I never minded it. I like kissing girls. I have always found boys attractive, I assumed that was normal. I figured I just had an aesthetic appreciation of boys. But I had never met a boy like Louis, I had never been so close to a boy, never cuddled, held hands, slept in the same bed, felt the warmth of the summer sun when someone looked at me. Louis stormed into my life and rearranged everything and now I need him, I need him so much, I don't understand how I lived 16 years without him, and I know I would never make it through this crazy experience of competition and fame without him.

I make it through the day's rehearsals, I do my best to push aside the nerves and anticipation so I can focus on learning _Total Eclipse of the Heart_. I can't let this affect my performance, we all rely on each other so I need to be at my best. Louis and I manage to act normal all day. It isn't that difficult considering normal for us is being all over each other. All five of us are very close and have arms draped around each other's shoulders all the time but Louis and I have always taken it a little further. I will almost always choose to plop down in his lap rather than finding a seat of my own and we stand next next to each other as much as possible. When he drapes his arm over my shoulder I usually reach up to hold the hand resting on my collarbone and he does the same. It isn't unusual to see us leading each other around with arms linked or hands clasped. So really we just don't kiss and we seem normal to everyone else. But between us there is a new electricity in our touches and intensity in our eyes when they lock, blue on green.

We pile into a van after the group rehearsal, it is evening and they fed us dinner at the rehearsal space since they had all the contestants together. The five of us are taking up the back two rows in the van. Liam, Louis, and I in the back row, Zayn and Niall turned around looking back at us from the row in front of ours. Mary is also sitting with them.

“It's been a long day boys, I am knackered. Can't wait to get back and have an early night,” Mary muses.

“Early night? What's that like?” Zayn grumbles. “I have never slept so little in my whole life.”

“Well our night isn't over yet,” Liam says giving Zayn a pat on the shoulder which quickly turns into a shoulder rub, “This doesn't mean you are forgiven from this morning yet,” he adds quietly. Zayn nods his head slowly. I can see the tension draining out of him, he is visibly more relaxed.

“Don't wear yourselves out boys,” Mary gently scolds, “you need your rest, don't want anyone getting sick again.”

“Where do we want to do our extra rehearsal boys?” Louis asks as he pulls me in close to him and wraps one of his arms around my waist, his other hand instinctively stroking my curls and gently massaging my scalp even though it is an awkward angle. I didn't realize how tense I was but I feel my body relaxing into Louis and I have to suppress the audible sigh that wants to escape, I must look just like Zayn right now.

“Stairs?” Niall asks, “We will need to be there anyway to record the video diary. That will be fun, always is.” Niall is beaming, his enthusiasm for everything has yet to fail at cheering us up and pretty quickly we are all smiling and nodding back at Niall. I know Louis is scheming about what kind of antics he can get away with for this video.

Once we arrive at the house we all file out of the bus. “I'm gonna go change into something more comfortable before we get started,” Liam says walking through the front door. Niall and Zayn mumble their ascent and walk in with him. Louis heads over to the side yard lighting a cigarette. I trail after him.

“I don't think I'm gonna change,” he says looking down at his feet. I can tell he put extra effort into his outfit today, he is wearing slim cut khaki trousers low on his hips and a green t-shirt that altered the shade of his blue eyes in a way that has been fascinating me all day.

“You look really good,” I tell him with a big grin on my face. Feeling a little cheeky I try to snatch the cigarette from his hand. He reacts quickly and keeps me from grabbing it.

“Oh you want a puff, Hazz?” He asks, raising one of his eyebrows. While I am still nodding my head in ascent he grabs my hand and drags me in between two tall decorative bushes planted against the house, looking around to make sure we are hidden. He takes a long drag, carefully inhaling the smoke into his lungs, I am staring at him absolutely transfixed by how sensual he looks right now with his delicate pink lips wrapped around the cigarette contrasting the mischievous look in his eyes. What is this boy trying to do here? I am caught off guard when his lips smash into mine, but I quickly catch on and kiss him back. As soon as my lips part under his I can feel the smoke leaving his body and entering my mouth, I inhale it into my lungs and when it is all transferred he pulls back and I slowly blow it out while staring into his eyes.

I watch as his eyes widen and take on a hungry look. The intimacy of what we just did and the way he is looking at me is causing a bit of a problem. We break contact and I try to subtly readjust the crotch of my trousers to deal with the problem arising down there, a difficult task considering we are basically pressed together between these bushes. Louis seems to recognize the problem and steps back into the open while making some readjustments of his own.

As I step out behind him he whispers, “You look so amazing, I have been dying to kiss you all day.”

“I think that is my favorite way to smoke,” Is all I can manage to say in response as he clearly checks me out from head to toe in my distressed jeans slung low around my hips only held up by a belt and a blue polo. I also put a little extra effort into my look today. Since openly gaping at each other is the mood I return the favor focusing on how incredible his almost feminine hips and ass look in those tight trousers.

“Okay, we better go inside, we will get back to this later,” Louis says, flashing me his characteristic cheeky grin. I blush and nod. Louis links his arm with mine and walks me inside.

We manage about an hour and a half of rehearsal before we film our video diary. No one really wants to have this extra practice but it's Wednesday, and the performance is just three days away, we all know it is necessary. Louis helps keep the mood light by imitating our vocal coach, Savan the whole time. My nervous excitement and the tension between Louis and I has been growing by the minute. By the time rehearsal is over and we are getting ready to film we have become incapable of not touching each other for even a second. Fingers tracing biceps, hands clasping, lap sitting, whatever we can get away with we are doing.

When we are finally ready to film, Louis and I are sitting next to each other on the bottom step, Niall and Zayn above us, and Liam on the one above them. I am not entirely sure how or why it happened but Lou has a black scarf tied around his head covering his eyes. He looks ridiculous but I can't keep my eyes off of him. We are sitting with some distance between us, and early on we find a reason to high five, well more like touching hands gently. Louis turns his face away trying to conceal a big smile and doesn't look back until he can pull a straight face. I am left trying to wipe the smug grin off my own face.

As we move on to twitter questions I realize what Louis scarf gimmick is, he is reading the questions off the page blindfolded. Must be pretty easy to see through that scarf. As he turns around to listen to a response from Zayn he is leaned in closer to me and I realize almost too late that I have leaned in to kiss him, luckily he turns his head back around before I get the chance. I need to get myself under control and fast or else we will never make it through this diary. To play it off as a joke the next time he turns around to hear an answer from Liam (which is immediately) I make like I'm leaning in for a kiss and then make a silly face instead, he responds by sticking his tongue out, he can definitely see me.

As we continue filming I discover that I have gravitated closer to him. When Louis makes a comment about us all being normal people I take mock offense and lightly slap him. We are nearing the end and on the last question Louis is clearly rushing cutting each of the boys off as they try to explain what romantic thing they would do for a girl. Why are we always asked about girls? I realize at this point that I have been so wrapped up in Lou I have barely listened or taken notice of the other boys. I try to perk up and be more engaged with everyone but I keep catching myself looking at Lou.

Finally, the filming is over and we all agree that it is time to pack it in for the night, no more work, we all need a break. The other boys start discussing if they want to watch a film or play FIFA, eventually settling on FIFA because they don't want to stay up too late.

“Joining us lads?” Liam asks looking at Louis and I. We are still on the bottom step holding hands waiting for a socially acceptable time to leave and this would be it.

I look at Louis and then back at Liam, “No I don't think so, you guys have fun.” I don't think the other boys know what we do or where we go before bed but they are accustomed to us disappearing together every night and coming in after they have gone to sleep. Louis and I jump up and make our way up the stairs. My stomach is full of butterflies. I can't believe this is happening.


	3. 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As soon as the other boys head to the living room to play video games Harry and I stumble up the stairs like toddlers, giggling. We race each other to our room, I win of course, I sprint easily as Harry struggles to control his growing limbs. As soon as we enter the room I pounce on Harry knocking him on our bunk and tickle his tummy until he screams out his laughter. That is my favorite Harry sound. He wraps his arms and legs around me like a koala pulling me down on top of him. I find myself nose to nose with Harry as he holds me tightly, pressing our bodies together. I stare at him for a moment mapping his perfect face and then I kiss him. Hungrily. This time my tongue slips into his mouth. I can hear a slight gasp and then he returns the kiss shoving his tongue in my mouth. I am just a few seconds away from completely losing myself in his arms, so with great difficulty I break away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This is a long chapter but also my favorite so far particular the part at the very end :) Also things start to heat up.
> 
> TW: Panic Attack, Anxiety, Past child abuse

1

I was buzzing all the way through the video diary, as usual I tried (maybe too hard) to be funny and get a laugh out of all the boys and subsequently our audience. At the end of these long days it is good to keep things light. But by the time we were through I was a nervous wreck. As soon as the other boys head to the living room to play video games Harry and I stumble up the stairs like toddlers, giggling. We race each other to our room, I win of course, I sprint easily as Harry struggles to control his growing limbs. As soon as we enter the room I pounce on Harry knocking him on our bunk and tickle his tummy until he screams out his laughter. That is my favorite Harry sound. He wraps his arms and legs around me like a koala pulling me down on top of him. I find myself nose to nose with Harry as he holds me tightly, pressing our bodies together. I stare at him for a moment mapping his perfect face and then I kiss him. Hungrily. This time my tongue slips into his mouth. I can hear a slight gasp and then he returns the kiss shoving his tongue in my mouth. I am just a few seconds away from completely losing myself in his arms, so with great difficulty I break away.

“Not here Haz.”

Harry looks back at me eyes wide, “yup, you're right, come on Lou lets go.” He pushes me back on my feet and jumps up behind me. We grab our blankets and cigarettes and rush out the door. We barrel down the hallway and out onto the balcony. After dropping our stuff in our favorite corner I turn to face Harry. We are both standing and we are basically the same height so I am looking straight into his eyes. When his grass green eyes meet mine, all of the childish energy drains out of me being replaced with nerves and anticipation. I can see the anxiety creeping into his expression as well.

I hate seeing him look uncomfortable, I reach forward and take his hand gently rubbing his palm with my thumb. “We don't have to do this if you don't feel comfortable.”

“I want to, I'm just nervous. I have butterflies in my stomach.”

I look down and back up at him, “me too. I like your butterflies.” I kiss the fingers of my free hand and gently press it against Harry's tummy. I know that was cheesy or maybe just dumb but it makes Harry grin dimples and all, and that is all I care about right now.

Harry swallowed thickly and forced a long breath out of his mouth. His grin shifts into a cheeky little smile, his eyes are focusing with intent, “How do you want to do this? Show each other at the same time?”

“Yeah okay,” I release his hand and pull my phone out of my pocket. We are both facing each other, heads bent over our phones just mere inches from each other. I pull up the photo I took this morning after my shower and I immediately start to blush, I can't believe I am about to show this to Harry. I look up to indicate I’m ready and I find him already watching me.

I hand Harry my phone and accept his. Harry counts off, “1,2,3, look.” I look down at the phone in my hand and see my beautiful Harry looking rumpled from bed completely naked in a steamy bathroom. My eyes travel lower down the screen and focus on his hard cock. As I stare dumbstruck I feel my own cock getting hard in my tight trousers. Before I can really process the magnificence of what I am seeing my focus is broken by a small gasp from Harry that quickly turns into a little moan. Snapping back to Harry standing in front of me, I run my eyes up his body seeing his own erection bulging in his jeans. When I get to his eyes I see him staring at my crotch, then he slowly shifts his gaze, meeting my eyes. When our eyes lock, I am sure of what I already knew, I want this, I want Harry and no one else. I want this boy more than I have ever wanted a girl.

We are frozen staring at each other hungrily. I have lost all reason and stupidly say, “I'm gay.”

Color rises in his pale face and he nods his head slowly, “Me too.”

As soon as those words leave his mouth all control leaves my body. I lunge forward, meeting his lips with mine. As he stumbles, pressing his back against the wall behind him I cup the back of his head with my hand so he doesn't hit it against the wall. Our tongues are exploring each other's mouths in a messy kiss, there is no finesse, just need.

I run my hands down his arms and reach greedily up his shirt, feeling along his back desperately needing his bare skin under my hands. Harry's hands travel down my back and settle on my ass, he moans into my mouth as his hands gently squeeze. That is my new favorite Harry sound. In response I feel my dick get harder, now almost painful, begging for friction.

I press myself completely into Harry freeing my hands from under his shirt, wrapping one arm around his waist and placing the other hand against the wall beside his head. I feel his arms wrap tightly around my waist as his hands explore the plains of my back. Finally breaking the wet kiss, I nuzzle into his neck and slide a leg between his. He immediately started rubbing his hard cock against my leg. I follow suit and start moving against his leg finding the friction I so desperately need, I hear myself let out a low moan and Harry's body shivers in response. I latch on to his neck alternating between sucking, biting, and licking causing Harry to rub against me faster as he quietly moans, my name slipping from his mouth in a deep pleading voice, “Louis.”

I know I should be embarrassed rutting against his leg but it feels so good and honestly, all reason has left me at this point. Satisfied that I have left my mark on his neck I start kissing up his neck, over his jaw line, finally locking lips with him again. After kissing for a moment he pulls back, once again moaning my name, “Lou.”

This time I respond with my own moan, “Haz.”

I can feel his movement against my leg getting more erratic and uncoordinated. “Lou, I'm sorry, I think I'm gonna come,” he whines.

I lean into him pressing my mouth up to his ear and whisper in a deep voice I barely recognize as my own, “come for me Harry,” then I gently bite his earlobe. This sends him over the edge his body tenses and twitches as he lets out the most beautiful sounds I have ever heard, his soft grunts and moans send me right over the edge with him as the heat that has been pooling low in my abdomen releases and pure pleasure radiates through my body. I move against his leg slowly a few more times and then stop, over stimulated.

Gently, I reach my free hand behind Harry's head and guide it into the crook of my neck. Holding securely around his waist and gently combing my fingers through his curls, damp with sweat as we both come down.

I have no idea how long we stay like this but I am content holding Harry, surrounded by his sweet smell as his hot breath tickles my neck. Eventually he looks up at me, meets my eyes, and then looks down again. He seems to be overcome with shyness. Honestly, I have no idea what’s going through his head. I feel amazing but I need to let him express how he feels, if he has the same certainty I do or if he doesn't like what we just did. I lean forward and plant a gentle peck on his nose as I release him. Taking his hand I led him over to our corner and I let him sit down first and then sit next to him but leaving a little distance. He sits down and I spread a blanket over our legs making sure he is fully covered. As I struggle to get a cigarette lit I realize how shaky I am, eventually I prevail and take a long drag. I pass the cigarette to Harry which he takes willingly. I lift up my arm next to him and tilt my head in question, offering to cuddle if he wants to. There is no hesitation, Harry immediately pressed into me. A wave of relief washes over me as I wrap my arm around him, holding him close.

“You are incredible, Harry. So sexy. So beautiful.” I tell him in a soft voice.

We pass the cigarette a few times before he says anything. “You are just amazing, I mean that picture, your dick, your ass Louis...... I'm sorry.” As the last part comes out he buries his head in my chest. I quickly put out the cigarette and then evelope him in a big hug.

“Sorry, what are you sorry for darling?”

He doesn't respond at first but I wait and rub soothing circles into his back. I know he will fill the silence when he is ready. Eventually he mumbles face still pressed into me, “I came in my pants like a 13 year old, and so quickly.”

“Oh Harry, honey, don't feel bad about that. I did too.”

His head jerks up so suddenly it almost smacks me under the chin. “You did?” he asks, staring at me intensely. I get a good look at him now. His lips are swollen and I can see the bruise emerging on his neck from my love bite. The sight of him causes my cock to twitch.

“Yeah,” I answer feeling my cheeks heat up. We lock eyes for a second and both smile at the same time. I lean forward and kiss him slowly, with care.

When we pull apart he lets out a little laugh, and says “my pants are wet and sticky.”

When he says this I suddenly become aware of my own uncomfortable situation. “Bit cold, innit?” We both laugh. “Maybe next time we can actually get our dicks out.”

“Next time?”

“I want a next time.”

“Me too, Lou.”

We stay outside for a little while longer cuddling and kissing. After a bit we head inside and take turns getting cleaned up in the bathroom and changing pants. The other boys have not turned in yet, they must still be playing video games. I decided to sleep in just my boxers, I usually wear a t-shirt since Harry sleeps topless, I didn't want it to be weird. I'm not feeling very weird about it now.

As I climb into bed we settle into our normal spooning position. After a minute a very sleepy voice whispers, “I like your skin against mine.”

“Me too. Now get some sleep honey.” Without really thinking about it I find myself quietly singing to Harry. Maybe it is because the room is empty for once. Back home I usually sing to my youngest sisters as they go to sleep, so it feels normal to me. Truly I want to show tenderness to Harry and he doesn't seem to mind. So I continue for a few minutes until he falls asleep. My own consciousness slips quickly and I sleep deeply and dreamlessly for a change.

The past few days have been the best of my life, Harry and I are so in sync and having a great time. We are concerned about getting caught in too much of a compromising position out on the deck so we are careful out there. But I found a supply closet at the rehearsal space that gets left unlocked, resulting in quick handjobs during breaks a few times a day, we are teenagers and the need is insatiable.

Last night I managed to get all of the contestants together to watch a horror movie and we had a blast. Harry and Niall were terrified so everyone has been sneaking up on them all day, trying to startle them.

Our song for this week is amazing and I think we are really going to do a good job. Best of all the producers are calling my dad and trying to convince him to let me off the hook for the visit next week. I am really hoping he says yes. If I can get out of this trip I never have to see him again.

I am returning to the house on Friday evening with Liam after walking down to the corner store. I needed more cigarettes and Liam wanted to get some fresh air. As we walk into the entry way the sounds of the house wash over me. I am heading into the living room to join the rest of the boys goofing off with Matt, Mary and a few of the Bell Amie girls when a producer taps me on the shoulder.

“Need you for a minute, Louis.” he says.

I nod and follow him into the dining area, which is relatively empty. I am feeling a bit nervous, it is not often that I speak with producers on my own. “What's up?” I ask.

“Well, we talked to your dad and he is insisting that you go visit him but he has agreed to shorten your trip.”

My heart drops into my stomach and a chill runs through my body causing goosebumps to rise on my arms and a wave of nausea passes through me. I nod at him.

“You will leave Sunday night after the show and return Wednesday morning.”

“What about rehearsal?” I stutter.

“You will have to catch up on Wednesday, that will give you three days to figure it out.”

“Okay,” I stand awkwardly looking at him.

“That's all.”

“Thanks,” I turn around and walk back into the main entry and freeze. I don't know what to do now, my heart is pounding in my chest and my breathing is shallow, I don't want anyone to see me like this. After a moment, I sneak past the living room, everyone is distracted by Zayn and Harry telling a funny story about trying to dance in a group rehearsal. I make it to the stairs and slowly climb up, I want to hurry but my limbs feel heavy and are not responding as they should. I finally make it to our room and my heart sinks when I find Liam inside, I am standing in the doorway trying to steady my breathing and arrange my features into a normal expression. Liam has his back to me rummaging through his bag.

He startles when he turns around, “didn't realize you were there. Louis? Have you ever been this quiet before?” I am staring at him blankly, his banter is not getting through the haze of panic consuming me. “Are you okay, you look very pale?”

“I'm alright. Just tired.” I say quietly trying to control my voice and keep it from shaking. At least I managed to answer this time.

“Well get some rest, we need you well for this weekend. I was just heading downstairs.”

I nod at him and flop down on my bed as he walks out the door. As soon as he is gone I start gasping for air, I can't breathe, haven't breathed since I answered Liam. My mind is running through previous visits to my dads, cataloguing the bruises, repeating the things he says to me. I'm so scared, I'm terrified, and I'm ashamed that he does this to me. I recognize that I need to calm down, but it is not easily done. I feel around me desperately for something soothing. If I were at home I would grab my teddy but of course I didn't bring her with me here, thinking I was too old and wouldn't need her. Stupid wishful thinking. Finally, my hand closes around a soft sweatshirt. I bring it up to my face and press the cool fabric on my cheek, the smell tells me that Harry wore it last and that provides some comfort. I start trying to breath deeply. Counting the length of my inhales and exhales. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 breath in. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 breath out. It takes a long time to actually even out my breath but eventually I do. By the time my heart rate has come down I am exhausted and I slip into a restless sleep.

There is a hand on my back, someone is touching me. I am startled into consciousness, already forgetting my unsettling dreams as I wildly try to understand why I am being touched, who is touching me,and where I am. I jolt upwards into a sitting position pressing my back against the wall and burying my face into the sweatshirt I find clutched in my arms. “I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,” I start repeating in a quiet voice muffled by the fabric.

“Lou, are you okay?” A quiet voice laced with concern says. I am still muttering apologies but I start to remember I am at the X-factor house, the news I got, and what happened before I fell asleep.

“Boo, calm down. Shhhhh.” It's Harry, fuck. I cut off my apologies as I fully come back to myself realizing I must look like a wounded animal. My panic is being replaced with intense embarrassment.

“That's good, yeah. You're calming down. What happened?” Harry's voice is soothing but I can't bear to look at him, I don't want anyone to see me like this especially Harry. I keep my face buried in the hoody, maybe if I don't say anything he will leave.

“Louis, you're scaring me, do I need to go get help? Are you okay?”

Fuck, if he leaves he is going to come back with the other boys, or Mary, or the producers. Fuck. I have to say something. I don't lift my head but I mumble into the fabric. “Mmm okay.” Maybe he will leave now.

“Bull shit.”

That didn't work. “Don't need you to get help.” I follow up.

“Okay Boo, that's okay. I'll just sit here then. I didn't mean to startle you. Liam said you were taking a nap but you missed dinner and I was worried.”

“Not your fault, Haz.” I say, peaking my eyes over the sweatshirt.

“There you are.” He is looking searchingly into my eyes.

Harry is not going to leave so I just have to face this. I slowly lift my head and drop the sweatshirt in my lap, worrying it with my hands. “I'm a mess.”

“You're not, you do look freaked out though.” I am just staring at him, I don’t know what to say and I still feel really jittery. “Can I touch you now?” he asks tentatively.

I nod my head and Harry's arms spring forward and draw me into his chest hugging me tightly. Clearly, he was struggling not to do that before. He is stroking my back for a while and then starts talking, “Lou, I'm so sorry I touched you earlier. I didn’t mean to scare you Boo. Can you tell me what's going on?”

I don't respond immediately but enjoy his arms around me allowing myself to feel safe and secure. Eventually, I pull back and nod my head but I'm finding it hard to tell him, I don't want to worry him, and saying it out loud makes it more real.

“Let's get comfortable.” Harry moves so he is leaning against the wall and settles me between his splayed legs, he wraps me in his arm and holds me.

“The producers just told me. Well I was supposed to go, but I didn't say anything because I was trying to get out of it.” I stop and rub at my face frustrated, knowing I am not making any sense. I try again, “I have to go to my dads next week.” Harry's arms immediately tighten pressing my back against him, he rests his chin on my shoulder.

“When?”

“I leave Sunday after the show and get back Wednesday morning.”

“Is there any way you can get out of it?”

“No, I already tried.”

“Do you think it will be bad? Like bad bad, like you told me about at the Bungalow?”

“I don't know,” I do know, it will be. But I can't tell Harry that. I can't handle upsetting him anymore.

“Should you tell your mom?”

“No Haz, I won't do that.” We sit in silence for a few minutes.

“We can text while you are there, yeah?”

“Yeah we can.”

“And maybe just leave if it gets bad.”

I nod at this. “I want a smoke.”

We head out to the deck bringing our book with us, we read for a little while, cuddled up, turning pages when we have both finished. Eventually we shift into kissing slowly, gently, just enjoying holding each other. We barely speak the whole time but that is okay, sometimes we don’t need words to understand each other. By the time we make it to bed I feel a lot calmer. I can't change this, I just have to face it. It is what it is.

2

All five of us are ecstatic. We made it through to the next week and our performance went amazingly. The judges praised us and the audience was so loud. The only downside is that Louis Walsh accused Simon of giving us all of his attention and not the other groups. Lou actually sassed him a little but luckily it went mostly unnoticed.

Lou defending us was actually really sweet and kind of sexy. He is a sight tonight in his pinstriped trousers that hug him in all the right ways and long cardigan. But the red eyeliner is the star, it looks incredible. I can't keep my eyes off of him. I have wanted to drag him somewhere private all night but the excitement of getting through has pushed me over the edge. I can barely wait. I am already getting hard, luckily my jeans conceal it pretty well but I am uncharacteristically shy when changing back into our regular clothes trying to hide it. I don't think anyone else noticed but Louis who was staring at me, watching while I changed which only made my problem worse.

Once everything is wrapped up we all pile into the van to head back to the contestant's house. Louis and I find ourselves in the corner of the back row surrounded by the other boys. He has an arm slung around my shoulders but he is chattering excitedly with the other boys.

I want him to pay attention to me. I start rubbing his calf with my foot, he looks over and smiles at me but then turns back to listen to Liam's breakdown of our song. I am getting desperate, he is about to leave and I'm so horny and I just want him to focus his deep blue eyes on me and only me. I worm my arm around his waist and try to stroke his side with my thumb subtly, luckily it is dark in the car. Still no response, just a little squirm which I take advantage of to pull him in closer to me. Our legs are now touching but he is still chatting, telling some joke about the backstage scene we filmed today. I am sure it is very funny but I can't focus, I am just watching his soft pink lips moving, imagining them kissing me and sucking on my neck.

That line of thinking gets my cock fully hard, I can't take this anymore. I sling my leg across him so I am almost sitting in his lap. He settles his hand in my curls gently scratching my scalp, a shiver travels through my whole body at his touch. He wraps up his joke and finally, finally turns to look at me. He leans forward and whispers in my ear, “Need something Love?” I just nod my head in response. “Someone is a little desperate,” he whispers.

“I am.” I say back in his ear. Louis responds with an amused chuckle. Some part of me might think that my display right now is embarrassing, but I can't seem to access that part of my brain. I am truly only thinking with my dick right now. The only thing running through my mind is, Louis, Louis talking in my ear, Louis’ hands on me, Louis’ lips on mine….

Lou moves his head back trying to not look too suspicious, at least he is thinking somewhat clearly because I’m not. I realize that might not be true when I watch him pointedly look down at the poorly concealed bulge in my trousers and then back up at me smirking and cocking his head. Such a tease.

We pass the rest of the ride like this. Eventually I get my other leg across him and his hand not massaging my scalp rests on my thigh, just a little bit closer to my ass than he could claim “No homo” about. Again thank god it is pretty dark. We attempt to keep up the conversation with the boys but Louis is a lot more focused on me now and explains away my distracted responses by telling them I'm tired.

It feels like it takes forever but eventually we arrive at the house. Inside we find the downstairs set up for an after party, like usual. Louis announces loudly to know one in particular that he needs to go pack. I know he packed earlier today and doesn't have to leave for 45 minutes. I take this as my cue to follow him. He motions for me to wait and then heads up the stairs. I tuck myself into a corner and chat with Zayne and Matt for five minute, then I make an excuse of going to find a drink and head straight upstairs. I am heading to our room but I find myself being pulled into the bathroom as I pass it. Louis shuts the door behind me and locks it.

I am being pressed against the wall and Louis is biting and sucking on my neck, it hurts a little but I don't mind, it makes me even more aroused, I didn't even realize that was possible. I start to let out a moan but I cut it off quickly remembering where we are.

He releases the now tender skin on my neck and says in a gravelly voice. “I had to leave my mark.” Fuck. This boy, he is perfect. I lunge my head forward to catch his bottom lip in between my teeth, biting hard, savoring the little gasp that escapes his mouth. Louis presses himself closer to me pinning me between the wall and his body. When I taste a little blood I release his lip and connect our mouths licking the blood from inside his mouth. I feel soft lips returning my kiss and his tongue pressing into my mouth, exploring as he adjusts his hips to be sure I can feel his hard cock pressing against my leg.

I can't take this anymore, I break the kiss off and pull his shirt over his head, following suit he scrambles to get my shirt off. When we are topless the mood shifts to something more tender, the weight of Louis' trip washing over both of us. Louis steps back a little and places his hand over my heart, “What do you want Haz?”

“Touch me, please,” I answer quietly, laying my hand on top of his, not even trying to mask the need in my voice. He smiles at me and runs his hand lightly down my chest , it tickles when his hands brush over my stomach but quickly his fingers are teasing at my waist band fingers slowly dipping underneath the elastic of my pants. I stare at him trying to convey all of my desperation through my eyes. He is staring back at me with his stunning blue eyes contrasted with the red eyeliner rimming them, showing me his own need through his blown out pupils.

A groan escapes my mouth and he lifts his delicate finger to his mouth making a shushing motion. His hands snap to my jeans, deftly unbuttoning them and pulling my trousers, pants and all just below my bum finally releasing my erection. He takes a moment just to stare at it and then lifts his hand to his mouth and starts to lick it, I reach forward and snatch his hand to my mouth and messily lick it, slicking it up. He lifts his eyes from my cock and looks at me through long, dark eyelashes, sucking on his lip where it is bleeding.

I stop licking and he grasps my dick firmly starting a torturously slow rhythm of long strokes, driving me wild. I lean into him and kiss along his jawline, when I reach the top I nip his earlobe and then quickly dart my tongue inside his ear. Louis moans through closed lips.

I need to touch him. I need to touch him now. I try to tell him as much by whispering in his ear, “Lou, need you.” He clearly understands my stilted request and moves his hand that isn't stroking me to the closure of his own trousers struggling to unbutton and unzip himself with one hand. I reach forward to help and quickly have his trouser and pants pushed down. I can't wait for niceties so I just spit in my hand and grasp his thick girth. I try to match his slow strokes but I find myself speeding up hoping he will do the same and he does.

In an instant I decide to try something I have been wondering about, I want to give him something special before he leaves. I place my free hand on his curvy ass and pull him forward so our dicks are so close we can no longer pump our fists. I brush my fingers against his, still clutching each other. “Let me. '' he looks at me a little confused but let's go and moves his hands to my waist. I grasp both of our dicks in my hand squeezing them together as I start to pump.

Louis throws his head back and groans, “Hazz. Fuck.” Then he buries his face in my neck muffling his moans. I am so focused on what I am doing I don't even realize I am moaning his name repeatedly until he lifts his head up and puts a hand against my mouth pressing our foreheads together. I speed up my strokes caught up in how incredible it is to feel his cock against mine. I am so close but I don't want to come first, heat is pooling in my abdomen, whiteness gathering in my peripheral vision. I strain trying to hold it back.

“Fuck, fuck, Harry. Harry” Louis starts chanting, way too loud and then snaps his other hand up to cover his own mouth.

“Come for me Boo,” I beg, I can't wait much longer. After another few strokes Louis stiffens and then relaxes painting our bare stomachs with white streaks. Finally I can let go, In three more strokes I give in, pleasure radiating through my whole body, vision whiting out momentarily, adding my own come to the mess.

I release our cocks knowing we are both overstimulated now. I lean back letting my weight settle against the wall and wrapping my arms around him pulling him close further smearing the sticky wetness on our stomachs as we both catch our breath.

“That was incredible,” Louis pulled back and tucked his hands in mine, I can't even see his small hands underneath my own. “Your hands are so fucking big, like you were made to do that.”

“I think I was. Also means I'm gonna be tall.”

“Don't remind me, you are gonna dwarf me one day, little bit.”

I flash him a big smile trying to imagine it. “Well you will always be older even if you will always be tiny.” I lean forward and peck his nose, stealing his own move.

“Oi, Wachit Mr.” He says and gives me a playful smack on the side of my ass and then turns around moving awkwardly to the sink with his trousers still around his thighs. He rummages around until he finds one of his own flannels, and uses it to clean himself up. When his own trousers are back on he walks over and gently cleans me up while giving me sweet little kisses all over my face.

When we are both fully clothed we make our escape, luckily there is no one in the hallway. Back in our room Louis adds a few more things to his backpack and then turns to me. “It's that time.” He opens his arms and folds me in when I step forward. I am at a loss for words, I have no idea what to say to him knowing what he is facing, so I just squeeze him and stroke his back. We hug swaying slightly until he pulls away and leans in sharing a lingering kiss with me. We reluctantly release each other but not before he runs his thumb over the love bite he gave me and I use my thumb to turn down his lip and press the small cut where I split it with my teeth. These gestures don't need any words to accompany them.

He shoulders his bag and we walk downstairs next to each other, me to join the party and Louis out the front door on his way to catch a train.

Before going to bed I make sure to set an alarm knowing Louis wont be there to wake me up. Zayn, Liam, and Niall are gossiping about the party as they get in bed. At first I try to join in but my heart isn't really in it so I just crawl into the bunk I am so used to sharing. Eventually everyone quiets down and Niall shuts off the lights. The bed feels cold and as exhausted as I am I can't fall asleep. This is ridiculous, I have been sleeping for 16 years without Louis but now the weight of his absence is suffocating. I miss his arms wrapped around me holding me close and his face buried in my hair, his breath on the back of my neck. I try to imagine he is there and eventually I drift into a restless sleep.

I am sleeping so lightly that I wake up as soon as the other boys start moving around. I sit up and rub my eyes, noticing that red makeup rubs off on my hands. Zayne and Niall are sitting up in bed and Liam is rummaging around getting his things together to take a shower.

Niall glances over at me, “Good morning Curly.”

“Morning,” I mumble.

“Woah! Hold on a sec,” Liam is approaching me and pointing at the bruise on my neck. “Who gave you that?”

I feel myself go red and lift my hand pressing on the tenderness of the bruise thinking of Louis.

My lack of response only piques their curiosity. Niall says, “spill, what's the story? Was it Esther, I thought she had been eying you.”

I just shake my head and muster up a cheeky smile, “I don't kiss and tell lads.” This is met with some laughter and further pleading for information but I stave them off.

Eventually Liam heads to the shower and Niall gets dressed and wanders downstairs mumbling something about tea. Zayne waits a moment then starts to head out as well, but when he reaches the door he turns to face me and moans, “Louis.” I feel my eyes go wide and the blood is rushing to my cheeks making them hot. Zayne just chuckles, shakes his head and leaves.

Fuck. That's a problem. I scramble for my phone to text Louis. On second thought I just text him a good morning. He has enough stress right now, I will tell him about Zayne when he gets back. Ding. I look down at my phone eagerly.

Louis: Call me? :)

I stumble out of bed tripping and falling hard on my hands and needs. I quickly recover and throw some joggers and a hoodie on as I rush out the door, to the balcony dialing Louis.

Louis tells me he can't talk long but wanted to say hi. Sticking to my decision not to mention what happened with Zayne just yet, I tell him how much I missed him in bed instead. Pretty quickly our conversation devolves into a recap of what we did in the bathroom last night. By the time Louis says he has to go I am hard and heading to the shower to take care of my problem and get ready.

The rest of my day goes by pretty well, talking to Louis really cheered me up and Zayne doesn't say anything else to me and I don't think he has told anyone else so I push it to the back of my mind. I don't hear from Lou very much but I do text him a pic of this week's rehearsal schedule and the name of our song. He sent a quick thank you in response.

When we get back to the house we film a segment about cooking in the kitchen with the chefs. I really enjoy cooking even though I don't know much about it so I have a blast learning from and bantering with the chefs. A few hours later everyone is satiated on the delicious food we prepared and wine. Mary gives us four boys a glass each saying she is our temporary mother so it's okay and nobody else complains. At 16 and 17 we exist in a grey area when it comes to drinking.

Still enjoying each other's company Liam and Matt decide that everyone has to participate in a Mario Kart tournament and draw up some sort of complicated bracket that honestly doesn't make much sense to me but it still sounds fun.

The tournament ends up being a blast, it quickly turns hysterical as people start cheating, snatching controllers out of other people's hands and trying to distract each other. While Niall is playing I cover his eyes with my hands and Zayn pins his arms to his sides so he can't shake me off. He gets out that round and tackles me when he is done and we wrestle until Liam pulls me off saying I am in the next round.

The course was randomly selected and we ended up on rainbow road. My focus is razor sharp and I am staying in the lead as I expertly dodge the bits of popcorn and pillows that are being chucked at me. Aiden is in a close second and I catch him glancing at me in my peripheral vision. Now he is saying, “Looks like Louis is back early.”

My head immediately snaps up and I am searching around the room when I start to hear everyone laughing. “Fuck off,” I shout back at Aiden and then look at the screen to see that I have fallen off the course and I am now in sixth place and falling further behind.

Through the giggles I hear Aiden say something about, “everyone's favorite bromance,” met with a lot of agreement from the people around us. I decide I have lost anyway so I drop my controller and lock eyes with Niall who is holding a bowl of popcorn and flash him a huge grin, my sabotage last game already behind us. He seems to understand what I have in mind and walks over to Aiden with the bowl. I jump up and join him and together we upturn the whole bowl on his head, resting it upside down on his head so he can't see. The game forgotten Aiden throws the bowl off of his head and starts picking popcorn up and flinging it back at us. We really get into the popcorn fight chasing each other around the room until Matt announces that both Aiden and I are out. The three of us collapse on the couch laughing and exhausted.

Everything starts to settle down as the competition is narrowed down, people peeling off to go to bed. Liam, Niall, and I eventually join them wishing Zayne luck since he is still playing. All three of us fall exhaustedly into bed, this is our second late night in a row and we are feeling it.

I am grateful for the exhaustion. Hopefully, I will fall asleep quickly and not dwell on the empty space in my bed. After tossing and turning for a while I realize this isn't going to be true. My mind is running through a lot of thoughts. Things that I had ignored all day are overwhelming me now.

I have barely heard from Louis since we talked this morning when he had to run off in a hurry. I really hope this is okay, I am finding myself consumed with worry for him being stuck alone with his dad. What if he gets hurt or his dad says something extra cruel? After seeing Louis so freaked out the other night I realized how bad things can get and just how fragile he can be even though he is hesitant to admit anything. I find myself sitting up in bed hugging my knees giving up on sleep for now.

My concern shifts into worrying about the state of our relationship. We haven't even discussed if we are dating. I don't know how to define our relationship, I don't even know how to define my sexuality and I'm pretty sure Louis is just as confused as I am. But what we have is so precious but also delicate, I can't stand the thought of it ending, I'm not sure I could handle that heartbreak because even through the confusion I know that I love him. But if this comes out before we are ready how will it affect us? Zayne clearly knows something is going on, he heard us in the bathroom last night. And maybe other people are catching on based on the bromance jokes earlier. How long before they notice it is something more?

As I am chasing these thoughts around Zayne slips into the room. I don't even notice until he is sitting on the bed next to me and placing a gentle hand on my back. “You okay?”

I try to respond but don't have the energy to lie so I just shrug my shoulder.

“Are you missing Louis?”

I bury my head in my hands not sure how to answer this without being too obvious but also he already knows.

“It's okay,” he continues in a whisper, “I did hear you two last night but I don't think it's weird or anything. I won't tell anyone.”

I look up feeling more confident, “you promise?”

“Yeah I promise.” I smile at him feeling a huge wave of relief wash over me.

Zayne leans in and gives me a big bear hug that I return, “try to get some sleep, he will be back in a few days.” He gets up and heads over to his bed. I lay back down and tell myself Louis is going to be okay, he is very tough and now our secret is secure until we are ready to share. I chuckle to myself thinking of our display in the car after the show, we might need to tone that down a little.

Our first rehearsal for the day is at 10am so we all have a bit of a lie in and then head over to the rehearsal space. We are warming up in the assigned piano room waiting for Savan to arrive when the door cracks over. I look over my shoulder expecting to see the vocal coach but instead I see soft brown fringe poking out from a gray beanie and deep blue eyes with dark circles under them. He looks tired, but he is back, he is back early.

His name slips out of my mouth, “Louis.”

“Hazz.”

I am not really thinking about the fact that the other boys are here. I quickly move toward Lou as he moves toward me. When we meet in the middle Louis wraps his arms around my neck and I am lifting him under his bum as he wraps his legs around me, the same way we grabbed each other on the bootcamp stage, it feels like ages ago.

“You okay?” I whisper in his ear.

“Yeah.”

“Well this is sweet and all but we have a lot of work to do.” Louis jumps down and we face the door again to see Savan watching us, “Glad your back Louis, we really need you to fill out the chorus”

“Glad to be here,” Louis responded, slipping into his professional demeanor. We move to gather around the piano, the other boys giving Louis hugs and pats on the shoulder. I make sure to stand next to him and smile like an idiot the whole rehearsal as our hands 'accidentally' brush each other's legs repeatedly. This week's song is  _ Kids in America,  _ we are very excited, our confidence has been building and even though no one will admit it we all know we will smash this.

We work the song until late in the afternoon continuing on our own after the scheduled time is over. With fifteen minutes to spare before the group rehearsal we split to take a break. We are doing vocals and staging so it will be a long evening with only a brief dinner break.

Louis walks over to the backpack he dropped when he came in and fishes out a pack of cigarettes and lighter, he doesn’t usually smoke before we get back to the house. Zayn and I follow him outside. They both light up and we talk about the new song, Zayn and Louis are already making up parody lyrics cracking us up. When I notice Zayn's cigarette is almost out I tell Louis I've changed my mind and I want one. He flashes me a knowing smile and lights a fresh one in his own mouth and passes it to me.

Zayn looks over at me and lifts his eyebrows, I nod my head lightly in response. He stubs out his cigarette and heads inside, “see you in there.” As soon as he is gone I pass my smoke over to Louis, I didn't actually want it, I feel like the nicotine would make me sick right now, but he doesn't mind a second one.

I want to touch him so bad. Hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I missed him but we are way too visible out here. I settle for taking the time to really look at him, inspecting him. I see a few bruises ringing his wrists where the sleeves of his jumper have rode up. And he seems slightly different. Standing up a bit straighter, shoulders pulled back, and less self-conscious in his movements. There is now a determined air to him. Honestly, it's really sexy but I can't help but wonder what caused this change.

“Are you really okay?” I ask him.

“Yeah I am, I'm tired but I'm okay.”

“Why did you come back early?”

“It was bad so I did what you said, I left.”

“What happened?”

“I don't want to dwell on it, but it's over now and I never have to see him again.”

I nod at him and he smiles back, “And how are you, Harold? Miss me?”

I launch into describing the party, mario kart tournament, yesterday's rehearsals. I leave out my conversations with Zayn, that is a deck conversation. But I do drop the volume of my voice and tell him how cold the bed was without him and how poorly I slept which he agreed to eagerly saying it was the same for him.

In rehearsal Louis was being his normal self, clowning around on our 5 minute breaks keeping people laughing. He still has that new confidence but I figured it isn't a bad thing.

When we got back...

_ “Sorry to cut you off Harry, but this seems important, I don't want to gloss over that trip to your dad's Louis.” _

_ “It was important. Louis came back tough as nails, determined, and confident on the outside but he was also locked up tight, hiding his panic attacks, I didn't see him cry for years after this.” _

_ “I would like to hear about this from you Louis.” _

_... _

_ “Look this is a difficult subject.” _

_ “Thank you Harry, I'm asking Louis though. I appreciate that this is difficult but we have been working on not speaking for each other. Louis?” _

_... _

_ “Boo, don't get upset . You don't have to. Do you want to talk about this now?” _

_ “No.” _

_ “Thank you Louis, we can come back to it another time if you decide you want to. Carry on.” _

_ “I do like talking about this part.” _

_ “Okay Lou, take it away.” _

3

I'm on the balcony and I am exhausted. More tired than I have ever been. I didn't really sleep and I am still in a lot of pain, but I'm not thinking about that. I was traveling early this morning and then rehearsals were very long. But I can't go to bed yet, this will either be the best night of my life or a major disappointment. I have no doubts about taking this risk though, some things need to be said. Everything seems crystal clear right now and I don’t want to wait for things to get muddy again. 

Everything is prepared. When we got back to the house Harry went into the kitchen to have tea with some of the guys and I slipped upstairs, grabbed our stuff and came out to the balcony. I have the blankets in our corner with a little surprise hidden underneath, cigarettes, lighter, and ashtray. But I feel like I need something else. Light! It is always so dark out here and I want to see Harry tonight.

I rush inside and knock on Mary's door, I know she always has candles lit in her room. She says they are therapeutic or something like that.

Mary answers her door already in pajamas and a dressing gown, she looks me over. “You okay love?”

“Yeah, sorry I was just wondering if I could borrow some candles?” I say way too fast trying to get this set up before I run out of time.

“That's fine, what for?” she asks as she walks back into her room gathering a few candles.

“Relaxation?”

“You certainly look like you need it,” she says, eyeing me bouncing anxiously on the balls of my feet and hands over the candles.

“Thank you!” I exclaim, already turning and rushing back down the hall. Out on the balcony I set them around our corner and light them admiring the soft light they emit. Harry should be here any moment so I sit down trying to look casual.

After five unbearable minutes the door finally opens and Harry steps through, at the sight of him my heart beat sounds so loud in my ears I'm worried Harry can hear it. He is holding up the note I left on the bed that says, “see you outside xx”

“C'mere” I say steadily, refusing to show my nerves. I need to be sure and confident for Harry, he needs to know I am certain about the things I am going to say.

Harry practically skips over and drops into my arms and meets my lips in a kiss. We snog for a few minutes before Harry pulls back knowing we can't do too much out here where we could be caught. “Hi,” he says smiling at me.

“Hey! That's my line,” I say taking mock offense.

Harry chuckles, “I like the candles, I can see you.”

“And I can see you, that's the point. Scooch.” I lightly nudge him off my lap so we are sitting facing each other. He looks at me curiously and I decide to start before my nerves start showing. Time to be brave and follow through with the plan I have been formulating since yesterday.

“Okay Hazza, I missed you a lot while I was gone, so I wanted to do something special for you when I got back to make sure you know how wonderful you are and how precious you are to me.” Harry is smiling shyly at me, his green eyes mesmerizing as they reflect the candle light. “So I have three things for you: a question, a statement, and a gift. You can choose what order you get them in.”

He looks down at his hands, I reach forward laying one hand over his and using the other to tilt his chin up so he is looking at me. He was trying to hide his beautiful smile tinged with embarrassment. “Lou. You are too good to me.”

I lean forward and give him a peck on the nose, “There is no such thing as too good for you, love. So what will it be first?”

He looks at me and says hesitantly, “the gift. I like presents.”

“Good choice.” I reach over to where I have hidden the present and pull out the teddy I bought this morning in a gift shop by the train shop. I look down at the gray cat plush with soft fur and the poorly tied ribbon I put around its neck. “This is kind of silly, and it's okay if you don't like it. But I saw this and immediately thought of you, I know you like cats and all, and you miss Dusty.” I hand it over to him.

I see his dimples before I notice the big smile on his face and I know I have done well. He takes the toy and pets it’s head looking at it contemplatively. After a moment he says, “I love him, and I will call him Rusty, like Dusty but different so it's not confusing.”

I am a little shocked by how childish and innocent he seems at this moment. It makes my heart melt and steels my resolve to protect him. I don't want him to ever lose that part of himself. I reach forward and grab Rusty, making him nuzzle into Harry's cheek. “I think he likes you.”

Harry giggles and leans forward giving me a huge hug, “Thank you.” He takes Rusty from my hand, gives him a little squeeze and then settles him on the blanket next to him. He looks back at me expectantly.

“It's your choice darling, question or statement?”

“Statement,” he says with less hesitation this time.

I ground myself by grabbing his hands again, this is where things start to get difficult. I look him straight in the eye schooling all of the nerves out of my face, I need him to know I mean this. “I love you.”

I see shock flash through his eyes and my stomach sinks but then he is kissing me and I am running my hands through his hair and he is whispering my own name in my mouth and I am returning his. We kiss feverishly for a few minutes. I am completely caught up in his heat, smell, touch, and lips. I ignore my painfully hard cock pressing against the zipper of my jeans. Not here, not now.

By the time we have to stop kissing because of lack of oxygen Harry is in my lap straddling me. He looks me straight in the eyes, “I love you too.”

I stroked his cheek with my thumb and lightly pressed one of his dimples, my own face beaming back at him. I'm pretty sure that will make this last bit easier.

“The question?”

I take a deep breath and try to capture this moment in my mind. I don't ever want to forget this, Harry perched comfortably in my lap and smiling at me so lovingly. I want this to be a moment we both remember, a moment that may be a turning point in our lives, a moment that will forever be bathed in candlelight.

“Harry Styles, will you be my boyfriend?” As soon as the words leave my mouth I am inspecting him, looking for his reaction. He doesn’t seem surprised but he looks a little unsure. He swallows and closes his eyes for a moment. I desperately want his answer but I have learned by now not to rush him. 

His eyes snap open and meet mine. He says very clearly in his slow voice, “yes, Louis I would very much like for us to be boyfriends.”

I smile at him, but his face is still very controlled and serious. “Thank you, it is kind of scary isn’t it?” I prod. 

“Yeah, it is. I mean being gay is new to me and having a boyfriend makes it seem so real. I don’t want to care, but I am a little scared of what people will say.” 

“Hey Haz, we don’t have to tell anyone we don’t want to, it is our choice. I just need to be able to love you. I need to be yours and I need you to be mine. Even if we are the only ones who know.” I look at him closely and see he is perking up a little bit but there is one more thing I have to say. “I told you at the Bungalow that I would look out for you, and that will always be true. I swear to you I will do everything in my power to protect you regardless of our relationship status. So if someone wants to give you shit about being who you are or loving who you love I will take care of them. Don’t you worry about that.”

A curly head hits me forcefully in the chest as long arms wrap around me. I fall back a little and then return his hug. “I love you Louis.”

As my nerves are wearing off the soreness of my body is more noticeable. I move us from sitting to lying down, facing each other, holding Harry with his face nuzzled in my neck. “And I love you.”

We lay in comfortable silence for a while. Harry breaks it with a statement that genuinely surprises me, “I think we should tell the boys.” 

This kid. “You’re telling me a few minutes ago you were a nervous wreck about people finding out and now you are ready to tell the band? If that's what you want.” I say with exaggerated shock as I raise my hands in surrender, this gets the giggle out of Harry I was hoping for. 

“Well I think they are already figuring out,” Harry fills me in on his conversations with Zayn. “So I feel like it is better to tell them than have them find out by accident.”

“Okay Hazza, I agree. When?”

“Tonight, if they aren’t already asleep.”

“Always so eager love, sounds good. But let me have a smoke first.” I roll onto my back wincing as pain racks through my body and Harry drapes himself over me, laying his head on my chest as I light up and work my way through a cig. 

“I also want to tell my parents, but not like now I’m not ready yet but I think they should be the next ones to know after the boys.”

“I agree, I want my mum to know eventually.”

After I finish my smoke we gather all of our things and head inside to our room, the lights are on and there are excited voices leaking out from under the door into the hall. Harry and I look at each other and nod, grabbing hands and walking in. Everyone says hi, but us holding hands isn’t anything new so they don’t take note. I toss our things on the top bunk and Harry places Rusty on his pillow. We sit down next to each other on the bed, legs dangling off the end. I reach over and wrap my leg around Harry’s hooking my foot on his calf. Harry reaches for my hand. 

Liam, Niall, and Zayn are chattering about the dancers that will be part of our number this week. We will meet them tomorrow and start rehearsing together. Trying to include us, Liam looks over and says, “Do you think they will be fit, Harry?”

Harry’s little cheeky grin emerges and he says in his deep voice, “Not that important to me.”

Liam is looking at him curiously and Zayn seems to be looking anywhere and everywhere that isn’t us. Niall giggles and says “It’s important to me.” He then shakes his head unable to let it go, “Not important? What are you on about Harry?”

I am preparing myself to step in but Harry starts before I have a chance to speak. In his slow meandering way he simply states, “Well I just care that Louis is really fit.” 

My jaw drops and my eyes go wide, this boy is really keeping me on my toes. I never know what is going to come out of his mouth, this isn’t exactly how I imagined telling the lads. Our bandmates are looking back and forth between us with surprised expressions mirroring my own. 

Harry seems to have run out of shocking things to say so I decide it’s my turn. “So lads, Harry and I are dating,” I say in a high pitched cheerful voice, breaking the tension of the moment. Zayn starts to laugh and pretty soon we are all rolling with laughter. 

“I honestly didn’t see that coming, but I should have,” Liam says once we have stopped.

Niall adds in his own thoughts, “I really had no idea! I mean you two have always been close, but I thought it was like an older and younger brother kind of thing.” His cheeks go red as he sees Harry and I visibly cringe.

Zayn smacks Niall on the back of the head, “Oi, Niall. Stupid thing to say innit?” 

Everyone starts laughing again. Through my own laughter I try to clarify, “Definitely and decidedly not like a brother thing!” Niall is going to pay for that, I have a few new prank ideas and now a perfect target.

Once we have calmed down, the boys adamantly tell us that they don’t mind at all and agree to keep it a secret until we are ready to tell more people. 

As we get in bed that night Harry and I don’t hesitate to share a very chaste goodnight peck on the lips to a chorus of awwwws. We stay up whispering for a while, exhausted but too high on adrenilane to fall asleep, until Zayne shouts at us to shut up. We settle into our normal sleeping position, with one new addition, Rusty wrapped in Harry’s arms. 

The next day I lift a bottle of glitter body spray from one of the girls' bathrooms and Zayne and I spray it all over Niall’s sheets.


	4. End of the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Let’s talk more about “The Contract”. You two speak about it like it is the Devil. Why is that?”
> 
> “That’s easy, it has been used to manipulate us for three years, not just Harry and I, our situation was unique, but it was used against all five of us.”
> 
> “We have constantly been told it is a standard contract and if that is true standards should change.”
> 
> “Can you elaborate?”
> 
> “Yeah, the dickheads had control of every single part of our public lives, we could not control anything. We could only be ourselves behind closed doors.”
> 
> “They influenced who our friends were publicly, our supposed romantic relationships, gave us characteristics to lean into, eventually our social media, how we dressed, and so much more.”
> 
> “How did this affect your relationship?”
> 
> “When they found out about us we were closeted immediately and told if we came out it would be against the contract. They would sue us, ruin our lives, and take everything.” 
> 
> TW: Panic attack, Anxiety

_ “We plunged into the rest of X-Factor with enthusiasm and it was incredible. We had the boys, we had each other, and we had blossoming fame. I was ecstatic jumping off the walls, playing up and acting crazy in interviews and videos.” _

_ “I really really wanted to win and the opportunities and exposure we were getting was just insane. And the fame, so crazy.” _

_ “So how did you adjust to the celebrity life?” _

_ “Well honestly we didn’t really get a chance to adjust we were just plunged into it.” _

_ “We definitely kept each other grounded, we had our little routines and no romantic interest in the girls.” _

_ “Yeah, but the girls have always loved you Haz.” _

_ “I didn’t know it back then, I was still so self- conscious.” _

_ “So there was some uncertainty?” _

_ “Absolutely, we were exhausted and there was so much going on. Harry broke down at least once a week worrying that he was ugly or childish.” _

_ “But you got me through it, always.” _

_ “What about you Louis?” _

_ “I didn’t really get upset but some things bothered me.” _

_ “On some nights Louis would tell me very stoically that he was afraid the band didn’t need him, that he wasn’t good enough.” _

_ “No solos.” _

_ “Yeah sunshine, no solos, it wasn’t right. Louis didn’t have a solo the entire time we were on X-Factor. This was the start of a continuous issue.” _

_ “It’s fine, we made it to the final.” _

_ “But you didn’t win.” _

_ “No we didn’t and for one night we thought it might all be over.” _

1

We are being ushered off the stage, as we make it into though wings I feel a small hand slip into mine squeezing tight. “Hang in there love,” a voice whispers. I take strength from this and refuse to let my tears flow, not yet. 

Louis supported me on stage when the nerves were taking over, checking in with me every few seconds and patting me on the stomach when the anticipation was too much, then we lost. They made us watch a video of our time on the show, it was almost impossible to get through that without really losing it. Lou and Zayn positioned themselves so they could handle the interview questions sparing the rest of us. 

As we enter the green room, Simon huddles us together. I look around at all of the boys. Niall is crying, Liam looks completely hopeless, and Zayn’s face is a stony mask. Louis actually looks okay, sad but okay. He is holding my hand and on his other side he has an arm wrapped around Niall, gently rubbing his back.

Simon looks at all of us, “Well, I’m gutted but I meant it, this isn’t over. I want to see the five of you at my office tomorrow at one, now go get some rest.” 

We all nod, Liam throwing in a quiet, “We’ll be there.”

Then Simon is gone and there is a whirlwind of motion as our families surround us ushering us outside into the cold December night. At some point Louis’ hand is pulled from mine and I end up in my mum’s arms.

She is holding me tightly, “I am so proud of you honey, you have done so good.” 

“Thanks mum.” I step back and we stand awkwardly looking at each other. I just can’t talk about it right now. I don’t even know what to say, disappointed doesn’t even begin to cut it. And I can’t process these feelings right now, not here with all the paps and fans around.

“Rob and Lilly really wanted to be here but they are watching from home.” 

I nod in response and then look around. I see Louis and his mum, Diane making the rounds talking to all the boys and their family and I decide to follow suit and get this out of the way so we can go to the hotel. 

We all agree to meet for lunch tomorrow before the meeting and then everyone starts to peel away. Our stuff from the X-Factor house was given to our parents earlier today. Everyone is just going to various hotel rooms their families have rented. My mum and Louis’ mum have really hit it off and they agreed to get adjoining hotel rooms. Thank god I don’t have to deal with separating from Louis right now. 

Diane wanders over to me and my Mum, I see Lou is talking to a few fans, I don’t know how he is doing it, I am barely holding myself together. I have such an empty feeling inside and I am so devastated, I truly thought this was going to happen for us. I thought my dream was about to come true. I feel tears start to form in my eyes and I look down pinching my nose and trying to subtly plug my tears before they fall. 

There are warm arms around my waist leading me away. “Lets go,” Louis’ voice rings out. Then his soft whisper in my ear, “I love you. Hang in there just a little longer for me.” 

I nod, with Louis supporting me I can hold it together, I think. “Just don’t let go of me,” I plead. 

“Never.”

We make it to the hotel, which is just down the street and shuffle into our rooms. Lou holds tight to me the whole way. The door adjoining the rooms is already open and our suitcases are here. 

“Are you hungry boys?” mum asks.

“No,” I answer. I just want to be alone with Louis, I want to go to bed. But I know that can’t happen. We are sharing rooms with our mums. 

“Wrong answer, you need to eat.” mum says. 

“I brought sandwiches and crisps,” Diane adds walking to the mini fridge. 

“Try to eat just a little,” Louis says rubbing circles in my back with the palm of his hand. He has sat me down in a chair at the small table and is standing behind me. 

Diane comes back to the table and sits down next to my mum and starts passing out food. “Sit down Lou, stay a while,” she says glancing at her son. Louis moves to the seat next to me trailing his hand to my shoulder and then moving it to my knee under the table once he is seated. The meal is awkward. Mum and Diane chatter trying to cheer us up, which I honestly appreciate. Listening to them talk about the trip here and their day in London is keeping my mind off of the storm of grief building in my chest. I manage to eat half of my sandwich at my mom and Lou’s insistence. 

Once everyone has eaten Louis announces that we should all go to bed. Mum and I get up and go into our room closing the adjoining door. But pretty soon the door is open again, Lou and I wandering between the rooms locating toothbrushes, clothes, and toiletries in each other's bags. Our stuff is hopelessly mixed up and I can hear our mums laughing at the mess. 

Eventually, I am laying in my bed in a daze and my mum is getting into hers. I am starting to panic. I am about to break down, I feel it coming on and I don’t want to do it alone. I look up and Louis is walking back into our room. He kneels by my bed and hands me Rusty who we shoved in his book bag this morning, “Here you go,” he says for mum’s benefit and then whispers so quietly I can barely hear him, “I’ll be back.” He leaves the room but leaves the door open just a crack. 

“What’s that?” my mum asks from her bed. I hold up Rusty so she can see. She looks at him a little curiously, I haven’t slept with a teddy since primary school.

“Louis gave him to me a while ago because I missed Dusty,” I mumble. I don’t have the energy to lie and it sounds innocent enough, maybe a bit strange but whatever.

“Cute. Good night.” She turns the lamp off and we are bathed in darkness. 

I have no idea how long I lay there, holding on waiting for my Lou. I don’t want to go through this alone. I have come to depend on his soothing words when I get upset. My mum started snoring a while ago and I am getting frustrated. What is taking so long?

I am starting to give up hope when I feel the bed dip down behind me and then I am surrounded by Louis. “My mum takes forever to fall asleep,” He whispers. 

I turn to face him and one look at him is all it takes, we are finally alone (kind of) and he is here to help me through it so I finally let myself go. I bury my head in his chest as the tears start to flow fast. My face is a mess of snot and tears and Lou’s t-shirt is absorbing it all. 

He is stroking my hair and softly talking somehow knowing exactly what I need to hear, “It’s awful isn’t it? You get to be upset about this. Let it out beautiful. I’m so proud of you, you did so well tonight. Your singing was incredible and you are so strong. You are so perfect. My Hazza. I love you.” He just keeps talking, showering me in praise and support, letting me cry it out, arms squeezing me tight. 

I am crying so hard now, but instead of breaking into a sob, my breathing is getting shallow, each desperate inhale less productive than the last. This is somehow happening quietly, too quiet. Louis picks up on the shift immediately. He moves me back a little looking at my face. 

“Okay baby, try to calm down. I need you to try to settle.” 

I feel my airways constricting and I can’t get a full breath. I can’t breath. My crying is no longer about tonight, now my tears are flowing from fear. 

“Fuck.” Louis says under his breath as he jumps up and grabs my backpack and places it in front of me. “Where is it, show me where it is?” He is stroking my hair speaking in a calm hushed voice. At first I don’t respond, I just need to breathe, I can’t answer questions. But he is insistent, “You have to answer me, just show me where it is.” I manage to point at the side pocket, as my hand moves in front of my face I can see that it is shaking violently. Louis quickly unzips the pocket and then he is pressing my inhaler into my quaking hand. I bring it up to my lips and inhale. I take two puffs in a row and then let my body relax, feeling my airways open up, I focus on calming my breath and filling my lungs. 

Louis sets my bag on the ground and climbs back into the bed. “God Haz, you okay?”

“Fine now. Thank you for helping.” Louis pulls me in close, I can hear his heart pounding in his chest. “It's okay Boo, I’m okay. Happens all the time.” This isn’t the first time he has seen me have an asthma attack but it is definitely the worst.

“I know but I still hate it.” He strokes my hair clutching me a little too tight. I just wait and don’t say anything. He would never admit it, but this is how he is calming himself down, he needs to hold me. Sometimes I feel him jolt awake in the night breathing heavy, waking from a nightmare, he always clings to me so tight for a while after. Sometimes he falls back to sleep and sometimes he gets up and comes back a little later. I haven’t said anything. If he wanted to talk about it he would and I’m pretty sure I know what those bad dreams are about. I would never press him on that.

I glance over and am relieved to see that none of this commotion woke my mum, she must be exhausted, it has been a long day for her too. 

As Louis starts to loosen his arms and settle us into a more comfortable position I tell him, “I actually feel a bit better now.”

“I’m glad. Want to talk about it?”

“I don’t really know what to say. I am just really disappointed, I had pictured this whole crazy life in front of us and now that has been taken away.”

Louis takes a moment to think about what I said before responding, humming quietly. “Well let's put together a new plan, find something to be excited about. We know the boys want to stay together so we can still chase this dream, the path just may be a little less direct.”

“I know, it just feels so big and overwhelming, I don’t even know where to start.”

“Well Simon is meeting with us tomorrow, we will ask for some advice.” I nod my head against his chest. This is one of the many things I love about my boy. He is silly and hyper but he is also very logical, good at making plans and finding solutions. Louis keeps talking, “But let's come up with something certain, tell me one thing that is really bothering you and let's fix it.”

There are so many things I am worried about but they all stem from one thing, “Holmes Chapel and Doncaster are really far apart.” A tear slides down my cheek in anticipation of the lonely nights to come. 

Louis wipes my tears, “Don’t cry my love, I can fix it.”

“No you can’t, you’re good but you can’t fix this..”

“Oh Haz, I can and I will. I love you so much, I would never leave you alone three hours away from me long term.. You're my home, remember?” 

I am starting to feel frustrated, he is making it sound like we have any control over where our families live. It’s not like he can change the geography of the country. Before I can say something he speaks again.

“So I figure we probably want to be in London, unless you disagree? I mean if we are trying to make it in the music industry that’s where we need to be. If we get jobs we could probably swing a small flat out of town…”

“You mean like you and I, move to London, like together, like live together?”

Lou’s face drops, “Well only if you want to, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to assume…”

“No, I want to, I really want to. I was just surprised, I guess I hadn’t even really considered it a possibility.”

His smile returns, “You’re serious? You want to?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I promise you,” he tries to meet my eyes, “Look at me,” he commands gently. Our eyes lock, “I promise you that no matter what happens we will be living together by Spring.”

I lean forward and lock my lips with him as tears, joyful tears this time, run down my face. This is incredible, he is incredible. Oh shit, but I’ll only be 17, my parents… I break the kiss off.

“Louis, I want this so bad, but my mum and Rob, I don’t know if they will let me.”

Louis shrugs and cracks a cocky smile. “Yeah they will, I’ll convince them.” I actually don’t doubt him at all, Lou is so confident and charming. He can probably do it. 

Once I smile again he leans forward and pecks me on the nose, “there’s my boy. Ready to go to sleep?”

“Yeah. I’m tired.” I dig Rusty out of the tangle of sheets and gladly meld my body with Lou’s. “Louis, will you sing?”

“Of course.” I fall asleep to the sound of Lou's sweet voice almost silently singing  _ Torn _ as I let myself imagine us having a flat of our own. No sneaking around, our own space

2 

“Louis!” Someone is shouting my name, who is shouting? “Louis!” Sounds an awful lot like my mum, maybe it’s Mary, but why would she be shouting for me?

“Louis! Where is he!?” My eyes snap open and realization floods in, I am not in the X-Factor house, and Harry is sleeping in my arms, and our mums are here! Several things happen at once. I sit straight up in bed and put distance between me and Harry, Lisa turns on the light, and the adjoining door crashes open as my mum runs in. 

Everyone freezes for a moment, mum and Lisa are staring at me in Harry’s bed and my curly boy is somehow still asleep. I’m racking my brain for an explanation. How did I not think about this last night? I was so focused on getting to Harry, I didn’t even think about getting back. 

“Louis Tomlinson! What are you doing?!” My mom sounds so angry, probably because I scared her. 

This finally wakes Harry, he starts stirring, “Waz going on? Lou?” Harry has rolled over on his back, sleepy green eyes staring up at me, Rusty still clutched in his arms. He is so beautiful bare chested and rumpled.

Shit, shit, shit. I really need to focus and come up with something before Harry starts talking, he is the worst liar I have ever met. 

It hits me. It has been years, but with all the stress lately it might be convincing. I just need to play this right and hope to god Harry goes along with it. I bring the heel of my hand up to my face rubbing my eyes, trying to channel a little bit of pitifulness. In a small voice I ask, “Where am I? What’s going on?”

Mum is now crossing over to me, she sits on the edge of the bed and places a hand on my back. “We are in the hotel Louis. You fell asleep in our room, how did you get in here?”

It is definitely working. “Don’t remember... I’m tired.” 

My mum glances over at Lisa. “I’m so sorry, he hasn’t done this in years, but sometimes he sleepwalks. Used to wake up with a confused little Lou in my bed at least once a week until he was like Harry’s age.” I glance over at Harry and see a small smirk on his face when she says this.

“That’s okay,” Lisa says, “ He isn’t bothering anyone, isn’t that right Harry?”

“Yeah it’s fine,” Harry says, still very sleepy. “What time is it? Can I sleep more?”

“It’s only seven, you can sleep a few more hours.”

Seeing an opportunity, I glance up at my mom with sad puppy dog eyes continuing to play up the confusion, “So tired.”

“Oh just let them sleep, they seem fine,” Lisa says. 

“Okay, go back to sleep sweetheart,” my mom says running a hand through my hair as I lay back down. “Want a cup of tea Lisa? We could put the telly on in my room.”

“Sounds great.” I hold my eyes tightly closed until I hear the door click closed. I tentatively open them checking to make sure they are gone. Then I roll over to face Harry and see him staring at me, as soon as our eyes meet we both burst out laughing, smothering our faces in the pillows to stifle the noise. 

When we are capable of speaking and the tv has turned on in the other room, Harry turns to me and in a baby voice says, “Poor little lou, so confused, accidentally got in my bed instead of mummy’s?” 

I jump on top of him, pinning him down on his back as I straddle him. Harry looks at me with wide eyes as I say, “You’re gonna pay for that.” I dig my fingers into his soft belly and start tickling him, he is squirming underneath me simultaneously trying to not laugh out loud and buck me off of him. I lower my hips and plop my weight down on him to keep him still. 

We both freeze, there is something poking my bum. Harry goes red and starts to open his mouth to speak. But before he can even start apologizing I pull my t-shirt off and start kissing his neck as I am getting hard myself. He lets out a little moan and I drag my tongue up his neck stopping frequently to plant a kiss or nip at the soft skin making my way to his ear. When I reach my destination, I whisper, “need something love?”

“You,” he responds eagerly. I plant my lips on his and start kissing him slowly taking my time as I start sliding one of my hands between us and down his chest. He is starting to make whimpering noises.

“What’s wrong baby?” I whisper, just a few centimeters of space between our mouths. 

“Hurry up,” he says in a husky desperate voice. 

“What’s the magic word.”

“Pleaase,” he moans. That wrecks me, precum leaking in my boxers, I plunge my hand into his pants and come out with his dick clutched firmly in my hand. I run my thumb over the head spreading precum around using it to slick him up a little. Harry is bucking his hips trying to get some friction. One look at his blown out eyes and I am ready to do anything for him. I start stroking him quickly with light pressure. 

“Harder, please Louis, please” he pleads quietly, trying so hard not to make too much noise. A quiet groan slips out of me at the sound of him begging. I tighten my grips and lengthen my strokes just the way he likes. At this he really starts to come apart, his eyes slip shut and he starts moaning, too loud this time. I move my free hand to cover his mouth. His eyes snap open and he sucks two of my fingers into his mouth instead. Biting down on them and sucking instead of moaning, staring at me, pupils the size of saucers. 

“So beautiful, Harold.” Fuck. I’m so hard it hurts but it doesn’t matter right now. I want to make him come, make him feel good. I feel his legs start shaking between my thighs and I know he is almost there. “That’s it baby, let it go for me.” After a couple more strokes he is shooting off coating my hand and his stomach in white streaks. “So much Haz, you really needed that,” I mumble in his ear as I take my fingers out of his mouth. 

I am used to him needing time to recover after an orgasm but this morning he immediately pounces on me, turning us over so he is on top. He is hungrily kissing my lips and already has my cock out, in his hand. He doesn’t mess around with teasing at all, just starts roughly jerking me off and god it feels so good. I’m afraid I won't last very long like this considering how aroused I already was. 

He insures that I won’t when he pulls away from my lips and starts whispering in my ear. Of course he knows exactly what to say, “Took such good care of me, Boo. You made me feel so good.” I bite down hard on my lip so I don't moan as I crash over the edge with little warning. My eyes slip closed and my back arches as a wave of pure hot pleasure sweeps through my body. 

I am completely blissed out, I just reach up and pull Harry down on top of me. His head settles on my chest, both of us breathing heavy. I still feel so incredible and Harry feels so soft and warm laying on top of me. I can’t believe this boy is mine, I love him so much. 

“If it’s this good when we have to be quiet, think of how good it will be in our own flat.” I mumble. Harry hums in agreement and then gets up and wanders into the bathroom returning with toilet tissue and starts cleaning me off. Normally I would do this part but I am so wrecked I don’t mind letting him.

When we are both clean he climbs back into bed and cuddles into my side. We pass the rest of the morning making plans for our flat and brainstorming next steps for the band. 

_ “We were dreaming up a simpler life for ourselves. A small flat, supermarket jobs, maybe a cat, and a lot of love. I still like that dream. I can’t help but wonder what it would have been like if we refused to sign the contract and lived that life instead. Would we have been better off? Could I have protected you better, Harry?”  _

_ “You have always protected me.” _

_ “Clearly I haven’t, look where we ended up.” _

_ “This wasn’t your fault Boo, you didn’t do this.” _

_ “But maybe if I had paid more attention, or made different choices, or…. There had to be something I could have done to prevent this.” _

_ “Louis, do you think it is fair to blame yourself for other people’s choices?” _

_ “I don’t know.” _

_ “Well by that logic maybe there was something I could have done to prevent it.” _

_ “Of course there wasn’t Haz, none of this was your fault, baby.” _

_ … _

_ … _

_ “Okay, yeah, I guess I see what you mean.” _

_ “Very good Louis. What if you try treating yourself the same way you treat Harry? … It seems funny and impossible now but I think one day you will get there. So you mentioned the contract, when did that happen?” _

_ “That day.” _

3

At lunch with the band the lads shared a table and the parents shared one next to us. Our table was almost silent, no one really knew what to say. The sadness of the other boys has rubbed off on me and I am feeling down again, not as bad as last night but still bad. Louis attempts conversation periodically, it seems to be mostly annoying the others. He does eventually get a hesitant laugh out of everyone when he teases me for telling Matt last night that he will get so much pussy. 

It is almost imperceptible that Lou is actually upset but I can notice. He is less quick to crack smiles like it is taking a lot of energy to summon them and they are less bright, more like the moon on a cloudy night than the summer sun. As we are all congregating outside before we head to the meeting Louis steps away from the group and lights up a cigarette, something he has been doing a lot more lately.

Within seconds Diane storms over to him clearly not afraid of making a scene as she yanks it from his hand and stomps it on the ground, it is quite easy to see where Louis’ uninhibited personality comes from. 

“Louis William Tomlinson when did it become acceptable to smoke whenever you want?” The other parents quickly strike up a conversation trying to give them privacy. Liam attempts to start a conversation with us but it quickly falters and we all just stare at our shoes, except Niall who openly stares as the argument unfolds. 

“Just needed one, it’s fine,” He responds, matching his mum’s volume. Never the one to back down, he lights another cigarette, a clear challenge.

“Needed one? Since when do you NEED a cigarette? I thought it was just a social thing. I never thought I would see the day my son would skulk off to smoke alone.”

“If I’m old enough to buy them, I’m old enough to smoke them when I want!”

“Oh so you spend a few months out of the house, and now you think you’re all grown?”

“Mum, drop it,” Louis lowers his voice but sharpens his tone, still loud enough everyone is painfully aware of the conversation. I am genuinely shocked at the lack of embarrassment from both of them. Is this normal?

Louis’ mum also lowers her voice entering into her own frightening rage. “Drop it, you want me to drop it? Just like you wanted me to drop your little disappearing act? You can’t hang the phone up on me this time.”

“Mum, seriously that was weeks ago.”

“Doesn’t matter, your dad calls and tells me you left his place and you didn’t show up at X-Factor until almost 24 hours later, not answering phone calls or texts. What the hell happened to you? And now you are smoking pretending like it's normal?”

Louis disappeared coming back from his dads? This is the first time I’m hearing about it. My head snaps up and I look over and see Louis glance at me and then back at his mum. 

“Mum, please, can we not do this right now?” My heart aches as I see Louis crack, it’s subtle but so clear to me. As he speaks his voice almost breaks and a look of genuine pain comes over his face, he tries to conceal it again, but it’s a farce. 

Clearly Diane sees it too because she immediately hugs him and says, “It doesn’t matter how old you get little Lou, I will always worry about you. And I’m worried now. You seem closed off, it’s okay to be upset, just tell the truth. Are you okay?”

Louis hugs her back, “I know mum, I’m really okay. I just got tougher. I love you.”

“I love you too, son.”

“Now if you don’t mind releasing me, I need a wee.” They both start laughing and let go. And just like that the argument is over. 

Louis bends over putting his cigarette out on the concrete, I am trying to make eye contact but he won't look at me. As he turns to go back into the restaurant, I get a brief glimpse of his mask dropping, fear rearranges the features on his face. It’s the same look he had that night at the house when I found him so upset and having a panic attack. 

I desperately want to follow him but at that moment my mom pulls me into the adult conversation telling a story about the first choir performance I had as a kid. Diane rejoins mumbling something about teenage boys to the agreement of all the parents.

After a while everyone is ready to leave but Louis isn’t back yet. I volunteer to go in and look for him. I enter the men’s room and hear the sound of retching. I am frozen and not sure what to do. I can hear someone presumably, Lou, emptying their stomach into the toilet, gasping desperately for air in between gags. I decide to just wait until he stops. Louis hates looking weak and I don’t think he would want me to see him throwing up. 

After a minute passes the gagging stops and the toilet flushes but the desperate gasps continue, stopping after another minute. I decide it’s safe to speak now, “Louis, is that you?”

“Umm, yeah.” His voice sounds a little weak. 

“Are you okay Boo Bear?” The door to the stall opens and Louis steps out tentatively. He does not look okay, he looks like he might fall over, color draining from his face. Instinctively I rush to him and wrap an arm around his waist supporting his weight. “Woah, don’t faint love.”

Slowly the color returns to his face, “Sorry stood up too fast, got a little dizzy.”

I walk him over to the sink and hand him a paper towel. He washes his hands, flushes out his mouth and then wets the towel and uses it to wipe down his face. When he is cleaned up and looking mostly normal he turns to me and says, “how long were you in here?”

“Just a few minutes, I heard you being sick, are you okay?”

“Yeah I think it's just the nerves from the past few days, my lunch didn’t sit well.”

“It has nothing to do with that stuff outside?” I ask shyly, I don’t want to push him too much but I am not sure he is telling the truth. 

“Oh that?” He says so casually, “that was nothing, mum and I are really close but she is just as stubborn as I am, we row a lot.”

“Okay, if you say so. What was that stuff about you disappearing?”

“Oh that just had to do with when I was at my dad’s house. It’s in the past, over now. I don’t really want to talk about it, is that okay?” He pleads, looking uncharacteristically small and lost.

“Of course that’s okay.” I wrap him in a tight hug, “ I love you.”

“I love you too, I would kiss you but you know….” He pulls back and gestures to the stall he was vomiting in. 

“Do you need to go back to the hotel? I’m sure Simon would understand.”

“No. No. No. I don’t want anyone to know, can we not tell? I really feel better now and they will just worry.” 

I nod in agreement enjoying the way he lights up when I do. Now he looks like himself. I would happily stand here all day with him in my arms but we are on a schedule, “We better go, everyone is waiting.”

When we step back outside the boys and parents all turn to look at us. 

“About time, if we don’t hurry we will be late,” Liam says. 

My mum chimes in, “You okay Louis, you were in there a while?”

I can see a blush rising on Louis' cheeks. I flash mum a glare and then try to cover for him. “Oh he’s fine. I found him chatting up a waiter… waitress?”

I start to panic. I shouldn’t try to lie, I kind of messed that up but then Niall, Liam , and Zayn bust into laughter. The most genuine laughter of the day, laughing at my slip up but the parents don’t know that and join in. Pretty soon Louis and I are laughing too. 

As we walk to the Syco building the mood is a lot lighter and Louis entertains everyone with a completely fake story about flirting with some waitress. I start to get jealous even though I know it’s literally something I made up but then he describes this ‘waitress’ as having curly hair and green eyes as he slings an arm around my shoulders. Receiving another round of hysterical laughter from the boys which thoroughly confuses our parents, who accuse us all of being too hyper. 

We continue to be rambunctious all the way there and allow ourselves to start planning next steps for the band. It really does seem like everything's looking up, all five of us are committed to continue this journey. Somehow an awkward public argument between Louis and his mom broke the tension. It allowed us all to acknowledge not just the loss we are dealing with but also the changes we have gone through. 

When we reach the office we are ushered into a large conference room, the band is all seated around the table and our parents are given chairs against the wall, several receptionists are rushing around getting water, teas, and coffees for everyone. Once we all have a drink they disappear and we are left alone. The table is relatively small and circular with just two unfilled seats. We arranged ourselves in a relatively normal order, Louis in the middle flanked by the two youngest, me and Niall, Zayn and Liam on the outsides. Today Liam is next to me. 

Simon enters with another man I don’t recognize a few minutes later. They take the empty seats between Zayn and Liam. Simon nods an acknowledgement to our parents but then focuses his attention on us.

“Well boys, you lost last night but if we make the right choices today you will discover that it doesn’t actually matter, I want to sign you anyway. I will get straight to the point, I am offering exactly what you would have won, a one million pound record deal.” Simon says all of this matter of factly and then looks at us expectantly. As I look around the room I see that all of the boys are struggling to comprehend this. I am completely in shock, spiraling, I had just got comfortable with this new plan, but now the old plan is back, and I don’t know what to think, I can’t process this. I drop my eyes down staring at the table, I feel tears welling up in my eyes, out of excitement or confusion or frustration, I can’t even say. 

The other boys have started making noises, speaking? I’m not sure what they are saying, a small hand rests on my knee and gives me a reassuring squeeze. I look up to find Louis waiting for me, I lock eyes with him and he flashes the biggest smile radiating warmth that fills me up and now I’m smiling and laughing. And crying now, crying from joy and so is Liam as he pulls me into a hug. 

“Is this a yes boys?” We all start nodding our heads and then everyone stands up and starts hugging and smiling and offering congratulations. I can barely keep track of who is hugging me. My mom gets a hold of me at one point and tells me how proud she is. I know I get a hug from Simon as well and Diane, all of the parents, and the boys. But the last arms I fall into are Louis’ and he whispers in my ear, “I told you you would be famous love,” as he wipes the last tears from my cheeks with the sleeve of his jumper. 

We all make our way back to our seats and get down to business. I guess we have contracts to sign and a long day ahead of us. A lot of it goes over my head but I think I am getting the gist of things. 

We start by talking about the money and a first album and maybe a second. Our own album. We all sign for this part of the deal which makes Syco our label through sometime in 2013. The next conversation is about our schedule. We are meant to be part of the X-Factor tour which we were already aware of. It starts rehearsing January 10th in Surrey and Simon wants us in London the week before to start working on band stuff. After the tour he needs us all in London to start recording. 

This brings a lot of questions from the parents, none of us live near London. 

“Well we will arrange flats for the boys paid for with money they are making,” Simon says. “We actually already have a few places in mind. Each boy will have their own flat of course but we would like for them to be in the same building or complex.” 

The parents begin asking how this would work, receiving assurances from Simon that the buildings would be safe and we would have transportation for band related activities. 

There is a general mummer of agreement from most everyone, I reach under the table and tightly squeeze Louis’ thigh. He leans over and whispers, “You still want this, as in us?” I nod. 

Louis clears his throat and speaks addressing Simon, his mum, my mum, the whole room, it's rather unclear but he is loud and confident. “I really don’t fancy living alone and I don’t think Harry does either, we would like to be roommates.” I nod and mumble agreements. When he is finished speaking he gives the other lads a quick stern look, telling them not to do anything to give us away. 

“If that is what you two want I don’t see why that would be a problem.” Simon says.

I am turning to look at my mum hoping she will agree. My worries disappear as she lets out a relieved sigh and says, “I am so much more comfortable with that,” giving Louis an appreciative nod. He makes eye contact with her and I can see something pass between them, then he smiles and gives her a nod in return. There he goes already building trust with my mum in spite of her witnessing him sassing his own mum a few hours ago. My Lou never stops amazing me. 

It is getting late in the afternoon so we all take a break and refresh our drinks. As soon as we are released Louis stands up, squeezes my shoulder and then makes a b-line for my mum. He sits in the chair next to her that his own mum has just vacated. They lean into each other and start having a quiet conversation. I really want to know what they are talking about but it is clear that I am not invited so instead I strike up a conversation with Zayn and his mum who is a very nice woman it turns out. I am so caught up in learning about their family that I almost miss Louis slipping out of the room. 

“Excuse me, I’m gonna go to the loo before we start again.” When I step out Louis is waiting for me. 

“Restroom?” I nod, the hall is empty and the loos are at the end. “We did it Haz.”

I look at him and he looks at me and we smile, we just keep smiling. “We got everything, Lou, it doesn’t even feel real. We are getting signed and we are getting our place in London. I am the luckiest person in the world.” We stop walking and fall into an embrace. Considering the events of today it wouldn’t be that weird if someone saw us but still we don’t hug for too long. 

Louis looks at me and says quietly, “No Haz, I’m the luckiest because I’ve got you.”

I blush and then someone walks out of the bathroom interrupting us. Forcing us to keep walking. Once we make it back into the conference room the other man at the table is finally introduced as the owner of Modest! Management. Simon carefully explains the importance of a management company and we are handed the thickest contracts we have seen all day. 

The man introduced as Harry (another Harry, how fun) starts to walk us through the items on the papers. There is so much and he is moving quickly and we are excited we don’t really think hard about what we are signing. They make all of the stipulations seem standard, and maybe it is. It didn’t cross anyone’s mind what all we were giving up. 

We finish after dark and Simon releases us saying he will see us after the holidays. Everyone congregates in a nearby McDonalds for dinner and celebration. By the time we make it back to our hotel room our mums are exhausted but Louis and I are radiating excited energy. It is decided that the mums will take one of the rooms and Louis and I can take the other so we can stay up as late as we want. It was a really good night.

_ “Let’s talk more about “The Contract”. You two speak about it like it is the Devil. Why is that?” _

_ “That’s easy, it has been used to manipulate us for three years, not just Harry and I, our situation was unique, but it was used against all five of us.” _

_ “We have constantly been told it is a standard contract and if that is true standards should change.” _

_ “Can you elaborate?” _

_ “Yeah, the dickheads had control of every single part of our public lives, we could not control anything. We could only be ourselves behind closed doors.” _

_ “They influenced who our friends were publicly, our supposed romantic relationships, gave us characteristics to lean into, eventually our social media, how we dressed, and so much more.” _

_ “How did this affect your relationship?” _

_ “When they found out about us we were closeted immediately and told if we came out it would be against the contract. They would sue us, ruin our lives, and take everything.”  _

_ “We were allowed to act like a couple at home and around the band if only our team was present. And we have historically been terrible at not acting like a couple, so we were basically in trouble all the time. Couldn’t do anything right.” _

_ “And they were awful to Harry and the other lads. Pushed to exhaustion, disregard for their health, criticizing every choice they made. It drove me crazy.” _

_ “Sunshine, if they were awful to us, they were absolutely loathsome to you.” _

_ “It’s fine, it’s because I was at constant war with them trying to get them off your backs.” _

_ “Yeah, and they hated you, especially Jim. The things he did and said to you were inexcusable. He belittled you all the time, he was too rough with you grabbing you and stuff, and you took the brunt of the homophobia, he led the whole team in blaming you for my sexuality. And my health? Let's talk about your health, anxiety, panic attacks, those pills they got you to take?” _

_ “Is this true Louis?” _

_ …. _

_ “Louis?” _

_ “Yes it’s true! Okay!? It is mostly my fault I was difficult every step of the way.” _

_ “It’s not your fault Lou, it’s never been your fault. That’s what they wanted you to think.” _

_ “I’m inclined to agree with Harry. Standing up for your boyfriend and mates is a good thing, it does not mean you deserve to be mistreated.”  _

_ “It wasn’t so bad at first it just kept getting worse and worse and everything got so out of control, eventually it all culminated in the mess we're in now.”  _

_ “Well, let’s move on for now, what happened after this?” _

_ “It was actually great. We had the best time until about September of 2011. There were a few tough things but mostly it was incredible” _

_ “Lou is right, honestly that time built the foundation of our relationship. Solidified the life we would always be fighting for afterwards.” _

_ “It all started with coming out to our families, honestly still one of the best days of my life.” _


	5. Kiss You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I am excited but I am also getting nervous. Harry and I have been talking about this evening for a while. We are like 90% sure we are going to come out to our families, we wanted to do it with them together and we leave in a week so now is the perfect and probably only opportunity for a while.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is shorter and basically just fluff, enjoy!
> 
> TW: mentions of panic attacks, drug use (weed)

1

“Muuuuum!”

“What is it Louis? I’ve got my hands full!”

Following my mum’s shouts I find her in the kitchen, simultaneously chopping carrots and cooking something on the stove. “What do you want the twins to wear today?” 

“How about those matching green dresses?”

“Sounds good, I think they have hair ribbons that match.”

“While you're at it will you make sure Marie and Katie have put on something decent and tackle their hair too?”

“Sure mum, no problem.”

“And then get yourself dressed in something decent!” she shouts at my back as I head up the stairs.

Today is a bit chaotic but not much more than usual. It is Boxing Day and my mum and Lisa decided to get the families together with a lot of encouragement from Harry and I. So they will be here this afternoon and it's already 11, no one is dressed, mum is still cooking, and the guest room needs to be cleaned up. 

After climbing the stairs I make my way down the hall stopping to knock on Marie and Katie’s door, I can hear them talking inside, probably about boys. That is all they talk about these days. Sure enough they shriek when they hear me knock. As I open the door, Marie shouts, “Don’t listen in, Louis!” They are both in their christmas nightgowns sprawled on one of the beds looking at Marie’s phone. 

“I’m not listening in, but you better not be texting any boys! Boys that try to come round here will have to get through me.”

“You won’t be here, you’re moving,” Katie snaps back. That guts me for a second, Katie in all her nine your old wisdom knows just how to cut me to the bone. 

“Well it doesn't matter. M, your 10. You don’t have any business with boys. But that is not why I’m here. Get your lazy bums out of bed and get dressed in something nice we have guests coming.”

They break out in excited giggles at this. They think Harry is so cute, won’t shut up about it, which is really awkward considering he is my boyfriend, but they don’t know that… yet. The girls mob him every time he is over here, which is admittedly a lot. We have been back and forth to each other's places multiple times in the past few weeks. 

“Calm down, get dressed, then come to the twins room if you want your hair done.” I walk out leaving them to it.

Approaching Elizabeth and Victoria’s room I hear an argument that is well on it’s way to one or both of them throwing a tantrum. I walk in to find them facing off on the floor covered in toys, both of them holding a Barbie doll. Both dolls are exactly the same (we have to have two of everything or else they fight and yet they still fight). Illogically Vic is shouting, “That one is mine!”

“No it’s mine!” Liz screams back. 

“Chill out there ladies, give me the dolls.”

“But this one is mine!”

“Let me see them.”

“You’ll mix them up!”

“No I won’t now hand them over.” They stare at me stubbornly, every single one of the Tomlinson kids is bullheaded. “I will take them off of you for the rest of the week if you don’t.” This seems to work and they reluctantly pass me the dolls. 

What they don’t realize is that when they opened these from under the tree yesterday I marked them. A small ‘L’ on the foot of one and a ‘V’ on the foot of the other. I flip them upside down and crouch to show them the letters. “See, they have your initials on them, so you know the difference.”

They both smile at me, the storm has passed as they claim their own, proper doll. “We are getting dressed now girls,” I say as I open their cluttered wardrobe locating the green dresses, which takes way too long, it’s a disaster in this room. Finally, I find them and help the girls change. By the time we are done Katie and Marie have joined us bringing hairbrushes and a bag stuffed with hair accessories. 

Luckily all four of these girls love having their hair done, no fussing over brushing or anything like that. I start with the twins giving them single french braids hanging long down their backs fastened off with pretty green ribbons that match their dresses. Katie wants her hair half up, so I give her a half pony and then dig through the accessories looking for something to match her purple top, I decide on a sparkly barrette and fasten it over the elastic. Marie’s hair is very thin so she doesn’t like braids or ponytails so instead I part it to the side and do a twist in the front to keep it out of her eyes.

Once I’m done I look at all four of the girls and feel my heart crack a little, I’ve already been away so much and now I am going to be gone much longer. “I have the most beautiful sisters in the world,” I tell them. They all tackle me and we end up in a big hug, all five of us. 

“Okay, okay enough of this. Clean your rooms, they should be here in a few hours,” I say before I get too emotional. I move one door further down the hall, the guest room. I change the sheets, dust the furniture, and tidy the toys that somehow made it in here, trying to make it look more inviting. Then I drag in the old camp bed and set it up with sheets and blankets. Since it is basically a three hour journey they are staying over. Harry’s parents and sister are going to sleep in here and Harry will bunk with me like normal. 

Finally, I make it to my room at the end of the hall. Admittedly it is also a mess, maybe even worse than the girls’ rooms but mum decided I was a lost cause years ago. I make an attempt to pick up a little, throwing my dirty clothes in the hamper and putting away clean clothes. But it's the smallest room in the house so it is basically impossible for it to not seem cluttered. Harry doesn’t mind so whatever. He has no delusion that I am a tidy person. 

I dig out a nice knit jumper and some dark wash jeans to change into and then tackle my own hair in the mirror on my wardrobe, armed with hair gel. When I am satisfied with it I decide to change the sheets on my bed as well since Haz will be sleeping with me tonight. I am excited but I am also getting nervous. Harry and I have been talking about this evening for a while. We are like 90% sure we are going to come out to our families, we wanted to do it with them together and we leave in a week so now is the perfect and probably only opportunity for a while. 

I think mum will be okay with it but it’s still scary. A lot of things feel scary these days. Everything is changing but I have to be tough. I think I am doing a good job of it. I am tough, a lot tougher than I used to be, at least when I’m awake. I have been having worse nightmares, like terrible nightmares ever since I got back from my dads. About once a week I wake up in a full panic. Last night was one of those nights but something new happened. I was so scared and I couldn’t calm down and I ended up being sick. I had to bolt to the bathroom and barely made it in time before I was throwing up my Christmas dinner. This also happened at that restaurant before our meeting with Simon. I’m really embarrassed. It's ridiculous, I get so scared and worked up that I get sick. I have to get myself under control.

I wander downstairs having nothing left to do upstairs and take a seat on a barstool watching my mum cook.

“Need any help?”

“From you? No.”

I am a disaster in the kitchen. “You gonna be okay mum?”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m just thinking about how much I’m gonna be gone and then I won’t really come back, I’ll be moving out. With Dave not being around, I’m just worried.” My step-dad took off while I was on the show. 

“I’ll be fine, Dave isn’t living here anymore but he is still going to help with the girls.”

“Of course he says that but we need a plan for if he doesn’t.”

“Louis, he is not going to disappear, he loves his kids and yes, that does include you. Have you called him yet?”

“No and I’m not going to.” This is just another thing going on right now and I refuse to deal with it. He married mum when I was seven, the same year I had to start visiting my biological dad once a year. I have always thought of Dave as my real dad, I even took his name. But he left, just like my bio dad did when I was just an infant. Mum keeps telling me how much Dave loves me but I’m not buying it. I guess he went round to his parents’ in Brighton for the holidays so he hasn’t been to see me at all and won’t be back before I leave for the X-Factor tour. So yeah, clearly I’m not that important to him whether he loves me or not.

Mum and I have had this fight so she doesn’t press. She knows that I’m hurt even though I never admitted it to her. The other night I heard her on the phone telling Dave what this means to me but it didn’t change his plans. So I’m done.

Mum walks over to me and wraps me in a big hug finally having the roast in the oven, “My little Lou, always worrying about me, I’m the mum, I will take care of things. You need to go out into the world and live your life.”

I hug her back and then the doorbell rings. “That’ll be them,” mum says as she unties her apron. My heart leaps, my boy is here. I am up and heading straight for the door to the chorus of four pairs of feet banging down the stairs.

I open the door to find a young woman with blonde hair, familiar green eyes, Lilly, holding a cake carrier and an overnight bag. A Man, who I assume is Rob holding a few more bags looking awkward and Lisa fussing over Harry trying, unsuccessfully to straighten out the collar of his polo shirt. They all turn to look at me. 

“Hi, come in, come in.” They step in the house and the Tomlinson chaos swallows them up. All four girls are chattering loudly and swarming Harry as my mum rushes in from the kitchen. Lisa hugs both me and my mum and then introduces my mum to Lilly and Rob. I say hello and give Lilly an awkward hug since she has so much stuff in her hands. I then turn and shake Rob’s hand, being sure to have a nice firm grip, I try pretty hard to impress Rob. 

I have already won Lisa over and I really like her. We had a heart to heart after I announced Harry and I wanted to be ‘roommates’ and I make a point to chat with her everytime I go around there's. She is worried about him being out on his own and I assured her I would look after him and already have been. I hope the news that I am also his boyfriend doesn’t change how she feels about me.

Everyone is standing around now except the girls. The twins are jumping all over Haz while the older girls talk at him so fast I can’t even understand what they are saying. 

“Oi, oi!” This gets the girls attention. “Vic, Liz let Harry breath a minute. Katie, why don’t you take that cake to the kitchen and Marie take our guests coats and hang them up. Harry and I will take these bags upstairs.” Everyone stares at me for a second and then the girls spring into action.

I hear Rob laugh and say, “Man of the house, isn’t he?”

Lisa and mum laugh and then mum responds, “you have no idea,” rolling her eyes, “he was just worrying over me in the kitchen before you got here.”

“Mum!” I shout. Nothing is private in this house. If you make it inside that front door you become entitled to all of our family secrets. 

“Well you were,” she responds. I roll my eyes this time. Harry and I start gathering the bags and make our way upstairs. We drop his parents and sisters things in the guest room and then rush into my room to leave his bag. As soon as we walk in I shut the door behind us and pull him into a kiss. He looks so fucking gorgeaous today per usual. But i haven’t seen him in like three days so it is a little overwhelming. I was trying so hard to focus on his family downstairs but all I wanted to do was get my hands on him. 

“You look incredible Haz. I missed you.” 

“I missed you too, now shut up and keep kissing me.” He doesn’t have to ask me twice.

“Lou Lou!” is shouted up from downstairs, one of the girls. 

“Just a second!”

“Better go huh?” Harry asks. 

“Yes, but first, are we doing this, are you ready?”

Harry looks really nervous but he juts his chin out a little and says, “yes we are,” taking my hand and kissing it. 

“I’ll be right there with you,” I say fixing his fringe. “When?” I ask as I successfully fix his collar.

“When it feels right.”

“Okay love.” I peck him on the nose and then we walk back downstairs.

A little while later we are all seated around the table, it is a bit of a squeeze and the little ones are sitting at a folding table right next to the normal table. We don’t really do the whole kids table thing, we want the girls to be comfortable around adults. Everyone has been getting along really well and there are so many conversations going on around the table it would be impossible to follow them all at once. At first Rob seemed a little out of place but we started talking football and are now having an animated debate about our favorite clubs. My sisters are of course obsessed with Lilly and are asking her all kinds of questions about uni. Harry and the mums are talking about the X-Factor tour. 

Once the roast dinner is consumed the Christmas cake is brought to the table. 

“This looks incredible,” my mum announces as she starts to hand out pieces. “Did you make it Lilly?”

Lilly laughs, “of course not, that's all Harry. He is our little baker.”

I take a bite of the cake and it is incredible, the best christmas cake I have ever had, “Oh my god Haz this is amazing, Did you make the marzipan yourself?” 

Harry blushes a little, “Yeah. Thank you.” I reach under the table and subtly squeeze his knee causing his blush to deepen. 

While everyone is enjoying the cake the whole table joins in on one meandering conversation discussing our Christmas celebrations and my birthday. At one point Lisa comments on the girls’ hair, “Wow, Diane you are really good at fixing hair, look at those braids!” To the confusion of the other family my mum, sisters, and I all burst into laughter. 

Through her chuckles my mum stutters out, “Their hair only looks like that when Louis is home.”

Lilly looks at me shocked, “You did that?”

“Umm yeah,” I mumble.

“Will you do mine?” she asks excitedly. 

“Sure,” I smile at her, “We can do it after dinner.” She smiles back at me. 

“Speaking of after dinner, someone needs to do the washing up,” my mum is looking at me, Katie, and Marie.

Immediately the girls start to pout, I want to spare Harry’s family this argument so I jump in, “I will do it.” Then I look at my sisters pointedly, “this time, don’t get used to it.”

“We wouldn’t dare, you never do the washing up,” Katie snaps back.

“I’ll help,” Harry says, jumping up and starting to clear the table. 

As I start to stand up my mum looks at me, “pour us some more wine while you're at it love.” Lisa and Rob nod in agreement. I grab a fresh bottle since the last one is empty and uncork it, pouring the adults their second…. Third glass of wine? I’m not sure. 

Lilly obstains, she has had one glass like Harry and I, as I walk past her she grabs my wrist and motions for me to bend down, no one is really paying attention to us so she says quietly, “I brought something special for us three later tonight.” 

I smile at her and raise an eyebrow, she pinches her thumb and finger together and makes a smoking motion. I nod enthusiastically and add, “I’ve got something harder than wine.” She returns my smile. As I straighten up I see Harry grinning at us, I’m sure he knows about her plan. 

A few minutes later finds Harry and I shoulder to shoulder at the sink washing and rinsing dishes. We are kind of lost in our own world bumping into each other and splashing water while we discuss Liam’s new love interest. One of the dancers from the show is going to be on the tour and they have been talking. He has asked her out on a date the first night we all move into the hotel for rehearsals. He is so nervous and we have all been giving him hell in the group chat. 

I am vaguely aware of what is going on behind us. The parents are chatting and my sisters are running around and giggling, I glance over my shoulder to see they persuaded Lilly to get the mistletoe off of the entryway and they are trying to make people kiss. They are all squealing as mum gives Vic an exaggerated smooch while Marie holds the mistletoe over them. 

Harry brings my attention back when he whispers, “Lilly tell you what she brought?”

“Yeah, you ever been high before love?” I whisper back.

“No,” he responds moving closer to my ear making sure we aren’t overheard, “she says it's bound to happen soon and she would rather be with me the first time.”

I turn and smile at him, “glad I get to be part of this.”

A loud shuffling noise on my other side has me turning my head, Liz has pushed a bar stool over next to me, “Whatcha doing Liz, want to help with the washing up? Careful there.” I say as she climbs on top of the stool and stands up. I reach out a hand to stabilize her but Lilly is already there putting her hands on Liz’s waist so she can catch her if she falls.

“Elizabeth,” I say in my stern voice, “get down, that is not safe.” The tone of my voice silences the entire room and everyone is staring at us. 

Usually this voice works on Liz but she is just staring at me with a shit eating grin then slowly removes her hand from behind her back revealing the mistletoe. I immediately see where this is going and my heart drops into my stomach, nerves taking over. She leans forward causing Lilly to tighten her grip and holds the plant above Harry and I, “Now you have to kiss,” she giggles. There is a chorus of squeals and eewwwws from the rest of my sisters. 

I turn to face Harry and find him already facing me, we are toe to toe and my heart is pounding fast, I see my own apprehension reflected in his face. 

“Liz, stop that this second, that is rude,” my mom is admonishing but the stubborn little girl doesn’t give up.

“It’s the rules, Lou Lou and Harry have to kiss!”

I look at Harry and give him an almost imperceptible nod which he returns. I lean forward slowly placing my hands firmly on his waist. One of his hands settles on my chest and the other cups my cheek. We press our lips together kissing, it is sweet and chaste but lasts long enough to make the nature of things clear. 

As we pull apart I know I need to check in on everyone’s reaction but my first priority is Harry. I look him in the eyes and see that he looks a little scared, he hasn’t looked over to our audience yet either. I wrap him in a hug and plant a kiss on the top of his head quietly saying, “proud of you baby,” it’s so quiet in here, I’m sure everyone can hear but I don’t really care. This seems to boost him, I can feel him nodding into my chest so I release him from the hug, we clasp hands and turn to face everyone. Lilly has placed Liz back on the floor. The girls are giggling and Katie, my sassy little mini me exclaims, “boys aren’t supposed to kiss boys like THAT!”

“Sometimes they do,” I respond looking at her. Finally I drag my eyes over to the table to find my mum, Lisa, and Rob staring at us, frozen. After a moment they start looking at us and then back to each other and then at us like they can’t figure out what to say. 

“Lilly, help finish up the washing with the girls,” Lisa finally says, breaking the silence. Lilly nods in response. 

“Boys, why don’t you go have a seat in the living room. We will be there in a moment. Marie, put a film on in the tv room when you're done with the washing up.” She motions towards the back door and the adults walk outside while the girls take our place at the sink and Harry and I shuffle into the living room.

2

Louis and I are sitting next to each other on the love seat facing the three adults who just came in after deliberating outside for five minute. Lou has a hand possessively on my knee rubbing soothing circles with his thumb. I am glad to feel his touch. It is keeping me calm as my anxiety increases over what my mum and Rob are going to say. 

Diane starts, “Well, I just want to start by saying, Louis I love you and support you one hundred percent, no matter what your sexuality is.”

My mum chimes is, “Harry, of course we love you so much and it doesn’t matter at all who you want to kiss. But I’m pretty sure I am speaking for all three of us when I say we are a little surprised. Didn’t see this coming.” Rob and Diane nod in agreement. “We would really like to hear from you two about what is going on. There is a lot happening in your lives right now so naturally we are a bit concerned about you starting a relationship, seeing as you now work together and are arranging to live together. These are big choices and you are still very young, especially you, son.”

Louis squeezes his hand tighter on my knee and looks at me, I’m feeling a bit tongue tied and like I may cry from the stress of the situation. I’m glad they support us being gay or whatever we are, but it sounds an awful lot like my mum doesn’t want us to be together. Seeing how upset I look, Louis immediately wraps me in his arms rubbing my back as my tears start to fall. 

“It’s okay Haz, it’s okay,” He says in a quiet calm voice. 

I know the parents are watching and I feel really frustrated for breaking down like this in the middle of an adult conversation. I just can’t seem to prevent myself from bursting into tears when I get stressed or upset, I feel like I’m too old for this shit. I pull back from the hug and look at the parents, “I’m sorry,” I stammer out trying to stem my tears but they keep falling. 

I look back at Lou pleadingly and he is immediately tending to me again. Wiping my tears with the sleeve of his jumper. His intense eyes focused only on me makes me feel like we are on our own when he says, “No, don’t apologize. It’s okay, this is a lot right now. Can you tell me why you are crying darling?” 

“Just overwhelmed… scared, you don’t want me to be with Lou,” I say between hiccups looking over at my mum remembering everyone is in the room, watching. 

She jumps up, crosses the room and kneels in front of me. She reaches to touch my shoulder but I recoil burying my face in Louis’ shoulder wrapping my arms around him, he embraces me again.

“I didn’t say that son, I’m just concerned, we have some questions, but I’m not going to try to keep you two apart.” She places her hand on my back and I let her this time, still hugging Lou, “It has been quite obvious for a while you two are inseparable, that's okay. I want you to be happy.”

My crying starts to taper off hearing her reassurances. As I get the last tears out, Louis sits me up, mopping the rest of my tears with his sleeve, “See Haz, it’s okay. I’ll go get you some water and Kleenex. Why don’t you give your mum a hug.”

I nod in response, and then turn to my mom who embraces me and I wrap my arms around her in return. “I love you so much,” she says.

“I love you too.” 

Rob has now crossed over to us and places a hand on each of our shoulders. “Love you lad.”

We stay like this until Louis comes in and hands me a glass of water and some tissues, “There you go love.” He then turns to his own mum, and crosses to her giving her a hug. They have an exchange that I can’t hear but by the way they are smiling it must be good. Once both little family units are reconciled we return to our original seats, I’m so much more confident and everyone in the room is smiling now. This feels so much better.

Lou takes my hand and says, “We have been dating since week four of the live shows.”

“Who else knows?” Diane asks.

I take this one, “only the band, we figured it would be obvious so we told them. They don’t mind or anything, they support us.”

“That’s really good, we support you too, one hundred percent” mum says, “I think the main concern is the plan to move in together. Are you guys moving in like roommates or like…. Boyfriends?”

Louis and I make eye contact and both break out in big grins. “Boyfriends,” he answers. 

“Well I would really like you to consider having separate rooms,” Rob says this time looking at Louis appraisingly. 

I can’t help but giggle at this recommendation, I look at them, “There’s not much point in that.”

“Why is that?” Diane asks gently. 

“We have been living out of each other’s pockets for a while now,” Louis answers. 

My mum raises her eyebrows at me clearly seeking more information. “If we are being fully transparent here, Louis and I have been sharing a bed since we stayed at the Bungalow, since before our relationship was romantic. We shared a bunk all twelve weeks in the house. By the end of the show as you saw, we couldn’t even sort out our belongings, we kind of fell into sharing everything pretty quickly.”

“I don’t see much point in us trying to set up separate bedrooms, it wouldn’t stay that way for long.” 

“Well if that is what you guys want, it’s not like we can stop you,” Diane says. “Just be careful,” she adds, “respect each other’s boundaries, look out for each other.”

“If you are ready to make these adult decisions then you have to act like adults,” mum says. 

“I just have to say it once,” Rob stares Louis down, “Don’t hurt my son, you better take care of him.”

Louis responds confidently, “I promise I will, I would never hurt Harry.” Rob nods at him, seemingly appeased for now. 

“Well, that’s enough of this serious conversation, let's grab Lilly and crack open the prosecco,” Diane says energetically. 

“Yes, let’s celebrate these boys, the show, the tour, their record deal, and their love. No more hiding, you just be yourselves now,” my mum says smiling encouragingly at us. I smile at Lou and he gives me a peck on the nose making us both laugh. And then everyone is smiling and laughing and hugging each other. 

We spent a lovely evening with everyone, chatting and relaxing. Eventually, the parents moved to the tv room to watch a film after the kids went upstairs. Leaving me curled up against Louis on the sofa while he weaves an intricate braid into Lilly’s hair. When this procedure is done the three of us decide to go for a walk. Ultimately ending up at an empty playground sipping vodka and passing a joint around. 

“Take it easy Haz,” Lou says as he passes me the joint the first time. “Just inhale slowly, don’t choke yourself.” I do as he says and then pass it on to Lilly only coughing a little, not missing him patting his pocket, where he insisted on slipping my inhaler before we left. 

I am starting to feel really relaxed, we are sitting on the main platform of the play structure having fallen relatively quiet. By the time the joint is finished Lilly starts up the conversation again, telling a story about getting drunk during a pub quiz but she is giggling so much I can’t follow what she is saying. It doesn’t matter, it is funny anyway and I find myself laughing along. Lou’s beautiful laughter is ringing out as well.

Where is Louis? I forgot, I was so focused on watching Lilly hysterically trying to tell her story I lost track of my boy. I look around frantically and find him sitting to my right. Looking at him I start laughing again, “I lost you for a moment Boo.” 

Louis opens his arms and says, “we can’t have that, come here.” I crawl over to him and settle between his legs, my back pressed into his chest. His arms feel so warm and cozy wrapped around me and I hum with contentment. 

“You two are so cute,” Lilly whines, “I wish I had a boyfriend.”

“Don’t you?” I ask.

“Ooh yeah, I forgot!” Lilly exclaims, throwing us all into another round of laughter. “Doesn’t matter though, he doesn’t look at me like that!” she shouts, gesturing wildly. 

I turn my head to realize Louis is staring at me with adoration, twirling one of my curls around his finger. I am so in love, I have to kiss him. I lean in and press our lips together. I am completely lost in our kiss until Lilly is swatting at us, “Enough, enough! That’s my brother!” 

We break our kiss and we all start laughing again. Lilly lays on her back using Louis’ leg as a pillow while I trace the pattern of her braid with my finger. We stay there for who knows how long, laughing and talking until Lou announces he is starving. 

We all get up and struggle to get down, ultimately deciding to take the slide, resulting in a pile up at the bottom. Once we extricate ourselves from the resulting dog pile on the cold ground we decide to walk to a convenience store, discreetly sipping from the vodka bottle all the way there. 

Lilly leaves Lou and I in the alley and goes in to buy snacks, saying I look too young to be so pissed and she isn’t leaving me alone. We really don’t mind, using the time on our own to make out against the alley wall.

By the time we make it back to Louis’ house we are a little more managed but definitely still very silly. Lou pulls out three cigarettes when we are out front and we light up, hoping it will mask the smell of weed on our clothes. We are relieved to find that the parents have gone to bed since we are basically stumbling up the stairs barely concealing our laughter every time one of us wobbles. We say good night to Lilly in the hall and rush into Louis’ room and strip down to our pants. I grab Rusty from my bag and we crawl into bed, too slap happy at this point to do anything other than cuddle and crack each other up with terrible jokes until we finally drift off to sleep. 

In the morning I wake up still in Louis’ arms, he has woken up too and snuggles me closer nuzzling his face in my hair, “Morning Hazza,” he mumbles. 

“Good morning Boo Bear,” I respond. To this we hear a chorus of coos from behind us, startled we both sit up and turn to find our mums standing in the doorway, that must be what woke us up. 

“So cute!” mum says, Diane nodding in agreement.

“Mum!!” I shout feeling my face go beet red. 

“Breakfast is ready, Boo Bear, Hazza,” Diane teases looking at us in turn. We both groan loudly and shout at them that we will be down in a second and to please leave so we can get dressed. 

My mum embarrasses us further by scolding, “You better have clothes on under there,” gesturing to the duvet. 

“Muuuum! Yes we do, but forgive me for not wanting to walk around in front of Diane in my pants.” This makes both of them laugh again but they leave us alone.

After they are gone, Louis gives me a quick kiss and says, “that was humiliating but at least they weren’t angry to find us half naked in bed.” 

“Well it’s not the first time,” I respond, remembering a similar scene in the hotel room a few weeks ago. 

Before my family leaves that day we are subjugated to posing for about a million pictures for the mums and make plans for Louis to come spend New Years Eve with us. 


	6. Hey Angel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The boys get a small taste of tour life on the X-Factor tour and then move into their first apartment together. 
> 
> Lou pushes back from the hug and faces me, “You cheeky bastard!” he shouts and then slips into a familiar throaty voice as he slowly moves his eyes over my body. “The girls can look but only I get to touch,” he says palming my crotch roughly through my jeans, already making me moan in response to his touch. Okay, maybe we will hook up tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! The first part of this chapter is mostly fluff, angst, and OT5 friendship. The second part gets steamy, as Larry enjoys their first night alone in their apartment. 
> 
> TW: Anxiety, PTSD, Panic Attack, Self-Harm

_ “So your families were supportive of your relationship?” _

_ “Yes, they always have been, and our families are very close too, we all get together a lot and go on trips and stuff together.” _

_ “Did you see any validity in your parents initial concerns about your age and the seriousness of your relationship?” _

_ “At the time, no. Now I kind of see what they were saying but I still can’t imagine things any other way. I was only 16, I don’t know how I would have done all that alone.” _

_ “We definitely learned to be adults together and I’m not sure either of us could stay afloat on our own. I still can barely cook but I don’t think Harry would have any idea how to pay our bills. Everything kind of balances out.” _

_ “So this might be another area where you two are very dependent on each other.” _

_ “Don’t see why it matters, it works for us.” _

_ “Let’s move on then, so with your parents blessing things went forward as planned?” _

_ “Yeah, we spent a week in London in January essentially doing more paperwork with the label and management.” _

_ “We started doing some media training and working on our ‘image’ as a band and individuals.”  _

_ “Yeah that was always some bullshit. On X-Factor we were encouraged to be ourselves because it was reality tv. But as professionals we are expected to portray ourselves the way we are advertised to be. And we don’t have a lot of control over how we are advertised.”  _

_ “We also met the management team, or at least some of the key players. There were just a handful of people back then.” _

_ “Jim was there, he has always been the head of our team, he makes the final call on everything. The only time I have ever gone over his head I had to go straight to Simon.” _

_ “Yeah and Louis and Jim started butting heads immediately, even on the X-Factor tour.” _

1

The crowd is screaming and I’m finally getting used to it. We are on stage in Glasgow, the lights are bright, our costumes are worn out from repeated washing, but we are together, all five of us, and in this moment we are living our dream. We gather at the front of the stage and start in on my favorite cover,  _ Grenade _ . 

I look over at Louis and catch him looking back at me, this song, this moment of stillness in the performance is when we check in with each other. He looks radiant under the stage light as he pulls out one of his in-ears to listen to the audience. I shift my focus to the performance and attempt to put all of my attention on listening to Liam sing. I’m trying so hard to focus but I can feel the blue eyes staring at me and then out of the corner of my eye, Lou starting in on the silly hand motions we made up, as Liam sings “tossed it in the trash.” 

On my right Zayne starts to crack and the focus is shattered. If we’re doing this, we’re doing this. On Niall’s line, “give you all my love,” I raise my hand, palm up in offering. Louis immediately pats his heart, taking my love. Zayne pretends to take offense at this. At that moment someone in the crowd screams extra loud drawing our focus away from each other and back to the audience. 

A little while later Louis and I raise our hands and move our fingers in unison at a particular part in the music we like, making Niall laugh and eliciting another loud cheer from the crowd. But now, now it is almost time for my favorite part. I make eye contact with Lou and we beam at each other and then he turns away from me, I know he is psyching himself up. Louis’ solo in this song is perfect, so perfect just like him. The unique tone of his voice drives me crazy and in this moment it gets to ring out on it’s own, pure and beautiful. As he starts singing, “Give me all..” I feel my face go wild, a huge grin taking over, feeling just as giddy as the girls in the audience screaming for him. 

I get my face back under control but for the rest of the song Lou and I can’t help but look back and forth at each other, each of us directing the lyrics to the other. It is so cheesy but we have been so happy together, I’m so in love, I would sing every love song ever written to that man and mean every word. 

After  _ Grenade  _ we move straight into  _ Kids in America _ , picking up the tempo. By the time we make it to our last mark of the show I am buzzing. As the lights go out casting us in true darkness momentarily, I take the chance. I have managed this a few times and I’m going for it now. I quickly turn my body into Louis’, having ended the song with my arm around his waist, I squeeze him close and press a quick kiss against his lips. The lights come up just as I have pulled back, already turning my head to look elsewhere. When I look back at Louis he is sporting a smug smile to match my own, we’re playing with fire here, but the rush of getting away with it is worth the risk. 

All five of us hurry off stage in a huddle arms draped around each other's shoulders, making room for the next performer. We only do five songs but it takes a lot out of us, I can already feel the post-show giddy exhaustion settling into my bones. The hype of the show keeps us up way too late but the weariness compounds making us more and more tired every day until we have a day off. I find it so hard to believe that one day we may do full concerts, just us.

Todd - one of our managers in charge of… honestly I’m not sure, wrangling us I guess - is waiting in the wings and herds us back to our dressing room as we chatter excitedly. When we enter Jim is there, like always, waiting to tell us how we did.

“Good vocals tonight, Niall you missed your mark in the second song but covered it well,” he doesn’t miss anything so I know what is coming next. 

Jim’s eyes snap to Louis, Zayn, and I. “I told you to keep it tight tonight,” he says using the stern tone I hate so much. 

“Sorry,” Zayn and I mumble together looking down at our feet. I feel like I’m back at school getting scolded in the dean’s office. But in my peripheral vision, Louis is still looking straight at Jim.

He tries to continue, “Harry, Zayn, Louis, we all expect…” but Louis cuts him off. I am groaning internally, Lou doesn’t back down and he doesn’t pick battles. I love his confidence and stubbornness but sometimes I wish he would just take the scolding without cheek, for his own good. 

“Don’t blame them, I started it.”

“Yes, you did, didn’t you?” Jim’s eyes snap to Louis with the intensity of a shark circling its prey, here we go. “But they chose to go along. Boys, just because Louis can’t take himself seriously doesn’t mean you have to be a joke too.” 

I am wincing as Louis immediately snaps back, not letting the jibe slide by, “The audience loved it.”

“Yes Louis, everyone loves the class clown, that might be good enough for you but the other boys would like to rely on their talent,” Jim says sharply. 

He is really good at that, getting under your skin with thinly veiled barbs. I know Louis won’t let him get the last word, I just really hope he ends it here. What has already been said is enough to bruise Lou's confidence for a while, not that he would ever admit it to anyone but me. 

“I’ll be sure to stay out of the way of their talent, it won’t happen again.” Louis says looking him straight in the eye in a strong voice. This is a power move in and of itself, making it clear he didn’t miss the dig but also showing it didn’t affect him, “Are you done with notes?” 

“I am,” Jim responds tight lipped. 

“Okay boys, let’s tidy this place up so we are ready to change and leave after we go on at the end, some of us have plans tonight,” Louis says winking at Liam, immediately taking control of the room away from Jim. He is pulling my phone off the charger and putting it in our backpack. Everyone starts milling around trying to locate their things in the mess. 

“Waz happening tonight?” Zayn asks.

“Oh, Liam is gonna watch a movie in our room with Danielle,” Louis answers. 

“In private,” I add, wiggling my eyebrows exaggeratedly.

“Better use protection!” Zayn teases, intentionally sending Jim and Todd out of the dressing room. Being popular with girls is in fact part of our ‘image’ but they bug out anytime we talk like this.

Liam is bright red spluttering, “you know we don’t, we haven’t…. Yet. Not that I don’t want to but…”

We all start laughing at how flustered he is, cutting off his increasingly embarrassing rambling. “Now Liam, I don’t think you are taking your talent serious enough,” Niall says imitating Jim, “just get in her pants.” 

Louis lets out a bark of laughter locking his eyes on me with that mischievous sparkle that drives me crazy. He links his fingers in my front belt loops pulling me flush against his body saying, “apparently only a clown can figure that out,” before locking lips with me in an urgent kiss that I gladly return. 

We only manage to kiss for a moment before we are being pelted with random articles of clothing. “Get a room,” all three lads shout in practiced unison. 

“We will,”I mumble still nose to nose with Louis, “Don’t forget your end of the deal Liam, Louis and I get the private movie night tomorrow.”

“Don’t remind me,” Liam groans as the rest of the boys start to gather their things from around the room. 

As Louis turns to do the same I wrap one arm around his waist and place the other hand on his shoulder pulling him in, so his back is pressed against me, being sure he can feel that I’m already half hard. “Not gonna make it till tomorrow Boo,” I whisper in his ear, my voice coming out gravelly.

He pulls out of my grip and turns around studying my face, his expression showing arousal and surprise. I can’t imagine why he would be surprised, he started this. “When have I ever let you down baby?” he whispers as he winks at me, then walks away gathering our clothes off the floor. I take a moment to stare at his ass as he bends down and then help him find our things.

That night when we got back to the hotel Louis slipped into the shower with me while Liam was in the lobby waiting for his pizza delivery. We got each other off quickly, something we have got quite good at lately. 

We spent the rest of the evening in Zayn and Niall’s room, all four of us piled on one bed watching cheesy reality tv. I must have dozed off at some point because Louis had to wake me up to get back to our room, he even gave me a piggyback ride because I was so exhausted. 

Luckily, the next day was just a travel day followed by another day off. The next night we find ourselves in a Cardiff hotel room shooing Liam out the door.

“Leave Liam! Bye Liam! Go Liam!” Louis is chanting as he follows Liam around the room while he gets ready to head over to the other boys’ room.

“Well if you’re gonna be like that, I’ll just take my time,” Liam retorts, intentionally moving in slow motion. 

Louis sighs dramatically, “he’s killing me Haz.”

I am lounging on the bed feeling very comfortable but decide to help my boy out. “Well, we don’t have to wait for him to leave if he’s gonna be like that,” I say as I stand up, unfastening my trousers.

“Oh my god! Stop! Stop! I'm leaving!” Liam shouts rushing out the door.

As soon as the door shuts I watch the subtle shift in Louis, I can see him relax a little, the excess energy and sass slowly draining out of him, becoming the softer version of Louis that is all mine. I fasten my trousers back up, plop down on the bed and reach out to Louis spreading my arms wide and making grabby hands, only half sarcastically, begging him to come cuddle me. 

The boys of course think that we arrange these evenings alone so we can shag, but that is not what this time is for. Besides, they would be scarred for life if they knew all the places and times we manage to get off together, we hardly need an empty hotel room. 

These quiet evenings are the only chance we get to be alone together and just talk. That has been the hardest part of this tour, we are never alone, always in buses, dressing rooms, and hotel rooms with the other boys. It is great to be around them and when it is just the five of us Louis and I act like a couple but it is not the same as being alone. There is no balcony, like the X-Factor house or porch, like the Bungalow, we have been missing that time that became such an essential part of our routine. I can’t even slip out with him when he goes to smoke, Jeff gives him so much hell about it that Lou refuses to subjugate me to that scrutiny. 

Lou joins me on the bed, answering my call, we end up tangled together in a mess of limbs, faces just inches apart. “Hi Beautiful,” he says in a gentle sweet voice that always reminds me of a cat’s purr. My heart flutters sending a shutter through my whole body and I bury my head in his chest, Lou moves so that he is holding me. He kisses the top of my head and then hums softly while stroking my hair holding me securely with his other arm, this is his way of giving me permission to take the time I need to relax.

I would never let the other boys see me like this, sure we cuddle around them, but not like this. Not this seemingly one sided cuddle where Louis tends to me and soothes me so delicately. An observer would think I’m being babyish and maybe I am at 17, but Louis and I know that he needs to hold me just as much as I need him to do it. This is something we only do when we are alone or after the lights have been turned out.

I take my time fully unwinding as his small hand combs through my hair, moves to massage my neck, and finally settles lightly tracing shapes on my back. When all of the tension has left my body leaving me loose and relaxed, my head emerges from his chest and I meet his lips with mine, cutting his humming off mid tune. We make out slowly, I let my hands explore his body loving how willingly he melts into my touch, offering me every inch of his body. 

When shallow inhales stop providing enough air we sit up against the headboard and I snuggle into his side. Like always he waits for me to start the conversation, letting me set the tone. I start with the question that has been plaguing me since after the show last night, “Are you okay?”

“Of course, why wouldn’t I be?” he responds, too quickly, too monotone. 

“Jeff last night, after the show.”

“Mmmm, going straight in tonight Haz?” he accuses, poking me in the side, making me squirm.

“I’ve been worried about you,” I answered, stroking his thigh with my thumb.

“I don’t want you worrying about me Haz, I’ll be fine.”

“Well if you don’t want me to worry tell me what’s going on inside that pretty head of yours. No one else is here.” 

Louis lets out a long sigh and takes a moment to compose his thoughts. He speaks calmly as he unpacks his thoughts. “Well, I don’t think it’s fair to get mad at us for having a little fun on stage. And if it is such a big problem, he shouldn’t take it out on you and Zayn since I started it, so I had to say something.” 

“I know Lou, but it always goes too far with him,” I say unable to keep the concern out of my voice.

“That’s hardly my fault, I know I challenge his authority, I don’t like him bossing us around acting like a pompous headmaster…. But I’m not the one that starts flinging insults,” a hint of sadness creeps into his voice at this last part.

I nod my head in agreement but wait to speak, knowing that Louis is close to actually talking about his feelings. Coaxing this out of him is an art form I have been mastering. If he keeps this stuff bottled up too long he gets more and more irritable, especially with Jim and Todd, just compounding the issue, eventually fully losing his temper, which he always regrets later on. I know we are reaching a breaking point right now, he got a telling off from Todd this afternoon for taking a long smoke break with some of the musicians, in a very visible area. I managed to drag him away by claiming I needed his help finding something, before the telling off turned into a heated argument, but just barely.

“They are just so critical, it drives me bloody crazy. But mostly. Well it sucks when someone confirms your insecurities.”

There it is, the way his voice dropped off into a whisper as he said that last part tells me we have identified the real issue here. “What do you mean by that?” I question gently. 

“Implying the rest of the band can rely on talent but I can’t. Well you know, all along it has been so clear that I’m not as talented as the rest of you. I’m redundant, there is literally nothing I can sing that one of you guys couldn’t sing better. And for Jim to point it out, it just shows me that it is as obvious to everyone else as it is to me.” I turn to look at Louis’ face as he speaks, all of this is delivered stoically. He seems sad but the level of control he has over his emotions baffles me. In contrast, just listening to him say all of this has my eyes watering.

“You aren’t redundant, you probably have the best musicality of any of us and you know the songs the best, keeping everyone on time.” He offers me a small smile at my compliments but I know I haven’t gotten through to him. 

I suddenly get an idea, “Hold on.” I jump up from the bed and grab my laptop then settle back down next to him opening YouTube. 

“Babes what are you doing?” There is apprehension in his tone. 

“Have you ever watched a video of us doing  _ Grenade _ ?” He shakes his head no, as I find exactly what I am looking for, someone has already uploaded a video of us singing it last night. “I just want you to hear your voice the way I hear it, the way the audience hears it.” 

I press play on the video and he snuggles into me, softening as he watches us smile at each other and goof around. As the video approaches his solo I tell him, “look at my face, listen to the crowd.” As he starts singing in the video, he sees the huge grin that takes over my face, both on film and right now and hears the screams that come from the audience, the camera shaking wildly as the girl filming cheers for him. I move my eyes away from the video and catch the embarrassed smile and pink blush on his face before he nuzzles it into my neck and hugs me tightly.

“Haz, I…. Thank you.” I stop the video and push the laptop away, gathering him in my arms and returning the hug. 

“Now let’s talk about how sexy you look on that stage, it’s no wonder I can’t keep my hands off you,” Louis lifts his head, and says in my ear.

“No wonder all the girls are crazy about me,” I remark smugly, anticipating his reaction.

Lou pushes back from the hug and faces me, “You cheeky bastard!” he shouts and then slips into a familiar throaty voice as he slowly moves his eyes over my body. “The girls can look but only I get to touch,” he says palming my crotch roughly through my jeans, already making me moan in response to his touch. Okay, maybe we will hook up tonight.

  
  


_ “It is incredible how easy somethings are when you have the backing of a record company and a management team. We came off of the X-Factor tour, took a few weeks off, and then the band was moving into our London flats. We didn’t have to do much about it.”  _

_ “The apartment was fully furnished, we just had to pack our clothes and get some essentials like dishes and linens. It was all picked up from our houses and delivered to the apartment waiting for us when we arrived.” _

2

I’m sitting in the lobby of our apartment building screwing around on my phone. I have been here for two hours, waiting for Haz to arrive. Coincidentally, I have greeted Liam, Zayn, and Niall as they arrived and went up to unpack their individual flats. But I promised Harry I would not go into our flat until he got here. 

Of course his train was scheduled to arrive hours after mine and his phone died halfway through the journey so I don’t have any way of knowing when he will arrive. I stand up and start pacing again, I am anxious to see this place and dying to see Harry, it has been a whole week since we got back from our ski trip and I haven’t seen him since then.

The doorman watches me pace for a moment, he has been getting increasingly more annoyed with me all afternoon, “Are you sure you don’t want me to show you to your flat, Mr. Tomlinson?” He apparently already knew my name without me having to introduce myself when I arrived, giving me a bit of a shock.

“Thank you, but I have not changed my mind since you asked me fifteen minutes ago,” I snap back, immediately realizing that it came out way too harsh. “I’m sorry, I’m just waiting for my friend, if I’m in the way I can go outside.” I say apologetically offering a smile.

“It’s not a bother you just looked uncomfortable.” He gives me a nod and small smile. Taking the hint I sit back down in one of the stiff chairs, scooting my bum as far forward as it can go on the seat and leaning against the backrest closing my eyes. Any minute now, he will be here any minute.

I lay like this for a while, opening my eyes every time I hear the doorman start to greet someone. After a few false alarms I finally hear the words I have been waiting for, “Good afternoon, Mr. Styles.” 

I jump up from my seat and am moving to the door as Harry politely greets the doorman, asking his name, it’s Greg. Then Harry sees me, stops talking mid sentence and is moving in my direction. We break into a run and within a few paces we are crashing into each other's arms laughing and professing how much we have been missing each other. My hands move to cup his face but I stop myself. “Let’s go see our place, Hazza.”

He grins wide, “Did you really wait all this time?”

Before I can answer the doorman chimes in, “He did!”

“Thanks Greg, I will be out of your hair now,” I say as I grab my abandoned backpack and link my arm with Harry’s walking to the lift. 

My hands are shaking as I bring the key to the lock. Harry reaches out covering my hand with his and turns the key with me. I let out a loud squeal as Harry suddenly scoops me up in his arms bridal style and walks through the entry. 

“Put me down, put me down!” Harry lowers me in front of him and I stand gaping at the high ceilings and fancy furnishings. When I look at Harry he is just staring at me, “I guess we’re home Haz.” 

“Already was,” he mumbles stepping forward and nuzzling into my neck. I lift his chin and press a kiss to his lips, a kiss which he eagerly returns drawing us into each other. 

I am totally caught up in Harry. He smells like he always does, strawberry shampoo contrasted with a heady musk that is uniquely his. One of my hands is tangled up in his baby soft curls, the other tracing his spine over the thin t-shirt he is wearing. I feel one of his hands slide down my waist and settle on my bum, giving it a squeeze while he pulls me in closer. I can hear myself moaning, “Haz,” into his mouth. 

I have truly forgotten we are in the entryway and the door is still wide open until a familiar Irish drawl groans, “lads! You finally have your own place, I shouldn’t have to walk in on this anymore!” We quickly pull apart and turn to the door finding Niall. 

“Oops!” Harry says, “Forgot the door was open.”

“Didn’t you? As your new neighbor I don’t want this to be a regular occurrence.” Niall drops his stern act and lunges forward giving me and then Harry a hug. “I’m just one door down! And Liam and Zayn are on the floor below us. Isn’t this totally insane?! These flats are so nice, how do you like yours?” Niall is speaking so quickly, his characteristic enthusiasm making an appearance.

I once again look at the entry and the little bit of the living room I can see, “Well the doorway is nice,” I answer with a twinge of sarcasm.

“Oh! Go check it out, we’ll catch up later.” Harry tries to say bye but Niall is already skipping, yes actually skipping, down the hall to his door. Harry raises an eyebrow at me and we both giggle. 

I close the door and lock it behind us and then we descend on the flat walking from room to room, holding hands. The living room is grand with high ceilings, some sort of modern design sofa, and a large tv. When we step into the kitchen Harry really lights up looking at the recessed lighting, granite countertops, and fancy hob that I have no idea how to turn on.

We move down the hallway and find two open doors, both bedrooms have an ensuite, a huge bed with a fancy duvet, and a massive walk-in closet. But only one of the rooms has a door leading to a small balcony. As we step into the balcony room, the one furthest down the hall, I look at Harry and ask, “This one?”

He nods in agreement, Harry’s boxes are already piled in here, mine were placed in the other room. I take a more critical look at the room, the bed is so large I’m pretty sure the way we sleep we won’t even take up a third of the space. It is draped with a scratchy looking, shiny brown duvet. There is an actual chandelier hanging as the light fixture and a tv mounted on the wall across from the bed. 

I squeeze Harry’s hand and finally voice what I have been thinking through this whole flat tour, “kind of cold isn’t it?”

“We can turn on the heating.”

“No not like that, it’s a bit impersonal.” 

Harry lets out a sigh, deflating a little, “I didn’t want to say it but yes, it’s not very homey is it?” He is now looking at me, I see he has a small frown and his eyes are pinched and sad. I have to fix this.

“Don’t be sad baby. This is supposed to be a great day, help me move my boxes in here and let's unpack, that will make it feel better.” He attempts a smile, but he still looks a bit sad. “I promise we will make this place feel like home princess, I mean I’m here, you’re here,” I say stroking his cheek with my thumb coaxing a small but genuine smile from him. “Besides once I’ve been living here for 24 hours this place will be a mess.”

Harry lets out a bark of laughter, “that’s the truth,” he giggles wrapping me in a hug. I tickle his sides making him squirm as his laughter fills our new bedroom, giving it some life. 

Hours later, night has fallen and we are exhausted but the apartment is littered with our things. The kitchen is filled with mismatched second hand dishes from our mothers. In the living room our favorite ‘his’ and ‘hers’ blankets the lads bought us as a joke are tossed on the couch. All over the house we have scattered frames filled with pictures of our families, us, and the band. The massive closet in our bedroom is not even half full with both of our clothes, and our toiletries are spread across the bathroom counter. The bed has been overhauled, I shoved the scratchy duvet and sheets in the back of a closet and replaced them with cozy flannel sheets and both of our duvets from home (one wouldn’t cover the whole bed). Rusty sits in the middle of the bed, dwarfed by the large pillows. 

Now we are lounging on the couch with the tv on quietly in the background working on our last slices of pizza. “We need to do a food shop tomorrow,” I mumble through a mouth full.

Harry pointedly takes the time to chew and swallow before responding, “You are so gross sometimes.”

“That’s rude,” I respond, while chewing another mouth full exaggeratedly.

“Excuse me, I’m not the one talking with my mouth full,” Harry says trying to sound offended but he can barely keep the chuckle out of his voice. 

Without thinking I retort, “I can fill your mouth babe.” Harry’s eyes go wide and he lets out a strange sound, some cross between a bark of laughter and a squeal, then he covers his mouth with both hands turning beet red. He looks so comically adorable staring at me like that, I am trying so hard not to laugh but a little giggle slips out when I spot a familiar bulge in his trackies.

He notices me look and buries his head in the couch cushions. I can hear some very muffled words, “oh my god, kill me now, oh noooo.”

I scooch closer to him and start to tentatively stroke his back, “Haz baby, what has you so flustered?”

He turns his head slightly so I can hear him as he whispers, “blow jobs,” then he buries his head back in the cushion.

“Okay, I was mostly teasing, we aren’t gonna do anything you aren’t comfortable with.”

“Noooooo! I want to!” A muffled shout from him.

I will not laugh. I will not laugh. This is NOT funny. Who am I kidding? This is fucking hilarious, but I can’t laugh now. Later, I’m going to tease him mercilessly. 

“Okay? Then we can do that. I can give you one if you want.” Now I’m feeling a bit nervous, I have only ever been on the receiving end, I can figure it out though. This is something we have never done, we are always too rushed and have to be quiet so it hasn’t even come up before.

This is met with another muffled, “Noooooo!”

This kid. “Hazza, what do you want then?”

He turns his face so that his cheek is pressed against the cushion and he is looking at me. His hair is messed up and his face is blushed a deep rose color, eyes wide. He looks so hot right now, I just want to take him to our bed. “I want to give you one,” he says so quietly I can barely hear him. 

“O..O..Okay.” Fuck. Fuck. Fuck yes. I feel my eyes widen and something is happening in my trousers, I try to readjust things but there is no way to make this comfortable in tight jeans.

Harry is watching me shift uncomfortably, when I settle he starts talking again, quicker than I have ever heard him speak, with a tone living somewhere between embarrassment and arousal. “I have been thinking about this so much lately. Like I think it might be weird like I’m supposed to want to get a blow job, which I do. But what I really think about. What really drives me crazy is thinking about taking you in my mouth and making you moan, tasting you, licking….”

I can feel precum leaking into my boxers as he is talking, in the past few seconds I swear I have lost my mind. I can’t think straight, I just need him. If he keeps talking like that I’m done. I cut him off, “Harold! Stop before I come right here, right now.” I take a few deep breaths trying to get things under control before I humiliate myself by coming in my pants before we even touch.

One good look at me struggling and a switch flips in Harry, all of the nervous embarrassment disappears replaced with sensual confidence. A sultry smile plays across his face as he looks at me hungrily seeing how undone I have become at his words, “Oh, is that a risk?” He is now pushing me on my back and straddling me. “It’s not weird then?” he asks as he strokes my cock through my jeans.

My whole body shutters and I am finding it hard to speak, “n..n..no. n...n...n..”

“Shhhhhh,” he cuts me off, placing a finger over my lips he stands up looking down on me as I lay on the couch almost whimpering, “I would take you to the bedroom but I don’t think you’re gonna make it love.” I shake my head no and then yes, not able to sort out which one tells him he is right. 

I watch as Harry pulls his shirt and track bottoms off, of course he isn’t wearing pants, seeing his hard dick makes me even more desperate. “Haaaaz,” I moan sitting up and reaching for him, taking his penis in my hand and rubbing my thumb over his head, spreading his precum around. He lets out his own moan in response as I start pumping him slowly, switching back and forth between watching the beautiful sight of his cock in my hand and watching his face as pleasure takes over. I need to see him come apart more, I want to watch the pleasure completely take over his expression, I start pumping faster but then his hand shoots out and grabs my wrist, stopping me. 

“Not yet Boo, you first,” he says brushing my fringe with his other hand. The confident teasing persona has gone and been replaced with tenderness and maybe a little bit of nerves. His hands reach down to the hem of my shirt and quickly pull it over my head before he guides me back into a lying position on the couch swinging his long leg over my body so he is straddling my lap. 

He leans forward and presses a sweet kiss against my lips and then returns for a longer deeper kiss. When he breaks off the kiss he says in a voice more questioning than confident, “I’m gonna suck you off babe, it's gonna make us both feel so good.” 

“You don’t have to, I would like it, but only if you want to,” I whisper as my cock twitches in my trousers at his words. 

With me giving the go ahead he whispers, “I want to,” closing the sentence with a kiss. He starts tracing his hands and lips down my body starting with my neck. When his hands are on my waist and his mouth is teasing my pelvic bone he nips at my skin. A warm sensation moves from my toes all the way up my body, relaxing me as my spine tingles, and comes out of my mouth as his name, “Harry.”

At the sound of his name he looks up at me, our eyes locking, he smiles teeth still clamped on my skin, one dimple visible, face framed with messy curls. I am totally overwhelmed by how stunning he is, strong emotions building in my chest I can’t help but say, “I love you so fucking much,” my voice cracking a little at the end as the emotion bubbles out of me. He keeps looking at me and I just smile at him, smile bigger than I think I have ever smiled. 

Suddenly his tongue is licking under the elastic of my pants and his hands are unfastening my trousers, he shimmies further down the couch and pulls them off completely. There is a visible wet spot from precum on my boxers, before I can prepare myself he is licking and sucking on the wet spot and I let out a small cry of pleasure. 

He groans and rapidly removes my pants, my swollen cock now resting on my stomach. He stares for a moment and then lowers his head, starting at the base and dragging his tongue all the way up to my tip, then lifts my cock and puts his mouth around it. I lift up on my elbows so I can watch as he moves his mouth up and down occasionally stopping to run his tongue around my head. My whole body is tingling with pleasure, I can hear loud moaning and I am vaguely aware they are coming from me but controlling them is completely beyond my ability. 

Harry stops to lick the underside of my dick again and when he reaches the tip this time, he quickly takes me in deeper than before, sending another wave of sparks up my spine. I can hear him gagging but he doesn’t stop pulsing up and down with the tip of my cock hitting the back of his throat. 

I can feel the heat starting to pool in my abdomen and my vision blurring, “Fuck! Shit! Harry!” I reach forward with one of my hands shifting my weight to one arm. I dig my fingers into his curls being careful not to push on his head. 

At the sound of my yells he moves back on my cock, wrapping one hand around the base and moving it in unison with his mouth. I try to warn him but as the words leave my mouth, “Im gonna…” they are cut off by the massive wave of pleasure filling my body. I can hear Harry groaning around my cock as I shoot off in his mouth. He pulls off slowly, I am panting feeling like I am melting into the couch as I come down, the heat slowly draining from me. Harry looks me straight in the eyes and swallows. 

“Fuuuuuuucck,” i moan as I move my arm letting my full weight drop back onto the couch. I feel his tongue kitten lick at the tip of my dick, cleaning up the cum, I squirm from the touch, overstimulated. When he is finished he stares at me again as he licks the cum off of his fingers. 

He is propped up on his knees, his cock hard, precum glistening on the tip. “Stand up,” 

Harry quickly stands up and I slide off the couch falling on my knees before him, I’m practically worshipping him after what he just did. I spit in my hand a few times and then grip him and start pumping hard immediately, switching up my grip every few strokes. 

“Lou, fuck I was already so close,” he says in a hoarse voice. From this angle I can so clearly see his balls, something I have never spent much time noticing before. Without thinking I nuzzle my face between his thighs and lick one of his testicles, I am rewarded with a low moan. So I keep licking and pumping my fist to the sound of his moans until I open my mouth and suck one in, circling it with my tongue. At this he goes stiff and I can feel jets of hot liquid falling on my hand. I release him from my mouth and look up, giving him a few more slow strokes as he finishes. 

We freeze for a moment catching our breath, I have my hands on his ass and forehead resting on his pelvis, his hands resting on my shoulders. When Harry can speak he says, “Boo, you have come in your hair.” 

I chuckle quietly. “Don’t care, that was incredible.” 

“It was, shower?” I nod and slowly stand up, falling into his arms as we embrace each other and kiss slowly. 

“Okay, shower,” I say after a few minutes. We look around noticing that we still need to tidy away the pizza boxes and dishes.

After tidying up, yes I can clean things up sometimes, we make our way into the shower enjoying the hot water. We stay under the stream for 20 minutes, washing each other’s hair and bodies and then just holding each other in the steamy heat, telling each other how incredible that was and how much we love each other. We fall into bed fully relaxed and sleep immediately.

I wish I could say I slept through the night but I jolt awake, unable to breath a few hours later. I tighten my grip on Harry, relieved to find him there, asleep, and unharmed. But that isn’t enough tonight. I can’t breath and I can’t calm down but I am paralized by fear. Someone is coming for me, someone is going to hurt me. The familiar violent wave of nausea hits me and I quickly get out of bed and rush to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me, desperately hoping that will hold him off, keep him from getting to me, keep me safe. I fall to my knees for the second time tonight but this time it is in front of the toilet as I empty my stomach. 

When I am done retching I tumble backwards, sitting on my bum exhausted and panting, the fear is wearing off. It was just a dream no one is coming to get me, I am safe. As the fear washes out of my body the despair builds trying to swallow me. I can see myself in the long mirror on the back of the door, clutching my knees, shaking and pale. I hate that person. That scared, pitiful man who can’t protect himself, I hate him so much. Then the worst is going to happen. I feel my eyes trying to water, I refuse to let a single tear fall. I swore to myself I would never cry again, but I have to do something fast or I will lose them. 

I know what I have to do. I have been doing this since early on in the X-Factor tour, since whatever this is, started to happen more frequently. I need to feel pain and now, it will distract me, keep me from crying like the ridiculous baby I am. The first time I broke my razor, extracted a blade and dragged it down my upper arm making a long cut. The sharp pain instantly calmed me, focused me, and brought me back into the present. But that was too noticeable everyone was asking about the cut and I had to make up a story about catching my arm on something backstage in the dark. 

So I came up with a new solution, people don’t ask about bruises, at least not like they do about cuts, make a joke about being clumsy and they leave me alone about it, even Harry. So I resolve to do it now, before it is too late, I wind my arm back and punch my right thigh as hard as I can, this isn’t a weak hit, this is a punch, I throw all of my strength behind it. On contact the pain blossoms, sharp at first and then dull and persistent, there is already a red mark. I am observing the dappled red skin and pressing at it causing more little pricks of sharp pain to shoot down my leg. 

I don’t know how long I do this but after a while I notice I don’t feel like crying anymore, in fact I feel a lot better. It’s really a good thing, this bruise will last a while, I will be able to press on it for days to feel the pain instead of having to do it again. I get up, brush my teeth, drink some water, and crawl back into bed once again wrapping myself around Harry, stroking Rusty’s soft fabric a few times where he is clutched in Harry’s arms. I am relieved Haz didn’t wake up and I quickly drift off to sleep again. 

We have one more day off so we didn’t set an alarm. Instead we wake up slowly as the sun bathes us from the balcony doors. I don’t know when we cross from asleep to awake but I am now on my back with Harry laying on my chest as I stroke the back of his neck lightly. 

When he sits up and starts talking about tea, I can’t help but bring up last night. I was so good and didn’t laugh then but I have to tease him now. Imitating his bizarre display I flop dramatically on my stomach and bury my head in the pillow, letting out a muffled shout, “Noooooo. I want to blow you Louis!”

Harry retorts, “Shut it! You little ball licker!” Totally shocked I roll back over on my back and let out loud peels of laughter mixing with Harry’s own, filling our room and the whole flat with a little more life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think. Get ready for some Leeds Festival fun in the next chapter ;)


	7. Rock Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a little over a week we are releasing our first single and performing on Red or Black, which is exciting and all but right now the most exciting thing is tonight. Tonight with Lou. Me and Louis. I’m going to properly lose my virginity tonight. I lightly brush my knuckle against the back of his hand and he looks over at me smiling.
> 
> TW: Anxiety

_ “We really started to love our flat, slowly turning it into a space that suited us. Well Harry did it, he is better at that stuff than me.” _

_ “You helped by leaving your stuff scattered literally everywhere.” _

_ “Yeah, but you love me anyway babe” _

_ “We barely got anytime in the flat though, immediately we started working on the first album. We recorded some in London, but also LA and Sweden.” _

_ “It felt like we were always getting back or leaving, barely stringing together more than a week at a time at home. And being so busy it was hard to make it home to see our families, especially since that usually meant being apart, we just didn’t have enough time to go together.” _

_ “You would want to go together?” _

_ “Yeah, that’s what we do now, spend a few days off with Haz’s family and then my family the next time. Or we get everyone together in the same place.” _

_ “So do you visit your families separately?” _

_ “Well yeah, if one of us is out of town.” _

_ “But being around each other all the time for work and living together, it is still difficult to separate?” _

_ “It’s almost impossible, it is impossible right now, as you know….” _

_ “It’s okay Haz, I’m not going anywhere. Look it is weird to be with the person you love all the time but constantly being on guard, criticized, attacked… It’s stressful. When we have time off we want to just be together and feel like a normal couple.” _

_ “I can respect that. So there was clearly a change at some point, what happened? When did your management become aware of the relationship.” _

_ “Bitter sweet isn’t it Lou?” _

_ “Yeah, it started with going to the Leeds Festival, it was amazing but the aftermath was terrible.” _

1

Louis and I are spending a lazy day laying in bed drinking tea and watching crap tv. We were supposed to have two days off and go see our families but an interview got scheduled last minute for tomorrow. I’m bummed about, I think Louis is more upset though, he doesn’t talk about it but he misses his sisters. He tries to talk to them every night but sometimes our schedule is crazy and it doesn’t work, always bums him out. 

But, we are making the best of our quiet day, just the two of us. We have the balcony doors open as it is a hot July day. Right now Louis is out on the balcony having a cigarette. He looks so beautiful in the sun, always has. When the light hits him right his delicate features pop as the hollows of his cheek are cast in shadow. And his eyes change color, the blue brighter and less stormy.

He walks back in the room, carrying his tea, catching me staring at him, he smiles as he sits back on the bed. There is something I want to ask him and I am contemplating if now is the right time. 

It must be obvious something is on my mind because he reaches forward and strokes my cheek, “What is it, beautiful?”

When he looks at me like this, with so much love and care, I feel like I’m the one standing in the sun. Soaking up his light, I find the courage to ask, “Do you want to have sex?”

He chuckles and cups my cheek with his hand, “We just did like twenty minutes ago and when we woke up this morning. But I mean… sure.”

He obviously didn’t quite understand what I meant. I start clarifying before I get too embarrassed, “No, not like right now, I mean do you want us to have like… penetrative sex..? Because I want to.”

A look of genuine shock crosses his face and he puts his tea down on the nightstand and leans back against the headboard. Immediately knowing what he wants I crawl over and sit in his lap letting him wrap me in his arms. 

His voice is a little pinched when he speaks, “That is like a big thing, if we want to do that there is a lot we need to figure out and discuss. I don’t want you to make this decision lightly.” 

“I have been thinking about it a lot, I’m not making it lightly.”

“Okay, then we can, if that's what you want,” his voice has become really quiet. “I just want us to like... it might sound dumb but research how to ummm do it right and like be prepared.”

“I think that is a good idea, maybe make it special too?” 

“Yeah, that would be good.”

“But I don’t want to wait too long. I actually have an idea…”

“When are you thinking?” he asks, I can feel his hands getting a bit cold and clammy against my skin. Instinctively I incase them in my hands trying to warm them up. I guess this conversation is making him nervous. 

Feeding off of his energy I am getting nervous and feel myself go red as I speak, I just want to get this out and then he can tell me what he thinks. “I was thinking maybe the Leeds Festival, and I know we haven’t really talked about it before… and I am open to anything… but I kind of feel like I want to bottom…” Still cupping his hands in mine I cover my eyes with both of our hands and turn back to face him peaking a little. 

He lets out a long sigh and nods his head, “yeah that's what I want too, like I would really rather top.” He is really pale and a little short of breath. 

“Boo Bear, are you okay?” 

“Umm yeah sorry. I just. Umm sorry I just really need to wee, hate to kill the moment, but I'll be right back.” He is still so quiet, like he barely has enough oxygen to speak.

“Okay.” I scoot out of his lap, watching as he leaps up and rushes for the bathroom. He seems really off, I will ask when he gets back. I try to turn my attention back to the tv but I can’t help but worry, he has been in there longer than normal. 

Eventually the door opens and when I am just about to ask what’s wrong he beams at me and scoops his laptop off the dresser. “Leeds is next month, we need to do some research,” he bounces over and flops on the bed next to me settling the laptop in his lap.

“Yeah, okay, so you are happy about this?” I ask as a cuddle into his side so I can see the computer screen.

“Baby, I’m thrilled, this… you are amazing.” He turns his head and gives me a peck on my nose. 

He starts a google search, “How to have anal sex for the first time.” So pragmatic, this one. As we comb through articles and diagrams…. Yes he finds diagrams, my eyes are drawn to the dark bruise below his knee that appeared a few days ago. It is not fading as fast as it should be, I reach down and lightly stroke it, Louis lets out a little hiss of pain. “Did you bump this again Lou? It looks like it got worse not better?”

“Oh yeah, I ran into the coffee table again last night. Hurt like a bitch.”

“You gotta be more careful love,” I lightly scold and then kiss his cheek. 

2

The last month has been a blur but I want this weekend to last forever. Right now I am floating in blissful anticipation, I am walking with Lou towards the next act, milling through tons of people, our wellies squelching in the mud. 

In a little over a week we are releasing our first single and performing on Red or Black, which is exciting and all but right now the most exciting thing is tonight. Tonight with Lou. Me and Louis. I’m going to properly lose my virginity tonight. I lightly brush my knuckle against the back of his hand and he looks over at me smiling. 

We aren’t completely acting like a couple in public because we aren’t fully out yet. But we feel comfortable cuddling a little in public and dancing together at clubs if everyone is drinking and we don’t touch too much. We figure this way it won’t be that weird when we come out. And management doesn’t seem to mind. They actually have encouraged us to lean into the bromance saying that it’s cute and people like it. Apparently it is good to have the oldest looking out for the youngest and it makes us seem available but not too desperate for attention. Whatever that means.

As we move through the crowd we get stopped by fans occasionally and pose for pictures but eventually we make it to the stage we are looking for to see Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros and meet up with Louis’ friend Mike and some of their other friends.

Once our group is together we move from stage to stage seeing amazing acts and having a blast. We continue to meet fans but they are very sweet and don’t keep us too long so we can get back to our group. Mike teases Louis every time, laughing hysterically at the idea of Louis having fans. 

After a while this started to bother me so I threw an arm over Lou’s shoulder and snapped back, “and why wouldn't Louis have fans?” Making him blush and Mike laugh harder. Louis assures me it's okay and he doesn’t mind but I still don’t like it. 

Once the last show of the night wraps up we decide to head over to the silent disco still bursting with excitement and energy. On the way we stop so Louis, Mike, and the other guys Josh and Luke can buy drinks. I stand out of the way, waiting. Louis returns first with two beers handing one to me. I look around and no one seems to be paying much attention to us, so I whisper in his ear, “Thanks Boo,” and then quickly kiss his cheek. 

When I pull back Louis is smiling at me and reaches forward grabbing my empty hand and gives it a squeeze. At this moment we hear a little shout, “Harry! Louis!” Lou quickly drops my hand as we turn to greet the fans. Hopefully, they didn’t notice, although it's unlikely.

Once we make it to the silent disco our beers are empty and Louis buys two more, but as he hands it to me he whispers, “not too much, we need our minds clear for later.” I nod in agreement. We eagerly grab headphones and dance staying on the outskirts. We continue to meet people and have a blast dancing with them, Mike and the other boys aren’t teasing anymore as girls flock to our little group, giving them plenty of people to dance with. Buzzing a little from two beers on an empty stomach I lose myself in the music, dancing with random girls but if anyone gets too touchy Lou is there cutting in and dancing with me instead. I do the same for him, we try not to touch but a few times I become aware of the fact my hands are resting on his hips or that we have moved really close together just inches apart. But in the party atmosphere no one seems to mind. 

Eventually we are all worn out and our feet hurt from walking, standing, and dancing all day. The five of us make it back to our tents, on the way Louis and I put beanies on and pull up our hoods, trading jumpers with each other, so we don’t have the same ones we have been wearing all day. We want some privacy this evening, definitely don’t want a bunch of people knowing where our tent is or interrupting us. 

We pull our coolers out and set up a fire with the other boys, we cook hotdogs to put something other than beer in our stomachs. The other guys are a lot drunker than we are, so conversation isn’t great. Lou and I kind of zero in on each other and get lost in our own world, goofing off, both trying to ignore our building nerves. 

3

Harry is sitting with his leg pressed up against mine, we are baking in the heat of the fire, I would really like to take my hood down, but we are trying to be anonymous. The other boys are really starting to get annoyed. It is weird to be mostly sober around my drunk friends. Normally I would be right there with them laughing at nothing and carrying on nonsensical conversations, but not tonight. Tonight is about me and Harry. 

Eventually Luke pulls out some weed and starts to roll a joint, Harry and I decline to smoke and Mike rags on me for being a wuss. I flip him off and grab a beer out of the cooler, passing it back and forth with Harry. 

“You two are so cute,” Josh teases when he spots us sharing a drink, pressed up against each other. Luke and Mike start laughing. I haven’t told them Harry and I are together. I kind of thought Mike would have figured it out on his own since he spent a week skiing with us. Haz and I shared a room with one bed even though it wasn’t necessary. But Mike is oblivious. 

“I would think you two are fucking if I didn’t know you weren’t a fag,” Mike say tactlessly. 

I flinch at the word and Harry presses closer into my side. “Mike stop being an ass whole,” I retort angrily, not even trying to play it off. 

“Whatever,” Luke says, “he is just teasing, don't be so sensitive Louis.” 

“Yeah don’t be a pussy,” Mike adds slurring his words a little, “Come on guys let’s go share this weed with some birds and get laid. I’m afraid you will have to work for it tonight Louis, Hannah isn’t here.”

“Don’t be a twat, I haven’t been with her in years and I’m staying here!” I’m shouting now and my arms are crossed tightly, I am preventing myself from jumping up and getting in his face. I don’t want to completely lose my cool. But why did Mike have to go and bring up my girlfriend from three years ago, on tonight of all nights? 

Luke and Josh have already walked away a little looking at us uncomfortably not wanting to get involved in this. 

“You’ve changed Louis,” Mike spits. “C’mon Harry, lets go.”

“I’m staying here,” Harry mumbles looking uncomfortable. 

Mike turns on his heels and as he walks away he yells, “Whatever fags!” In an instant I am lunging to my feet and moving towards Mike, hands balled in fists. 

A hand quickly grabs my shoulder stopping me. At Harry’s touch all of the anger drains out of me and I just feel hurt. He turns me around and wraps me in a warm hug, “Don’t worry about it love, he is drunk. I’m sure he will be sorry in the morning.” Harry keeps talking as I relax into his embrace, “Let him go be a pissed dickhead somewhere else. Tonight is about us.”

I look around and no one seems to be looking at us and we are disguised in the dark, so I lock my lips with Harry. We stand there snogging in the open by the fire under the night sky. As I lose myself in his soft lips all of the shit with my friends fades away and I start to focus on what Harry and I are about to do. As soon as I think of it I bite down on Harry’s lip and he slips his hand under my shirt, raking his nails down my back. 

I grab the back of his head, knocking his hood down, frustrated that his hat is keeping me from tangling my fingers in his hair. He moves down and starts sucking and biting at my neck forcing a moan out of me. Hearing this brings me back to reality for a moment and I realize both of our hoods have fallen down, I feel exposed. It’s dark but there are a lot of fires around so it isn’t that dark. 

“Come on baby, in the tent,” I say pulling back from Harry and gently leading him by the elbow to our tent. We unzip it in a hurry and leave our boots outside. It is dark in here, but again not that dark so I can see pretty well. It is a small tent but earlier we laid out our sleeping bags, unzipping them both completely so we can lay on one and cover ourselves with the other. We also have some pillows and Rusty is tucked in only his head poking out from the sleeping bag. Harry put him there so he could “take a nap,” which made me fond a little at how cute he is. I love that really soft and innocent side of him. 

I glance at Harry, he is not soft and innocent right now. I cue him by stripping out of my clothes pants and all, shoving them to the corner of the tent. He does the same and we lay down, on our sides facing each other, kissing and exploring bare skin with our fingertips until we are both hard. 

Harry looks at me a little anxiously. “We don’t have to do this if you aren’t ready, Hazza.”

“I want to, I’m just nervous,” he answers. 

“I’m nervous too,” I tell him, offering a smile which he mirrors, “you remember the word? Just say it and we stop.”

“Yeah, I remember. Let’s do this.” I give him a kiss and reach under the pillow where I stashed our supplies. I toss the wet wipes to the side for afterwards and open the condom box, removing one and setting it nearby. 

Harry is laying on his back staring at me, my heart is pounding and my dick is hard seeing him splayed out like this waiting for me. But I’m also so nervous, I really don’t want to hurt him. I crawl up between his legs holding up my own weight on my elbows as I kiss him. At first the kiss is hesitant but eventually his mouth opens up to me, falling into our normal rhythm. I shift my weight and reach down and drag my finger up the length of his stiff cock making him shiver. 

“Ready?” he nods and lets out a soft moan. I grab a pillow and move back down between his legs, as he plants his feet on the ground, knees up. I tap his bum and he lifts up and rests back down on the pillow I placed under his lower back. 

I grab the bottle of lube and try to flip the cap open but my hands are shaking so bad I’m struggling. We both giggle at my predicament, lightening the mood and calming me down enough I stop shaking. Bottle now open I squeeze some into my hand and dip my finger into it. As my hand starts to move down, Harry sucks in air sharply in anticipation. He is stunning, curls splayed across the pillow making a small halo around his head. In the dark his pupils are so wide there is only a little bit of green showing. He is biting his bottom lip and his cock is stiff against his stomach leaking precum. 

As soon as I start moving my finger around his rim he starts moaning again, I make sure I get a lot of lube around his hole and on my fingers. I look up and make eye contact with him as I slowly slide my finger inside. “Louis,” he groans. He feels so tight and hot around my finger, I start to gently move my finger around slowly stretching him a little. 

I wait for him to tell me he is ready and eventually he nods at me and asks, “another.” I make sure there is plenty of lube and then slip a second finger inside along the first. At this he starts groaning non-stop. I gently start moving my fingers up and down, until he is more stretched. The feel of him around my fingers is killing me with anticipation of getting my dick inside him. But I try to push that out of my mind. I need to be focused to make sure he is comfortable and not hurting too much. 

Once my two fingers are moving comfortably I start to scissor them, stretching him more. “Another,” he groans, “Please!” I slip in my third finger and he starts wiggling and whimpering. I stay still until he nods at me and then I start pumping my fingers. At one point he gasps when I pump my fingers in, “Right there, right there, please,” he is a complete mess begging me as his hands dig into the sleeping bag underneath him. I keep hitting that spot repeatedly watching him come apart, my own cock spewing precum and twitching occasionally. 

“Louis get in me.” He pants out between moans. He doesn’t have to tell me twice. I remove my fingers and he cries out.

“Just one moment love, I’ll be right there.” I grope around for the condom, tearing the package open and putting it on. I use a generous amount of lube to prep my cock and then I lower myself down over Harry lining my tip up with him, slowly touching it to his rim. 

What I am about to do washes over me and I look up at him locking our eyes as I slowly push in, both of us letting out long moans at the sensation. When I am all the way in, I stay still so he can adjust. The sensation of him squeezing around me is euphoric on its own without any friction. After a moment Harry nods his head and I slowly start moving back and forth inside of him. Harry is a beautiful mess under me, whimpering and crying out in pleasure, a few tears streaming out of his eyes. I pick up the speed a little and I am already on the edge of finishing, the heat building up in my abdomen threatening to explode out into my whole body. I quickly move a hand to Harry’s cock, it is already slick with lube so I easily start pumping him in pace with my movements. 

His eyes snap wide open, “Gonna come.” Then he is, his legs are shaking and he looks completely blissed out. One more pump and my own pleasure takes me, warmth filling my body. 

When we are both done I pull out, remove the condom. One look at Harry laying completely limp, eyes half closed, tells me he isn’t moving anytime soon. I grab the wet wipes and warm a few in my hands before cleaning us up. I track down our pants, slide mine on, and help Harry pull his on. I have to gently coax him to move enough to get under the sleeping bag. When he is settled I join him and spread our extra blanket over us. 

I snuggle up behind him, slipping Rusty into his arms, “Did you like that Haz?”

“Yes, was great. So tired.” 

“Okay beautiful, go to sleep. You did so good.” 

“Sing please.” 

“Of course love,” I smile into his curls at his request and then start singing a love song about being home we heard performed earlier today. He has passed out by the end of the song and as soon as the last notes leave my mouth I drift off with him. No nightmares tonight, just peaceful dreamless sleep. 

In the morning Mike apologizes but I don’t really care anymore, I’m too happy, so I let it go. Harry and I are giddy all day, I feel like I am floating and I fuss over Harry every time he winces, he is a bit sore. We spend another night in the tent, a little less exciting but still cozy and head home the following afternoon. 

4

The voice in my ear sounds so far away, I can barely focus. I am so afraid. I just had the best weekend of my life and now my world is crashing down around me. When we got home last night we got a calendar update, today’s rehearsal was pushed back and Louis and I, just us, were scheduled for a meeting at the Syco offices. 

We both immediately knew that was not good and as exhausted as we were from the festival we barely slept and drug ourselves to the office this morning. It took five minutes of consoling for Louis to get me out of the car and inside. We were immediately ushered into a small meeting room with a screen on the wall, a laptop already hooked up to the projector. The receptionist brought us tea, and Louis pulled my chair as close to his as he could and held my hand securely while gently rubbing circles on my back. We are still in the same position and he is whispering sweet encouragement in my ear, “Whatever it is, we will be okay Hazza. It is going….” My focus is slipping in and out. 

The door opens and Louis drops my hand and stops rubbing my back as he startles a little. Simon and Jim are walking in. “Might as well keep holding his hand Louis,” Jim says sharply. Lou’s hand slips back into mine. 

“So boys, have a good time at the festival?” Simon asks. I am not sure if the question is rhetorical but he looks at us anticipating an answer. We both nod our heads. 

Louis braves a question, “What’s going on?” 

“Oh what is going on? Why don’t you tell me boys?” Jim retorts fiddling with the computer.

“Boys, I know you are new to all of this but mistakes were made over the weekend. There was an ambitious pap following you around on Friday, did you notice?” I can tell Simon is trying very hard to sound kind instead of angry. 

I shake my head and Louis answers, “No.” A slideshow of pictures comes up on the screen. The first image is of me kissing Louis on the cheek as he hands me a beer, immediately followed with an image of the next moment, Lou squeezing my hand. It gets worse. The next few images are of us dancing together, hands on each other's hips, standing close together. But the last images are the most incriminating. As soon as I see them tears start streaming out of my eyes and Louis starts rubbing my back again. The first is us hugging, you can’t really tell it is us because we have our hoods up. In the next few images the hooded figures are kissing but in the last image, I am sucking a hickey into Louis' neck and both of our hoods are down.

Seeing my distress, Louis says, “That is quite enough.”

“Oh no, there is more,” Jim says clicking through several images of us getting into our tent. Then a five second video clip comes up. My heart drops. 

As soon as it starts playing, I start crying harder, hiccupping, trying not to sob as I hear the sounds of Louis and I moaning play in this impersonal conference room. 

“Enough,” Louis snaps. 

“Now boys…” Simon starts.

“I’m sorry, just one second Simon,” Louis interrupts clearly trying to sound polite but there is steel in his voice. He turns to me and cups my face in his hands and places his forehead against mine, closing off the rest of the room. He starts swiping my tears away with his thumbs and whispering, “Calm down for me baby. I am right here with you. I love you Harry. I love you so much.”

I know that Jim and Simon can hear us but Louis doesn’t care. He is fully focused on calming me down so I try for him. “I love you too,” I splutter as I try to settle my breathing. 

“I’m with you,” he whispers over and over as he pulls me into him, rubbing my back, and letting me press my face into his shoulder. I am starting to calm down, promising myself I can cry as much as I need to later. I need to try to be strong right now, I still have a few tears streaming but the hiccupping and muffled sobs have tapered off leaving me with a new problem. I put too much strain on my airways and now they feel tight, I am starting to struggle to take in enough oxygen. As I pull back from Louis his hand is already digging in our bag, pulling out my inhaler and handing it to me. I take a puff followed by a few deep breaths, calming more as my airway opens. 

I look back toward Simon and Jim, I feel humiliated in so many ways. I have just sat here crying like a baby, these photos make me feel so stupid for not realizing we were being watched, and worst of all an audio clip of me having sex with my boyfriend was just played. Simon slides a box of tissues to me which I accept, wiping my nose. 

Simon nods at Louis, “boys, we have questions for you but first I want you to know what we just showed you was sold to a tabloid but they reached out to us first and we were able to get it squashed. This is not going to get out. But based on what I just saw I’m going I am led to believe this wasn’t a weekend fling. So please start at the beginning and tell me the truth about your relationship.”

I look at Louis and he nods his head and then starts talking, outlining our relationship without much detail. He tells them we started dating during X-Factor and that the only people who know are the boys and our parents and siblings.

Simon nods, “okay, well congratulations on your relationship, it seems like you two are good for each other. I need to make it clear that we cannot and will not tell you to not be in a relationship, we do not control your private lives.” I nod, this sounds good, maybe this won’t be too bad. 

Then Jim starts talking and my heart drops again, “But based on the contracts you already signed, we do control your public image and this is not going to work,” Simon coughs pointedly, “publicly, this will not work publicly.”

“Are you saying that we can’t come out? That is something we want to do eventually,” Louis butts in.

“You will not be coming out while you are under this contract Mr. Tomlinson.”

“That is not right, there is no way you can do that to us, this can’t be legal!” Louis is getting angry, he is trying to stand up for us. I wish I had the strength to join him but I am just in shock, frozen in place.

Jim responds, “It is, you have already signed for this, it is binding, and you can and will be sued if you go against this.” Simon is sitting back while Jim talks, letting him play the bad cop. “This type of arrangement is way more common than you know, that is why it was already built into the language of your contract. All of the points about public image, branding, and public relationships, this falls under that. A lot of the band's popularity is based on you being teenage heartthrobs, the girls love you. So clearly it can’t be known that two of you are together. You could ruin this band, do you want to do that?”

“But the band….”

Jim cuts Louis off, making him tighten his grip on my knee., “Not to mention how unsavory it will be to a lot of people. Homosexuality is not actually as widely accepted as people would like you to believe. And even if this was a heterosexual relationship the age difference alone is a PR nightmare, I mean this started at 16 and 18? 17 and 19 is bad but that is even worse.”

My head snaps up and I look at Louis, this has actually shut him up, he is staring at his lap. He removes his hand from my knee and starts pressing at a bruise on his arm that he somehow got during rehearsal last week. I finally feel less numb and shocked, my temper flares. I stare Jim down and speak clearly, infusing my voice with confidence I’m borrowing from Lou. “At the age of 16 I was completely within my rights under the law to give consent. You will not imply that my boyfriend took advantage of me in any way.” When I’m done I reach over and snatch Louis’ hand away from his bruise, obviously some kind of nervous tick, and intertwine my fingers with his. I squeeze his hand firmly and he squeezes back. 

I feel a bit more confident. We are united, ready to take this on together. 

“No one means to imply that Harry,” Simon says, shooting a warning look at Jim. “We have a plan and we will create an agreement together on how we will approach this,” Simon says. 

“First, we need distance between you in the media and in public.... 

_ “The bargaining began, Louis did most of the arguing but we made decisions together and I backed him up. Both parties gave some and gained some. This set the tone for how we would handle things going forward. When we wanted something we had to be ready to give something else up or if they wanted something they needed to give us something in return.” _

_ “That sounds intense.” _

_ “It was, it was honestly exhausting. And we agreed to things we shouldn’t have in desperate situations.” _

The bargaining went way past the scheduled time, in fact it lasted all day and we completely missed rehearsal. When everything was settled we were told a memo would be prepared and sent to the boys and everyone on our team.

Louis and I are making our way back to the car in a daze. We haven’t spoken since we left the conference room but when we reach the relative privacy of the car we start planning. I text the boys and ask them to come over when they are done with their day. Then we do the hardest part, we call our mums, speaking to each of them together. We explain the situation, leaving out the part about the audio clip and confirming they will not tell anybody about our relationship.

Both mums are very concerned and upset about the situation. My mum starts crying but Louis abruptly ends the conversation because he sees I am about to crack again. 

“Later baby, we need to talk to the lads, then it will be just us,” Louis tells me, reaching across the car and grabbing my hand. I just nod and squeeze his hand. I am completely gutted, I feel empty and heartbroken, embarrassed and ashamed, but mostly shocked. Lou is of course solid and gentle, supporting me. I know he is upset but he is not going to show it, he is being strong for me. 

“Thank you, I love you so much Lou,” I say as my gratitude bubbles over. 

“What are you thanking me for?” Louis asks with genuine confusion. 

“For being so strong for us, for holding me up and fighting for us,” as I say this a few tears roll down my cheek but I manage to keep more from falling. Louis bites his lip and inhales roughly keeping a tight hold on his composure, he squeezes my hand and gives me a little nod. 

When we make it back to the apartment complex the boys are already back and we end up over at Liam’s instead of ours. They have ordered food in and are waiting for us clearly aware that something is wrong. While we eat Louis explains the situation. Everyone is shocked and upset. 

Dinner is pretty quiet after that. The reality of the contracts we all signed and the control over our lives we have given up is dawning on all of us. After the food was gone, both Louis and I barely ate, everyone insisted it's not rude for us to leave early and to go get some rest.

_ “How did you feel that evening?” _

_ “Devastated.” _

_ “Powerless.” _

_ “We just crawled in bed and I cried while Louis held me until I fell asleep.” _

_ “We gave ourselves 24 hours to be upset then we agreed to try to make the best of things and move forward.” _

_ “It was hard but we couldn’t stay so upset forever, we had to learn how to navigate our lives with this new obstacle. And we did a pretty good job.” _

_ “Yeah, we actually have always tried to make the best of things. It isn't like we were miserable all the time. But we were frustrated a lot.” _

_ “Your response is very mature, I am impressed. What did you agree to that day?” _

_ “No more ‘bromance’ and touching and stuff in interviews or in public. It needed to be clear to the public that our relationship is platonic. We are terrible at this leading to being told off a lot and humiliating media training sessions.” _

_ “But we did get them to agree that we could be ourselves when only our team was around.” _

_ “There was a lot of talk about how to make us appear straight. This is what was discussed for most of the day. Louis drove a hard bargain. Ultimately we ended up with a solution neither party was comfortable with.” _

_ “To say the least. They wanted to give us beards and stunts and stuff.” _

_ “I think a lot of people would think Lou is the jealous one on our relationship but I get so much more jealous than him…. I love you baby, I will forever be grateful for what you did for me that day.” _

_ “What did he do?” _

_ “We agreed to let them give me fake relationships and stuff but refused for Louis to do so. There could be rumors about him but no stunts…. I couldn’t and still can’t cope with the idea of him with anyone else, even if it is fake.” _

_ “But because of this they were allowed to go crazy with Haz’s image, making him into some kind of crazy womanizer with no discrimination.” _

_ “How was that for you Louis?” _

_ …. _

_ “Look it was hard for both of us, I hated doing the stunts and answering absurd interview questions about my “relationships” with women all the time. But hands down it was harder for Louis, no doubt about it.” _

_ “Thank you Harry. Louis, can you tell me what it was like for you?” _

_ “Fine. It was fucking terrible. It made me so angry, watching Harry forced into these uncomfortable situations and I hated the way people talked about him and to him because of his fake reputation… And it broke my heart, tore me to pieces being constantly inundated with articles about my boyfriend out with other people. Pictures of him leaving hotels and kissing people. Even though it was fake it made me feel so upset, hurt, and insecure. I was so mad, I am still so mad. Not at Harry, it’s not his fault. I am mad at the people who made us do these things.” _

_ “Thank you for sharing that Louis.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you think.


	8. Through the Dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With sassy little Louis on my back all warm and cuddled into me I feel so complete and happy, all the shit from last night feels so small now. So I add quietly for Lou to hear, “I’m taken forever.” I can feel his smile on my neck and butterflies take flight in my stomach.
> 
> This chapter features the One Direction performance on Red or Black, the release of What Makes You Beautiful, and a very intense media training session.
> 
> TW: Self-harm, cutting, homophobia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello. Here is the next chapter, it starts off fluffy but then it is all angst, sorry!

_ “As distressing as everything was, there was not a lot of time to dwell on it.” _

_ “The single was about to come out and we were performing it on Red or Black the night before.” _

_ “We worked hard, interviews, rehearsing the song, and filming the intro for our performance on the show. I was exhausted.” _

_ “We would get home late every night and just collapsed.” _

1

A car picked the five of us up this morning, really early, we have a long day before the telly performance tonight. I woke up this morning with a pit in my stomach, I am inexplicably nervous. We did this so much on X-Factor, it is basically the same as one of the live shows. But this feels different, we aren’t fighting for our chance we are trying to prove that we deserve the chance we got. 

Louis of course noticed immediately that I am struggling with my nerves. That is how I have found myself in his lap in the car, gentle fingers massaging my scalp while he chatters excitedly, joking around to keep the mood light.

We are crawling through London traffic and Louis is pointing out silly things about people in the cars around us and making up stories about them. As nervous as I am I can’t help but laugh along with everyone.

“Look at this bloke! Just gonna stick my finger up my nose, I’m in my car, no one can see me right. Oh look I found something, let me just dig that out… Oh shit! Now what do I do with this?” Louis is pointing out someone in traffic next to us aggressively picking his nose. 

“Oh my god! He is eating it!” Niall shouts. In response Liam starts making loud gagging noises, and we all start rolling with laughter. 

Paul, our favorite bodyguard is sitting shotgun next to the driver. He turns back to us suppressing his own laughter, “boys, lets calm down a little. You are supposed to be warming up.” When his eyes fall on me in Louis’ lap he smiles fondly, he has really been great to us this past week since everyone was informed about our relationship. He even pulled us aside and told us that he is here for us and that no matter what we should never feel ashamed of who we are. 

Louis looks at Paul, winks and then gestures to another car, singing, “What is she doing? Whoooo is she talking toooo?” This elicits another round of laughter, Paul joining in this time. We pass the rest of the drive singing out our observations, trying to see who can make the others laugh the hardest, extra point if you crack Paul up. Automatic win if you make the driver laugh, which Liam finally does by making up a sad ballad about an irritated driver with obnoxious teenagers in his car.

By the time we pile out of the car at the venue my nerves are almost gone. All five of us are flush with excitement, giggling and shoving each other in the parking garage waiting for our team to meet us. We are in private so Louis and I start entertaining the boys by pinching each other’s cheeks and calling each other the most ridiculous pet names we can come up with while teasing each other, all in good fun.

“Kitten,” I call Lou, which isn’t funny I guess, just makes everyone coo.

Always competitive Louis goes in hard, “my little snuggle butt,” making the boys giggle.

I blush as he smacks my ass, “aren’t you so cute and tiny? My baby smurf.” I have been growing and am now noticeably taller than Lou, all of us are. We tease him mercilessly because it always gets a rise out of him. 

Everyone laughs and Louis starts to get embarrassed and irritated. “Aww little guy, so adorable when he’s angry,” Zayn teases. 

Louis stares at me, I know I’m gonna get it now, he will come up with something humiliating. “Aww baby cakes, you haven’t been to the loo in a while, do you need the potty?” To the band’s annoyance I am always the first to ask for a bathroom and have to go the most frequently, not my fault I have a tiny bladder. But there have been some embarrassing moments I will never live down where I have had to resort to holding myself and doing a potty dance like a toddler. 

As anticipated this does get quite a lot of laughs, especially from Paul because he is the one who usually has to accompany me to find a restroom. Louis is really in for it, I’m pulling out the big guns, a very private name. I catch him in my arms and say, “come here little ball licker.” 

Louis turns bright red and his eyebrows shoot up before he lets out a loud burst of laughter. 

“No! No! No!,” Liam is screaming while Niall shouts, “Too much information! Oh my god.” All five of us are completely hysterical now. I’m laughing so hard Louis is basically holding me up. 

We are so caught up we completely miss the team finally arriving until Jim is putting his hands on Louis’ and I’s shoulders, pulling us apart. “Break it up lover boys, that is quite enough of that, we are about to be in public.”

Louis stiffens and tenses under Jim’s touch, roughly pulling both of us away, out of his grip, “Don’t touch us, use your words,” he snaps. 

Now that everyone has arrived we start to move through the hectic day. The venue is packed with crew, performers, and their management teams. The five of us are assigned one small dressing room. But as soon as we enter we are immediately ushered out to rehearse on stage. Once we get to the wings we are instructed to wait as a few other acts do their rehearsals and staging. 

While we wait the dread starts to creep back in, the venue is so big, and there will be so many people watching at home too. What if we mess up? What if we mess up and it’s my fault? I have a big solo in this song, and it is our song, a new song, no one has heard it before. 

I am lost in this thought spiral when we are called out on stage and then things really get bad. As we start running through the song, I can’t get anything right and the more I mess up the more frustrated I get causing me to mess up more. At first I am just struggling with the blocking, I can’t hit my marks, moving in the wrong directions, and starting too early or too late. 

Every time I mess up we have to start and reset. I can’t believe myself right now, it’s not even hard, we don’t move that much. As we are about to restart for what feels like the hundredth time Liam pats me on the shoulder, “You know the vocals Harry, just focus on the movement and the singing will come on it’s own.” I nod my head, this makes sense, I am really worried about messing up my solo, maybe that is why I am all over the place. But we have rehearsed the vocals so much, it is rote memory I need to just let it happen.

I couldn’t have been more wrong. When we start running through, I do get the movements right but my singing is all over the place. I can tell that I am late on the group parts but I just can’t catch up. I can hear Louis’ voice desperately trying to cue me in on the right moments. He is even making sure to look over at me when I should start singing to give me a visual cue, but I just can’t get it right. I am such an idiot, why did I get myself in this situation? Why did I ever think I could do this? Everyone is counting on me and I am going to pieces. 

It is now time for me to attempt my solos, we are standing in a triangle formation, me in the front and center. I open my mouth to sing and the words leave my mind, I just freeze. We have to keep going because we need to run all the way through. I move around, but I can’t sing, it is like someone has glued my mouth shut I can’t open it. 

When we reach the end someone shouts, “We only have time for one more run, get some water and reset!” I wander backstage and try to press myself into a corner, I just want to disappear. My heart is pounding so fast, my hands are shaking, and I feel dizzy. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to get myself under control, a few tears rolling down my cheeks as I lose the battle. 

It feels like magic, Louis always shows up when I need him. He is here just as my tears start to fall, wrapping me in a warm hug, “None of that Haz, its okay.”

“No it’s not,” I whisper defeated. 

“It is, you can do this, just need to get out of your head, okay?” He pulls out of the hug and stands beside me, one hand firmly on my back. “Drink this,” he hands me the half finished water bottle he was holding and I drain it quickly. My tears have stopped, I’m not sure I feel better but I don’t feel alone. 

Louis keeps his hand on my back and leads me to the door I enter from. The other boys are there but they hang back a little, “Okay Hazza, look at me.” I move my eyes from my shoes to Louis and he is smiling at me encouragingly. “Let’s get a clean run through and we are going to smash it tonight.” He gives me another hug and whispers in my ear, “I love you cuddle butt.” I am chuckling before I can even try to stop myself and the music is starting, I am running on stage smiling, Lou is a little late making it to his entrance but other than that the run through goes perfectly. 

We are ushered back to the dressing room and Jim enters in a rage zeroing in on Louis and I. Louis looks at me in my fragile state, “Will you go find our bag please, I need my phone.” I nod appreciatively, knowing that if Jim told me off right now I would break down. 

“Harry, I need you too.”

I keep walking as Louis says, “He’s busy, what’s up Jimbo?” Little shit, he always has to poke the bear. I keep listening as I rummage around in our bag. 

“Don’t call me that. Why did I see you and Harry hugging backstage?”

“I don’t know, did you see that?” 

“Don’t be cheeky Louis.”

“Well if you did see us hugging it wouldn’t matter anyway all five of us hug all the time.” Louis then turns away from him and walks toward me saying, “Did you find my phone? I need to show you this great cat video I found last night.”

I can see Jim fuming behind Louis but he doesn’t look back, he walks straight to me and sweeps me into a long kiss. Jim storms out of the dressing room. 

“Umm Lou, I know he is being awful but maybe, you know, be careful,” Liam says. 

“Don’t worry about me Payno.”

2

I can hear the sound of our video playing and the crowd cheering. I glance over quickly at Harry waiting at the other entrance, he is staring at me, standing stock still, hands shaking. I make a kissy face at him and give him a thumbs up. He breaks out of his trance a little and smiles back. 

It has been a very long day of hurry up and wait. All the waiting around has made us all nervous but Harry most of all. I have been doing everything I can all day to keep him together as he has swung wildly between excitement and terror. 

It is almost time to enter and my own nerves are bubbling over. I take a few deep breaths and then start bouncing on the balls of my feet to get my energy up. The doors slide open and we sprint on stage followed by a bunch of girls. As soon as I start singing my nerves disappear. I am having so much fun, it is incredible to see the crowd so excited to hear us performing our own song, this is the dream. This is what we have been working for. Our moment, I want to soak it in and enjoy every second. Not to mention, we sound great, there is power and energy in our performance, it is playful and fun, exactly as it should be. 

My concerns for Harry are relieved once he makes it through his first two small solos with no problem. I don’t really think about it again until we form up for Harry’s big solo. I am behind him on the right and see as he lifts his microphone that his hand is shaking. My heart drops, he starts singing but he didn’t really take a breath before he started. I know before he does what is about to happen and I break out in a cold sweat. No, no, no. It isn’t a big deal but Harry will be devastated. 

As he is reaching the end he has no breath support, he is trying to take a breath but there is no room in the music. His voice gets quiet and fades in and out, he just doesn’t have enough air. When he is done he immediately looks to me sighing and shaking his head slightly. I give him an encouraging nod, it’s all I can do right now, I feel powerless to help him. But he steals himself, putting his performance smile back on and plows through the rest of the song. I know I have put on my own mask, going through the motions smiling but my mind is reeling. 

We get through the song, Harry catches a ticket and reads out a number, the girl steps forward and the color is revealed. He looks fine but he isn't, I can tell he is faking. We exit and pile into our dressing room. Our team is around us, the stylists, Paul, and everyone is giving us hugs, congratulating us on a good show. I hear Harry mumble “Wasn’t.”

Finally, everyone clears out so we can change. Harry is dead silent, he isn’t speaking to anyone including me. I need him to tell me what is going on in his head so I can help, but he isn’t letting me. He is Ignoring me, actually choosing to change in the bathroom. When we get in the car he asks to sit shotgun saying he isn’t feeling well. Paul piles in the back with us. 

I make a half hearted joke as Paul sits next to me, “This doesn’t mean you get to sit in my lap.” Everyone else laughs but I don’t have the heart to join them. I pass the car ride in a daze consumed with worry listening to Niall, Zayn, and Liam banter, jubilant after the performance. I am just staring at Harry in the front, boring holes in the back of his head. 

I see that he is using his phone so I send him a text.

Louis: I love you

Harry: I love you too

He responds immediately. I am about to text back but I see him put his phone in his pocket and lean back against the headrest. 

When we make it home, I let us in and close the door. He starts to walk away but I catch his wrist. “Hey baby, what’s up?” 

“Sorry Lou, I just want to be alone. I’m gonna go get a shower.” His voice is rough and he looks so despondent. My heart cracks, he doesn’t want me. 

“Okay, I will make us something hot to drink and be in in a little while.” He nods in response. 

I drag myself to the kitchen and collapse against the counter, resting my head in my hands. I have to fix this, it isn’t right for him to be upset. I just can’t stand it. I should have been better today, encouraging him more. I am sure I could have prevented this if I had tried harder. I failed him. He knows I failed him, that is why he doesn’t want me to comfort him.

The ringing of my phone catches my attention. It’s mum, I answer without thinking. 

“Hi honey, you guys did so great tonight! The girls will call you tomorrow but I made them go straight to bed after it was over.”

“Thanks mum, was it actually good?”

“It was great!”

“You didn’t notice anything going wrong?”

“Well.. I mean Harry struggled a little at that one part..”

“Shit.”

“But it wasn’t a big deal, it didn’t affect the performance over all.”

“I was hoping maybe no one noticed.”

“Oh Lou, is he okay?”

“I don’t know mum, he has closed himself off, won’t talk to me. I don’t know what to do.” 

“Aww sweetie, just let him have his space he will come to you when he is ready.”

“Okay, yeah.”

“Well I better get to bed, I have work tomorrow. Good night love.”

“Good night mum.”

The shower still hasn’t turned on and I don’t hear any noise from the bedroom. I was going to make tea but I think it is a hot chocolate night. I may not be able to cook worth a shit but I am the master of soothing beverages. I gather milk, chocolate chunks and sugar. I am straining my ears to hear any sounds from the bedroom, but there is nothing. I take my time making sure the drinks are perfect and then clean the kitchen and dishes when I am done, but still nothing.

I am trying to do the right thing and give him his space. But it has been like thirty minutes since I heard any sound of life. Fuck it. He has had enough time, I am going to check on him. I grab the mugs tuning all the lights off on my way. 

When I reach the bedroom it is dark so I flick the lights on with my elbow. What I see when they come on shatters the unbroken pieces of my heart. My sweet princess is sitting on the floor against the wall, knees pulled into his chest scrolling through his phone and silently sobbing. He doesn’t even look up when the lights come on. 

I set the mugs down on the dresser and approach him, kneeling in front of him. “Harry?” He still hasn’t acknowledged me so I reach forward and place a hand on his shoulder. 

Harry moves away causing me to withdraw my hand, “Leave me alone.”

“No Haz, I’m not going to do that. What are you doing?”

He looks up at me, tears still flowing but anger in his eyes, “I’m just reading Louis, is that not allowed?”

I knew he was mad at me, this is all my fault. “Ummm… I’m sorry but what are you reading?”

“The truth,” he says and then breaks into more sobs. He is already mad at me so I snatch the phone from his hand. “Louis! Give that back he shouts!” 

I stand up and look down at the screen, ignoring him. Oh no. Why would he do this? He is on Twitter, search term: “Harry Styles is shit”. With just a quick glance I see so many fowl things attacking his appearance, his voice, his personality, and even his family. 

Harry is now standing too, trying to grab the phone from me so I throw it across the room aiming for the bed, luckily I don’t miss, but I would buy him a new phone, I don’t really care about that right now. He moves to grab it off the bed but I catch him by the shoulders and hold him facing me. He could break out. I am not holding him hard enough to actually restrain him but he doesn’t. Instead he just looks at me with red rimmed green eyes.

“That shit is not the truth,” I am trying not to shout, but my voice is stern. 

Harry doesn’t try not to shout, “It is Lou! It is!”

“I’m telling you it isn’t Harry. You are incredible. You have an amazing voice and…”

He cuts me off, covering his hands with his ears and screaming, “STOP! Stop lying to me! Stop!”

“Harry Styles, I am not lying to you. I don’t lie to you.” Guilt washes over me, there is one thing I lie to him about, the bruises. He doesn’t respond this time, he is collapsing into himself, shaking with sobs. I gently lower him to the ground by elbow then kneel in front of him again, pulling him into my arms. He doesn’t fight me this time. 

I rub his back and hold him tightly letting him cry, “You are perfect Haz. Your green eyes are stunning. I love your dimples and your curls and so does everyone else. You drive me crazy with your perfect, sexy body. Remember when your six pack was trending? You are beautiful, princess. Your voice is incredible. It is so powerful and melodic. You are everything to me, you bring joy to my days. You are so gentle and sweet with everyone, even me when I am being an ass whole to everyone.” I keep listing off everything amazing about him while he cries it out. I can do this all night and never run out of things I love about him. 

Eventually the crying tapers off and he pulls out of my hug. “I’m so sorry I shouted at you Louis, I didn’t mean it, I love you.” he bursts into tears again.

I envelop him again in my arms, “No baby, it’s okay. Don’t apologize. I’m sorry I didn’t take better of you today,”

“You took great care of me,” he hiccups. 

“Let’s stop this crying now and get cleaned up.” He nods against my chest. 

I walk him into the bathroom and sit him on the counter. I start running a hot bath and wet a flannel with cool water at the sink, using it to wipe his face. I head back to the room and bring in our hot chocolates. We drink them while the bath is running. 

“It’s delicious, Lou. I didn’t know you could make hot chocolate.”

“I’m full of surprises, love.” I am trying to go for a joke but it comes out pinched, the guilt from earlier still bothering me.

Once the bath is ready I undress both of us and we climb into the bath together. Me behind Harry with him sat in between my legs. I wash his hair and then lean back pulling him down so he can lay on my chest. We lay like this for a long time.

Just as the water is starting to go cold Harry speaks, “Boo bear, you said you don’t lie to me?”

Oh shit. “Umm yeah.”

“Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure.”

“Sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night and get out of bed, where do you go?”

Fuck, he noticed? I just can’t share everything. I can’t, it’s not him, I just can’t talk about it. It is difficult but I give him as much as I can, “sometimes I have nightmares and I get up to clear my head before I go back to sleep.”

“About your dad?”

“Yes baby.” He doesn’t say anything else and I am grateful for that. We get out of the bath and climb into bed. I don’t even hope for dreamless sleep, there is no way I am getting that tonight.

I jolt awake, a familiar menacing voice in my ear, “Don’t tell anyone. You know what will happen.” I gasp and close my eyes clinging to Harry, like my life depends on it. 

I can’t stay here though, I have a problem, a huge problem. I just want to stay here where it is warm and safe, but I can’t. I jump up and dash to the bathroom. I don’t feel sick tonight, I have bypassed that and gone straight to hopelessness. I can’t let the worst happen, I can’t cry. 

I lean on the bathroom counter staring at my reflection in the mirror, I see my eyes fill with water, I’m desperately trying to stop it. Then I watch and feel as one tear rolls down my cheek. No, I can’t do this! I’m not in my bathroom, I am in a nasty motel with red walls. The bathtub next to me is filled with bloody water and my soiled clothing is piled in the corner. I look back in the mirror and see a different me, I’m dripping with water and crying hard. I’m alone. I’m so alone. 

No! No! No! I jam the heels of my hands in my eyes sockets before more tears can fall, it was just one tear. I’m not crying. I will not give in, I will not be that boy, I don’t want to be alone. Now the nausea appears, my stomach churning, I can’t even make it to the toilet, I just lean over and throw my hot chocolate up in the sink. Luckily I haven’t eaten since lunch, only liquid and stomach acid come up. 

Quickly, the distraction of vomiting is gone and the helplessness is back. I need to do something now. I can’t go there, I can’t be there. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I immediately move into a plan I prepared even though I promised I wouldn’t use it. But really a bruise just won’t do it tonight, it just won’t. I reach into the back of my bathroom drawer, fingers closing on the case of razor blades I stashed there. Quickly now, quickly. I shove the stack of bracelets on my left wrist up my arm and remove a blade with a shaking hand. I need to do this right, there is no way I can hide two cuts with a few bracelets. I touch the cool metal to the back of my wrist, using more pressure than instinct tells me too and drag it roughly across. 

Immediately the release I need comes to me as hot pain blossoms and red pours from my cut. I am transfixed savoring the ache and watching the blood drip down my arm and into the sink. I drop the blade and press a finger into the cut being rewarded with an intense sharp pain. I wince but I also sigh in relief, the panic is gone, I’m not going to cry.

3 

I woke up with a splitting headache from all of the crying last night. I quickly turn off the alarm. It is five in the morning and we need to be ready to leave at six. I glance over and see Louis is still asleep and he just looks tired. I’m just going to get up and pack all of our things and so he can sleep more. I still feel like shit. I feel so raw and disappointed in myself for so many reasons. For messing up, for reading all of that shit, for losing my shit, but most of all for yelling at my sunshine. I’m supposed to be the person who doesn’t yell at him and criticize him. He gets that enough at work. 

Once I have packed a bag with the things we need for a full day including breakfast and snacks, I make two teas to go then I wake Louis up so we can get dressed. He gets up without complaint but he still looks tired and he is moving sluggishly, barely speaking. 

Once we are dressed and waiting for the car I walk over to him and wrap him in my arms. I can’t stand seeing him like this. He is just standing by the door dead eyed staring off into the distance with a strained expression. I did this to him. “I’m so sorry about last night,” I tell him as I pull his body into mine. 

Something really must be off, he just leans into my cuddle seeking comfort, usually it is the other way around. After about a minute he straightens up and hugs me back, then plants a quick peck on my nose. “Nothing to be sorry about, I already told you that, Haz.”

“But you seem so upset this morning.”

“It’s not you.”

“Oh. I don’t want to intrude because you only just told me, but did you have a nightmare?” 

He sighs and then nods his head, “I did. But I don’t want to talk about it, if that’s okay?”

“Of course that’s okay, Kitten.”

“Besides I feel so much better now, my sweet boyfriend got everything ready this morning and let me sleep in, then he gave me the bestest most warmest hug ever, AND our band is releasing its first single today, I’m great!”

As he speaks the light returns to his eyes and I can almost see his body refilling with his characteristic boundless energy. My phone beeps and there is a text from Paul, they are here, I nod at Louis and smile, “Well I still want to make it up to you, want a ride to the car?”

Louis’ face cracks into a huge smile, he never turns down my piggyback rides, he absolutely loves them even if Zayn teases him about it. It is a little awkward but we manage it with Louis wearing the backpack and both of us precariously holding our cups.

We meet Niall in the lift and he whines, “Harry why don’t you ever carry me to the car?”

Louis sticks his tongue out at him and says, “get your own boyfriend,” then nuzzles his face into my neck making me grin. 

“Harry, will you be my boyfriend?” Niall teases. 

Without looking up Louis raises his free hand and flips Niall off. I just laugh and say, “sorry mate, I’m taken.” With sassy little Louis on my back all warm and cuddled into me I feel so complete and happy, all the shit from last night feels so small now. So I add quietly for Lou to hear, “I’m taken forever.” I can feel his smile on my neck and butterflies take flight in my stomach. 

We end up having an amazing day. The numbers are already looking really good for our song, it is selling well. We spend all day in and out of the car doing interviews for radio stations and news outlets. All the time in the car means plenty of time to be with Lou.

Today we are both all over each other, Louis trying to make sure I stay happy after I was so upset last night and me trying to take care of him because he slept poorly. As a result, we shower each other with attention while we orbit each other all day. We behave during interviews and keep our hands to ourselves but we try to complement each other whenever we can. 

This does get us into a little bit of trouble towards the end of the day so I vow to myself I will be on my best behavior for the last interview. But the numbers for the first day are amazing and we are all thrilled and it is a SugarScape interview and those always go off the rails. This one is no exception. 

All five of us head to Zayn’s flat to watch films and eat pizza when we are done for the day. We are way too excited to be apart, we want to celebrate together. Halfway through the first film we all receive a message from Jim telling us tomorrow morning we will have media training before we embark on more interviews. 

All of us groan, we have had a few media training sessions and they are always a bit of a joke. Most of it is pretty obvious: be polite, don’t cuss, don’t make rude comments, don’t sass the interviewer (Louis!), be young and playful, etc. 

The next morning when we enter the room that has been set aside for our lesson it is obvious this is going to be different. We usually squeeze these in in green rooms or at the recording studio but today we were brought to the Syco office and led to a conference room. I feel like my stomach is filled with rocks as I remember the last time we were in this room. I look desperately to Louis and he slips his hand in mine giving it a squeeze. 

Things become even more unusual when a woman we have never met walks in and assigns us seats at the table. We get assigned seats during interviews but not meetings. Of course Louis and I are sat as far away from each other as possible but at least I can see him pretty, the table is curved. And I am sitting next to Zayn which is always a good time. 

The new lady steps up to the front of the room standing by the projector screen. She is tall and thin, wearing a dark suit, all sharp angels with her blonde hair pulled into a tight bun. “Hello boys, my name is Melissa and I am to be your head of media relations.” 

We all greet her and introduce ourselves. She explains that we are going to review our SugarScape interview from yesterday and this is something we will do often. “You see it is important to learn from our mistakes, that way we don’t repeat them. With that in mind I want you to take notes.” Melissa hands each of us a legal pad and pen. I am starting to feel a bit uncomfortable about this, I thought that was our best interview yesterday, what was so wrong? I know it was a bit silly but it was meant to be. I eye Louis and he looks amused, he winks and blows me a kiss. I look around at the rest of the table and it seems like everyone is a little flabbergasted and not prepared to take this seriously. 

She presses play on the interview, starting with the group portion. We don’t even make it through the first question and she has paused at a moment where I am playfully resting the microphone on Louis’ cheek. I feel myself turning red, it was meant to be a joke but paused like this it is a bit obvious. 

“So Harry, can you explain what you are doing here?”

I turn even more red and glance around the table desperately, looking for someone to help me. Everyone is suffering second hand embarrassment so they are not meeting my eye, except Louis, who speaks, “It was a joke.”

“That is obvious Louis, Harry tell me what the joke was,” Melissa has a straight face and is a little intimidating. She is commanding not asking and that makes me feel a bit squirmy. It is becoming clear that she wants me to feel embarrassed.

“Umm it's because the microphone is…. Well it’s kind of like a… penis… so I put it on his face,” I feel like I am actually dying from humiliation. I know they don’t mean it maliciously but Niall starts to chuckle then Liam and Zayn join in. I feel myself actually shrinking in my seat, curling in on myself.

“Stop fucking laughing!” Louis shouts at them. 

“Mr. Tomlinson, watch your language. Liam, Niall, and Zayn this is not funny. Harry do you think that was an appropriate joke?” I just shake my head no. “Okay, then we won’t see it in future interviews, moving along.” .

This entire scene repeats itself again. We reach the point where the interviewer asks if Louis would cover his penis with a carrot in a nude photoshoot. I looked back at him and commented that a carrot wouldn’t cover it. 

Lou immediately jumps to my defense when the video pauses, “Well Haz didn’t bring it up, the interviewer did.”

“Well there is no need to make further commentary that implies his familiarity with your…” 

Louis raises an eyebrow, ready to give her a taste of her own medicine, “My what?”

“Your penis, Louis.” She is a little flustered now.

“Well I was only being honest, it wouldn’t.” I add innocently, playing along with Louis and causing her to go a little red.

All five of us start cracking up this time, “Enough, let’s keep moving shall we.” We watch for a while with her making a few critiques, but she doesn't pause until we get near the end.

We are asked by the interviewer what the best part of being in a boy band is. Everyone is talking about our friendship, but I have a moment of inspiration, management has been saying that we need to seem really into girls all the time so I announce, “I like girls.” It seemed so smart at the moment but watching it back it comes off very random and then there is the reaction of every single other person. Louis looks shocked and a little offended, Liam looks confused, Niall actually looks between me and Louis dumbstruck, and Zayn starts laughing. 

Nothing about it was reassuring, I might have well have just announced that I like Louis, it is almost that obvious. The video is conveniently paused to capture everyone’s reaction. We are all already laughing watching this back and Melissa really goes in, “This is unacceptable, Harry, I can’t begin to guess what you were thinking,” Louis’ eyes are shooting daggers at her. “Louis your face says it all, you look like someone who’s boyfriend just randomly announced he likes girls.”

“Well he did didn’t he?”

“Don’t interrupt me. And the rest of you look like Harry’s comment is shocking and a joke. We are trying to conceal a homosexual relationship in this band, and you guys, all five of you are making it too obvious.” 

Lou jumps in again, “Don’t blame them, none of this is their fault!”

Melissa snaps this time, shocking all of us and immediately ridding the room of any levity, “Do you ever shut up Louis? You don’t. We will get to that later. Now let’s go through your individual interviews.”

She starts playing each interview, Zayn and Liam did pretty well and she only gives them minor corrections. Same with me, she just reminds me to stay focused and not go off on tangents, which is actually pretty fair. All of this would have gone down better though if she wasn’t counting off on her fingers every time Louis spoke during one of our interviews. 

When she gets to Niall things start to get worse, “Niall, you just need to answer your own questions, you turn to the other boys for almost everything. It messes up the flow of the interview and makes you seem like you lack confidence.”

Liam jumps in to defend this time, “I see what you are trying to say but the interview was casual and he was just interacting with us. Plus they made him go first so he didn’t really know what was going on.”

She responds pretty well to this, “That is true for most of the interview, Liam and we can let it go and just say do better next time, but this last part is bad, and it really isn’t Niall’s fault but his reaction was very poor.” 

Melissa cranks up the volume on the video, it hurts our ears when it starts playing. Niall is asked his favorite word for boobs and he is quiet trying to decide how to answer. With the volume turned you can hear it very clearly, in the background I ask, “Lou can I give you a blow job?” and he immediately responds, “I’d love it, if you just wait.” Then Niall busts out laughing and says, “now that's the real question!”

Melissa looks between the three of us, “Do we all know what went wrong there?” we nod in response. “And yes, this has already been published, there is nothing we can do about it. With that lets top this off with Louis’ interview.”

All three of us are a little off balance and Louis looks like he is going to argue but she cuts him off, holding up her fingers she has been counting on, “I told you, you never shut up.” She plays his interview two times through then stops and looks at us. 

I think he actually did really well, nothing out of line at all. “Louis can you tell me what is wrong?”

“Ummm… no?”

“Anyone else want to let him know? It’s obvious.” Zayn, Liam, Niall and I are looking at each other confused and shaking our heads no, he really did give the best interview. He is confident and had a great report with the interviewer.

“Fine than I will, when you interview on your own you read as gay. The way you are talking, sitting, and even answering some of the questions makes it obvious you are a fa….. That you are feminine and soft.” 

All four of us started talking at once, we caught her slip up and she was being so rude. We are speaking over her telling her she is out of line. I am staring at Louis and he is frozen. 

“Quiet! We are done for the day. Go over your notes and apply them to your interviews this week. And Louis, when someone asks a straight man about boobs he doesn’t need to clarify if they mean the nipples or the whole breast.” The air in the room is crackling with anger coming from all of us but Louis is charging it the most. “You are dismissed.”

Louis bolts up out of his chair and storms out of the room. She won this round and Louis is pissed, now she knows how to get to him. I follow Lou out but he is already gone, Paul is in the hall and directs me to the courtyard, “He went to have a smoke.”

When I get outside Louis is smoking and looking furious, still simmering with anger. I know it is hard for him to calm down when he loses his temper. He needs space to cool off so I let him do his thing and sit on a bench nearby. Eventually he stops pacing around and I can hear him practicing controlled breathing. 

After a while he lowers himself down next to me, cigarette gone, he grabs me and pulls me into a hug. I know he feels emasculated and that really bothers him. We tease him about being small and that is okay but if we take it any farther or imply that he is weak, he gets upset. I know that being gay isn’t weak or bad and he knows that too but the way she was talking about him as being soft and feminine made it seem demeaning. I am genuinely really pissed at her. I can’t stand when people are awful to Louis. He is the light of this band, he reads us all so well. He knows when we need to laugh or when we need a shoulder to cry on and he never hesitates to defend us even when it means more trouble for him.

I am not sure what to say so I just return his hug and start with, “she was way out of line.”

“You are right Haz, but we agreed to media training on our sexuality, so this is what we get. I guess,” Louis says quietly, voice laced with pain now instead of anger. 

I pull out of the hug and hold both of his hands, “Well I didn’t realize it would be in front of the other boys, and be so embarrassing, and so insensitive.”

“I’m so sorry baby, I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you from that. I failed you.” The look on Louis’ face as he says this crushes me, he seems so disappointed in himself.

“No, Lou Bear, you defended me on everything. You didn’t fail me at all. You took all of that like a champ and sparred with her the whole time. You were very brave.” I know that is what he needed to hear because he blushes a little and looks down at our hands. I free one of mine and use it to stroke his cheek and then ask, “will you fuck me tonight?”

He lets out a small chuckle and looks back up, “Of course princess, I would love to.” I smile back at him and he adds with his cocky mischievous grin making its appearance (this is in my top five favorite Louis looks), “besides, the blow job you gave me last night was amazing but you were such a tease, I think you need a taste of your own medicine Mr. Styles.”

_ “Is that what your media training was always like?” _

_ “Yes.” _

_ “Yup. I mean sometimes it wasn’t that bad and other times it was worse.” _

_ “I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you this, but the way she spoke to you was abusive.” _

_ “He knows.” _

_ “The way she spoke to both of us was abusive, she learned how to get to us. Always picked on Haz when we were all together because embarrassment would break him down. And eventually she learned to pull me in for private sessions, knowing that I wouldn’t defend myself as intensely as I did the others.”  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this one, it isn't my favorite but I am excited to write the next one. Get ready for some action, stunts, more angst, and injured Louis.


	9. Strong

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Harry start facing the consequences of the agreement they made with management when Harry does his first PR stunt. A few weeks later they face an unexpected consequence of their relationship when they run into homophobic strangers in a parking lot after dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this is an exciting and sad one. 
> 
> TW: Violence, Sexual Violence, homophobia, homophobic language, Mentions of self-harm, anxiety, PTSD

_ “We had to start facing another consequence we agreed to a few months later, and consequences we didn’t expect.” _

_ “But first we had an absolutely insane Autumn. It was incredible, we released our first music video, announced our tour starting in December, and released our album to great success.” _

_ “Like always we were super busy. We were constantly being interviewed to promote the album and tour, we made a few television appearances, and in between all of that we were rehearsing like mad for the tour.”  _

_ “Something else important happened.” _

_ “That’s right Boo, we celebrated our first anniversary.” _

_ “It was really sweet, it was a Wednesday and we had to work, but the boys remembered the day and booked a nice brunch for all five of us at lunch, since they knew we couldn’t go out on a date just the two of us.”  _

_ “And I made us a nice dinner, Louis offered to cook but we decided it would be better to have edible food. But he did get me such a sweet present.” _

_ “The paper plane necklace….” _

_ “Oh Boo Bear, I shouldn’t have brought that up, I’m sorry.” _

_ “Wasn’t that? Oh… oh no.” _

_ “Yeah, we aren’t there yet though. But I did have my first big stunt early in December.”  _

_ “How did that go?” _

_ “Honestly, the first one was so silly it really wasn’t so bad.” _

1

It’s still pitch black outside when my alarm goes off. I groan and nuzzle my face into Rusty’s soft fur and enjoy the feeling of Louis wrapped around me. Maybe, if I just lay here Lou will get the alarm. Oh shit! Lou! I bolt upright and turn the alarm off. I waited too long and moved too suddenly, I woke him up.

“Haaaz, is too early.” Louis looks so adorable still wrapped up in the sheets, bleary eyed, and subconsciously reaching out for me to come cuddle.

“I know Boo, just go back to sleep. I will be home in a few hours.” When he hears this I can see realization about what is happening this morning cross his face and he bolts upright, looking at me with concern. I gently lay him back. “No, you go back to sleep and maybe I will be home before you even wake up. Then I will make us breakfast like we talked about last night.” 

The sadness in his eyes is eating me alive. I just want to lay back down with him, he was so reassuring last night saying he was fine, but half asleep like this he isn’t able to conceal the pout of his lip and the pain in his eyes. I am still clutching Rusty so I tuck him in between Louis’ arms, give Lou a peck on the lips, and ruffle his hair. “Good night, see you soon.” As I get up and head to the bathroom I don’t miss Louis nuzzling his face into Rusty just like I do. At least they can keep each other company. 

I stumble into the bathroom and hiss as the bright light stings my eyes. I really want to take a shower to help me wake up but that would defeat the purpose so instead I fish my clothes from yesterday out of the hamper and put them on. The paps were called last night to photograph me popping by the shop to buy flowers in this outfit. The flowers are now in a drinking glass (we don’t own a vase, I need to fix that) on the kitchen table. As a bit of a subversion I bought sunflowers because they remind me of my Sunshine. 

For my other element of subversion I make sure my paper plane necklace is visible, on top of my shirt instead of under it. Nobody at Modest! cares enough to know when our anniversary is so no one has told me to stop wearing it everyday. They have no idea it connects me to Louis, and we love that, our own little secret in plain sight. 

When I step back into the bedroom Louis is asleep again. I can’t resist the temptation to stop and watch him sleep for a few minutes. When I see him like this it makes me feel so special and trusted. Louis is always so talkative, sassy, and tough but in these moments, when we are really relaxed just the two of us or he is asleep, all of that is stripped away. He looks shockingly fragile and soft. 

My phone vibrates, receiving a text from the driver, he is here. Before I pocket my phone I snap a quick photo just for me of Louis asleep cuddling with my stuffed kitty. It is so weird to be leaving by myself, I don’t do it often. 

“Good morning, how are you today?” I greet the driver, Wilson. No Paul this morning, this isn’t supposed to look planned.

“Doing well, and yourself?”

“I’m alright, tired.”

“Don’t worry we will get you in and out in no time.”

“Thanks,” I settle into the backseat. This whole operation is very strange. I am heading to Victoria’s house to be dropped off and then I am going to leave in yesterday’s clothes. Of course, the paparazzi will be there to provide photographic evidence that I spent the night. 

Victoria is a nice lady, we have interacted several times at different events, and there has been some twitter flirting (luckily someone on our team took care of these tweets for me), but it is just unusual. Victoria is a TV actress trying to crack into the music industry so this is good publicity for her and good for us as we are promoting our tour and album. But Victoria is 28, I’m still 17, and that is fine, nothing wrong with older women. It just seems like a weird choice considering they gave Louis and I a hard time about our two year age difference.

She lives on the other side of London so I pull out my phone to pass the time, I decide to look through my camera roll. I flick through my time with One Direction and my relationship with Louis, smiling and remembering every picture. Eventually, I land on the last picture, the one I took this morning and I look at it for a while, enjoying how warm it makes me feel. I set it as my homescreen background that way no one but me will see it but I can see it a lot. 

As I finish sorting this out we are pulling up behind the apartment building so I text Victoria that I am here. A few minutes later light pours from the back entry door and she steps out in pajamas. As I hop out, making sure there is no one around, the driver tells me he will text me when he is back.

Victoria leads me into her flat, it is quite big and well furnished, a lot like mine, but it feels less lived in, like when we first moved in. “Tea?” she asks. 

“Yes please,” I follow her into the kitchen, “How are you this morning?” 

“Tired.”

“Me too.” There is an awkward silence as she hands me a cup of tea, she doesn’t ask how I take it so I just sip it black even though I would prefer a little sugar and a splash of milk.

“Feel free to have a seat,” she mumbles.

“Thank you,” I sit at her kitchen table. “This is a very nice place.”

“You think? It isn’t really home but it will do,” there is a hint of sadness in her voice.

“Where is home?” I ask her.

“Brighton, where is home for you?” 

I open my mouth and almost say Louis. But I clamp my mouth shut and try again, “I’m from Cheshire but I live in London now.”

She smiles at me. Then the smile drops off of her face and she looks irritated or maybe upset. I hope I didn’t do anything wrong. “Look I don’t want to be rude and it isn’t your fault, but this whole thing that is going on makes me uncomfortable. I am being set up to look like I sleep with teenagers, it's just a bit odd. I just want to pretend like it isn’t happening, do you mind if I go back to bed?”

“No, that’s okay,” I don’t want her to feel upset even though sitting in her apartment unaccompanied will feel a bit weird. 

“Thanks, the door will lock behind you and the front entrance is straight down the hall.” Before I can say anything else Victoria is disappearing down the hall. 

I sit in silence sipping my tea, I am not sure what else to do. The way she talked about this stunt made me feel even more uncomfortable about it. I just want to be home with my real boyfriend not sitting alone in the flat of a woman I barely know. Just for something to do I cross to the sink and wash the mug once I am done with my tea. 

I sit back at the table and wait, it feels like forever but it is probably only about five more minutes until my phone is vibrating with a message from Wilson.

Wilson (1D Driver): I am out front. 

Harry: Thanks mate, I’ll be there in a second. 

I jump up quickly, very happy to escape. I don’t really think about the paps until I am walking out the front door and cameras are flashing in the dawn. I can hear people shouting at me, asking me questions but I just keep walking to the car, ignoring them as I was told to do. I slide into the car and stare out the window watching the sun rise as I make my way home. 

When I enter the flat there is no noise, hopefully Louis is still asleep. In the bedroom it is clear that isn’t the case. Louis is laying in bed on his back looking at his phone with Rusty laying on his chest. I quickly strip down to my pants and snuggle up next to him looking at his phone. Some of the photos of me have already hit Twitter. He is looking at a picture of me walking out of the building. 

Looking at the photo instead of me, he asks, “How was it?”

I answer honestly, “Weird, she told me she was really uncomfortable with the situation and went back to bed, so I waited alone in her flat.”

“That’s bloody rude.”

“How are you, Kitten?” I ask, I really can’t tell.

He doesn’t answer, just zooms in on the photo and points, “You can see the necklace.”

“Yeah, that’s because I’m yours.”

Louis turns to look at me, possessiveness in his voice, “You are mine.” Then he practically lunges at me, throwing his phone to the side. He is straddling my hips and pressing his lips into mine, I willingly open up to him. He is urgently jamming his tongue into my mouth, I can’t keep up with him so eventually I stop trying and just let him take control. 

He pulls away and says, “You’re mine. Say it.”

“I’m yours,” I moan back at him as he starts rubbing my cock over my boxers getting me hard quickly. His possessiveness and authority is so hot, I would do anything for him right now. I love being his, I always want to be his. 

I reach for his cock sliding his pants down his hips, it is already stiff and throbbing. “Wait,” He instructs so I let go. He quickly finishes pulling off his boxers and yanks mine off as well. “I’m gonna fuck you, baby.”

“I’m yours, fuck me!” He actually growls in response and digs in the nightstand pulling out lube and a condom. Wasting no time, he has his fingers slicked up and is teasing my rim while sucking love bites into thighs. “Louis, please,” I beg, needing him inside me. 

He looks up at me and smirks, pure mischief in his eyes. He keeps fingering around my rim but moves his mouth to lick up the shaft of my penis. When he reaches the top he freezes for a moment. Why is he stopping? I need him to keep going. I start squirming under him trying to get him to touch me, he is right there but doing nothing. 

Finally, he pushes his finger in my hole and takes my dick in his mouth at the same time. Beyond moaning, I let out a scream of pleasure. He continues to suck me off while he opens me up eventually slipping in a second finger. There is so much stimulation I can’t think straight, I am clenching the sheets in my fists and pressing myself into the mattress, lifting my bum trying to fuck against his fingers. “More baby, more,” I cry out. 

Lou doesn’t hesitate, he jams a third finger in and immediately hits my prostate causing me to cry out, “I’m yours!” and then dissolve into whimpers as he continues to hit my prostate with each thrust while the tip of my penis is hitting the back of his throat repeatedly. 

I look at his face, cheeks hollow with my dick in his mouth, eyes locked on me watching me fall apart. One look is all it takes, and I’m going to come, I have no control. The heat is pooling and Louis’ face becomes blurry as my eyes water. “Fuck! I’m coming,” I mean to shout this but it comes out almost inaudible as the heat takes me. My whole body goes completely stiff and my eyes squeeze shut sending tears streaming down my face pleasure crashes through my body in waves. 

I go limp as Louis pulls his mouth off of my softening dick licking up any come that didn’t make it in his mouth. He gently slides his fingers out of my hole and asks, “Can you take more?”

“UhHuh,” I answer and nod my head. As exhausted as I am, I need to feel his dick inside of me, I need it so bad. I watch as he reaches for the condom and I reach my hand out to stop him, “No condom.” 

This is new so he raises an eyebrow and asks, “are you sure?” 

I give the simple answer, “I’m yours.”

“Haz, I love you.” He slicks up his bare cock and lines it up with my hole, “ready?”

“Yes.” He slowly slides into me, eyes going wide moaning the whole way in. Goddamnit if I’m not already hard again. I let myself adjust to his width, it stings but I love the sensation. “Ready.”

He slowly starts to thrust, his usual rhythm is off, “Fuck Haz, you feel so good…. Oh my god.” He is breathing shallow, clearly overwhelmed by the sensation of his bare cock inside me, I can tell he is not going to last long, he is already a bit shaky and uncoordinated. 

Recognizing the same thing he reaches for my dick, “No love, I got it, take care of yourself,” I tell him. He starts thrusting into me with more vigor, trying different angles looking for my spot as a roughly jerk myself. Finally he hits it, sending sparks through my pelvis, “Right there baby.” 

He thrusts into me repeatedly, moaning and whining the whole time. I am already getting close again. He grunts out, “Can’t wait much longer. Gonna come for me again?”

“Yeees,” I whine and then bite down on my lip, heat building again, one more thrust and the waves of pleasure return, taking over my body again as warm jizz jets across my stomach.

“Haaaaaz,” he moans as I clench around him, his thrusts slow down as he rides out his own pleasure. When we are both done he pulls out, gives me a sloppy kiss and flops on his back next to me. We are both overheated and sweating, but I don’t care, I roll over and sling my leg over his and rest my head on his chest. Louis wraps his arms around me and we lay there for a while eventually dozing off.

We wake up about fifteen minutes later, cold and covered in drying sweat and come. Louis whispers, “I’m yours.”

I agree, “You’re mine and I’m yours, nothing can change that.” 

Eventually, we make it out of bed and into the shower after slowly kissing and cuddling. Then we head to the kitchen and I make pancakes for breakfast while Louis sits on the kitchen counter talking non-stop about the call he had with his sisters last night. 

2

I am parking in an almost empty parking lot outside of a radio station just after dusk. Harry is bouncing in the passenger seat, this is our last engagement of the day and then we get to go home. Our mums took a train in this morning and we haven’t seen them yet. We leave on the Up All Night tour in two days and they have come to see us off. 

It wasn’t really necessary but that doesn’t make us any less excited. We will be back in just a few weeks for Christmas which we are spending with both families. We rented out a large house in the country for a week so we can all be together. It was either that or us split our time, with all the stress lately we are unwilling to spend our time off separated. 

“Almost done, Harold.”

“I know. I’m excited.”

“That’s pretty obvious.” I look around the parking lot and see the car that the others came in is already here but there is no one around, the lot is empty and dark. We overslept this morning so we had to drive ourselves, which has actually been kind of nice, getting alone time between each event. “Ready to go in?” Harry asks, “let’s get this done.”

“Sure, just one second.” I lean in and catch his bottom lip between my teeth and then draw him into a kiss. He scoots in closer to me or as close he can get from the other car seat and leans into the kiss, forcing his tongue in my mouth. We get caught up in snogging each other until Harry catches the clock out of the corner of his eye.

“Shit Lou, we need to go in.”

“You’re right, to be continued,” I wink at him and we get out of the car. Meeting in front of the hood. Since it is an empty parking lot I don’t hesitate to peck his nose and then wrap my arm around his waist as we start walking. 

That’s when I hear a shout, “Look it’s a couple of fairies!” I stiffen and freeze whirling around to look behind us. There are two guys approaching, we weren’t as alone as I thought.

“Leave us alone!” I shout back as I start to steer Harry towards the door again, picking up the pace, unfortunately it is quite a distance. I need to get Harry inside and away from these creeps.

The other guy yells this time, his voice is deeper, “Hey fairies! Don’t fucking walk away when we are talking to you!” I increase our pace again almost running now as he shouts, “I saw you two fags snogging in the car!” I just keep us moving, begging the door to be closer, “So gross! Fucking stop and talk to us!” 

I look back over my shoulder as I hear feet pounding, they are close, too close, there is no way we could outrun them now. Adrenaline starts to surge through my body as I realize we are actually in danger. I won’t let them lay a finger on my boy. On instinct I whisper in Harry’s ear, “Run, go get Paul.” I give him a light shove releasing him, he starts to hesitate but I shout, “Now!” and he runs as I turn to face the guys.

I am almost paralyzed with fear when I get a good look at them. I can’t pinpoint their age, late teens or early twenties maybe, but they are huge and that is undeniable. Both of them are significantly taller and bigger than me, I am so fucked. 

One of them is running up on me and the other one is lunging to catch Harry. I use the momentum from turning around to run full force into the guy reaching for Haz. I stumble backward after I impact with him, almost falling over but it turns his attention to me allowing Harry to get away. 

Before I can catch my balance, I feel two sets of hands grab me as one of them says menacingly, “Think you’re a tough guy? I don’t think so, twink.” I am trying to fight them off but it has no effect. I put all of my strength into trying to free one of my arms but they don’t budge, my heart is pounding now, I don’t know what they are going to do.

They start to force me down onto my knees as panic washes over on my body. “You like to be on your knees, don’t you?” My brain can’t sort out if it should be more focused on trying to breathe or escape, so I am doing poorly at both. “Answer my question!” 

I stutter out, “yes,” hoping that will make them leave me alone. 

“Good, show us what you do on your knees.” The smaller of the two let go of me and stands in front of me, his crotch in my face lowering his zip. Fuck no! No. No. With only one guy holding me down and sheer desperation I gather my strength to try to stand up. In one swift motion I roll back onto my feet and push all of my energy into my legs managing to stand up still gasping for air. 

Now that I’m up I try to free my hands to no avail. My mind starts to slip to a different attack, different hands trying to subdue me, similar intentions. I completely freeze as cold sweat washes over my body. Not him, anyone but him. I hear myself screaming, “No! Don’t touch me dad! I’m sorry!” my voice cracking with terror. 

There are strong hands pushing into my chest and I am falling hard, scraping the palms of my hands on the asphalt. The sting of the road rash snaps me back to reality and I leverage the pain to help me focus on the two people in front of me now. But I am too far gone and I am being shoved again onto my back, smacking my head on the ground, sending a dull ringing pain through the back of my skull and into my jaw.

I start kicking out blindly trying to get up but one of them is holding me down. My eyes lock with the boot of the other guy swinging towards me, I try desperately to twist out of the way but it makes contact with my lower ribs. I let out a groan as pain shoots through my entire side. Before I can react the foot is making contact again, in the same spot. My vision fades to black and I swear I hear cracking, fiery pain is radiating from somewhere deep in me and blooming out through my side. My vision starts to refocus as he says, “let’s try this again, are you gonna put my cock in your mouth, or am I going to have to force you?”

I have lost all dignity at this point, I can’t take another hit in the same spot, so as he winds up to kick again I start begging. “Stop! Please stop!” He freezes, so I keep going, “Just stop! I’ll do it, please stop! I’ll do it!” Shame washes through my body, I’m not strong enough to fight them off and I don’t want him to kick me again. I am so humiliated, I hate myself. I need Paul to get here. I need someone to make the stop. I don’t want to do this. 

They burst into laughter when I break and start begging. The guy winds his leg back, he is going to kick me again anyway. I am frozen, I can still hear pitiful pleading pouring from my mouth. Before he can make contact, help arrives, Paul’s voice is shouting, “Get the fuck away from him! Someone is already ringing the police!” his voice is getting louder as he is running to me. The two dickheads seem sufficiently spooked by Paul and the idea of the police so they take off running. 

Paul kneels next to me, “Louis? Lad, are you okay?”

I sit up groaning as my side protests the movement. My hands sting and my head is throbbing but it is nothing compared to the feeling in my ribs. I tentatively run my fingers over the spot and the pain intensifies at my touch, shooting flames out in all directions, my vision is going dark so I put my head in between my knees and mumble, “I’m fine Paul, just give me a second.”

I catch my breath for a moment as the adrenaline starts to drain from my body making the pain feel more intense. And then I remember Harry. I bet he is so worried, is he okay? I jump to my feet trying to ignore the dizziness I feel but sway a little anyway, “Where is Harry!?” 

“Woah careful there, he is okay, he is inside.” I immediately start jogging to the building. “Slow down Louis! Are you okay? Are you hurt?” 

“I’m fine, I need to see my boyfriend,” I know I’m lying, I’m not fine every step sends sharp pains shooting through my torso and there is a constant deep ache but I can handle it. I reach the doors and push through them wincing and looking around desperately, there is a room at the other end of the hall with an open door and familiar voices coming from inside. I run down the hall and through the door, Paul on my heels, looking around scanning everyone in the room. I see Melissa, Jim, and other members of the team. Liam, Zayn, and Niall are all huddled together looking at something on the floor against the wall. In my muddled state it takes me a moment to realize what that something is, and my heart sinks, is he hurt? “Hazza!” I yell out. 

The boys step back staring at me and Harry jolts up from the floor. He runs to me, tears streaming steadily from his eyes. “Louis!” He wraps his arms around me and that is almost more than I can take. I can’t help but let out a little yelp. Harry jumps backwards, “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” 

“I’m fine, are you hurt?” I start feeling his arms and torso and work my way up to his face searching for any injury. 

“No, I’m not.” When my investigation confirms this is true I start wiping tears from his face.

“Don’t cry baby, don’t cry. I’m okay. You’re okay” I wrap him in a gentle hug. It hurts like hell but he needs it and I need it. Or at least I need to convince him I’m okay. I don’t want him or anyone to know I’m hurt. It isn’t a big deal and it is my fault anyway, I was completely and pathetically helpless to defend myself. I had to resort to begging, I was willing to do whatever they wanted just to save myself. I am ashamed and I want this to go away, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want anyone fussing over me. 

The boys have crowded around us and management is closing in as well so I shift Harry to my uninjured side and wrap my hand around his waist and whisper in his ear, “Don’t leave me, okay?” I am going to allow myself this one indulgence, his presence and the pulsing pain are the only things keeping me from falling apart.

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he whispers back, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and holding me tightly against him. 

Jim comes to the forefront asking, “Can someone please explain to me what is going on?”

To my surprise, Liam cuts him off, “That can wait a second, we need a first aid kit. No offense Lou, but you’re a mess.”

Jim yells out to the room, “Someone bring the kit, Louis are you injured?”

I look down at myself and realize, I very much am a mess, there is a hole in the knee of my trousers and blood oozing from a scrape there I had not even noticed. The scrapes on my hand are also bleeding and there is blood on my shirt and trousers in places I have touched. I glance at Harry and realize I smeared blood on his face when I wiped his tears. 

Someone brings over the supplies and against my protests Liam cleans and bandages all of my scrapes and gives Harry a wipe for his face. “Are you hurt anywhere else? You are favoring your side.” 

“No it’s fine, I took a few hits, nothing I can’t handle.” Liam and Harry are looking at me suspiciously but the police arrive at this moment causing another flurry of activity. I find myself in the corner of the room with a police officer, Jim, Melissa, Paul, and Harry who I am still clinging to. 

“Can you please explain what happened?” The whole group is looking at us eagerly and the rest of the room is silent, everyone is listening. The presence of the police is intimidating enough to make me tell, even though I don’t want to especially with so many people listening.

“Well, we pulled up just after dark for our interview and umm well before we came in we were kissing in the car.” Jim flashes me a disappointed look, “When we got out of the car and started walking to the building two guys came up behind us and started shouting at us. They were shouting like…..”

Harry takes over. “Slurs, they were shouting homophobic slurs at us. And they wanted us to stop and talk to them. When we didn’t they started running at us. Louis told me to run inside and get help, so I did.” Haz looks down at his feet when he is done speaking and I give him a reassuring squeeze. 

Everyone is looking at me expectantly, I really don’t want to continue but I know I have to. Sensing my hesitation my Hazza steps behind me and wraps his arms around me, over my shoulders so he doesn’t hurt me. I wrap my arms around his waist behind me. I feel a little embarrassed with Harry so clearly coddling me in front of all these people but I really need him to get through this. So I keep going, “Yeah, I stayed back to distract them while Harry ran for help. I sort of plowed into one of them who was trying to grab Harry and then they were both grabbing onto me and forcing me to the ground. I tried to fight them off, but I couldn’t. One of them ended up pinning me to the ground while the other one kicked me a few times.”

“That’s what was happening when I got outside and ran them off,” Paul chimes in. 

“Did they say what they wanted or why they were doing this to you?” the officer asks. 

I immediately blush red and feel my eyes start to water a little. I can’t deal with tears and what they bring right now, so I move my body in a way that makes the pain in my side explode. Hissing a little at the pain I am able to refocus myself. I know some people cry when they are hurt but I’m so hopelessly fucked up that pain is the only thing that can keep me from crying when I’m upset. 

I steel myself and plow through the parts I left out the first time. “Before I was on the ground they forced me onto my knees. They made some comments about… me being on my knees and if I like that… and then one of them told me to umm like… well,” Harry is tensed up behind me, I don’t know how to say this and make it not sound upsetting, “he told me to suck him off.” Niall audibly gasps and the rest of the room falls completely still. “I fought back and that is when they shoved me all the way down and started kicking me.” 

The police officer takes charge after this. Finally realizing that this should have been a private conversation. He takes me and Harry out into the hall and asks a series of questions about how far things got and if I need paramedics. I assure him I don’t and that they didn’t get a chance to actually do anything. Paul then joins us and he asks us to describe the men and promises they will try to find them. Jim hauls him away once he is done with us, asking about how we can keep all of the anonymous, he is concerned with bad press. 

As we reenter the room, Melissa announces that we have already missed the interview and everyone can go home. Before walking away she looks at me and says, “today has taught you an important lesson that I haven’t been able to get through your thick skull.”

I am trying to process what she means by that when the three boys swarm us. Patting me on the back and asking if we are okay. I appreciate their concern but I am immediately overwhelmed so I slip off to the bathroom. 

As I stand in front of the mirror I tentatively lift my shirt to see the damage. At the sight of myself, the blood drains out of my face and sweat breaks out all over my body, how am I going to hide this? 

3

Louis has been almost completely silent the whole car ride. That is one of many things that makes it obvious he is not okay. Louis is never silent this long unless he is asleep. He also didn’t protest when I insisted on driving. Then there is the fact that every time we hit a bump or make a turn his winces and lets out quiet whimpers or grunts. I am anxiously fingering the sharp point of my plane pendant while I try to observe his every move and watch the road.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see his face contorting like he is about to cry. I reach my hand over and squeeze his knee. He doesn’t acknowledge me instead he ghosts his hand over the place on his side, where he was kicked? I’m not sure. When his fingers make contact he presses a little and tries to stifle a pained groan and then his face returns to a neutral expression. I guess he is checking how bad things are. As soon as we get home he needs to show me that spot, something is wrong.

As we pull in the parking lot I tell him as much, “Louis, when we get inside I need to look at that and see how bad it is.”

He immediately responds, “I already checked, just a little bruise, nothing to worry about.”

I doubt that but I just need to get him inside. “Want a ride.”

“Thank you baby, but not right now.” Something is very wrong, he never turns that down. He slowly eases himself from the car and tries to walk normally as we make our way to the flat. As I open the door the smell of cooked meat hits my nose. Oh shit, our mums are here! I actually forgot because of all the insanity.

Immediately they are on us and I am wrapped into a warm hug, this is exactly what I need so I squeeze mum even tighter seeking comfort. The hug is abruptly cut short when Louis lets out a loud wounded whine. Mum and I spring apart and turn to him, he is doubled over and Diane has her arms out like she had been hugging him. Based on the noise he just made this is way worse than I thought.

Louis slowly straightens up and looks just as shocked as the rest of us. Diane takes in his appearance, blood on his clothes and his bandaged hands. “Lou, what happened, are you okay?” she asks with a trembling voice.

“I’m fine,” he answers quietly. 

“Were you in a fight Lou? It’s been years, I thought this was over, you know how it frightens me,” irritation is creeping into her voice. Louis has told me that before he learned how to keep his temper in check he was in a lot of fights. Almost got excluded when he was 16, it was a lot of trouble. 

In response to his mum the shock leaves Lou’s face and is replaced with irritation, “I was not in a fight, I was attacked. I’m gonna change.” He storms off to our bedroom.

As soon as Louis is out of the room both mums turn on me, “What happened?” my mum asks. I know it might upset Louis but I think they need to know. I run through the story including everything Lou and Paul said and the police visit.

When I finish the story they both hug me and ask if I’m okay. I assure them that I am just a little shaken. Our conversation then turns to Louis and the mysterious injury he received. Diane states, “we need to check on him.” I nod in agreement but I am nervous he is going to be so upset if anyone presses him about his supposedly non existent wound.

All three of us go to the bedroom, I knock on the door and open it without waiting for a response. Louis is standing by the bed, he has managed to change his clothes but it must have been painful because he is ghostly white and there is sweat beading on his forehead. 

Diane takes one look at him and goes straight in, voice stern, “Louis Tomlinson, I know you have been injured and I’m sorry about making assumptions but I need you to tell me what is wrong.”

That is not the approach I would have taken, If you challenge Louis he is going to bite back. And he does, “I’m fine mum, as you clearly like to remind me, it is not the first time I have been punched or kicked.” 

“Louis, I can see you favoring your right side, show me now!”

“No mum!”

“I am your mother and I am telling you, you will show me your injury!” Yikes, that is not going to go over well. 

“I don’t have to show you anything!” Louis shouts and then rushes into the bathroom, the door slams and I can hear the lock click. 

“Well that went bloody brilliant,” Diane huffs tears welling in her eyes. 

Mum immediately wraps her in a hug, “Oh Diane, you two are one and the same, so stubborn, never back down.”

“I know,” Diane cries, “I shouldn’t have locked horns with him, I tell myself not too but I get so heated.”

While my mum is consoling Diane I walk over to the bathroom door, I know how to approach this. I know he is close with his mum so it shocked me how far off her reaction was. I gently knock on the door and say, “it’s Haz.” When the mums hear me speak they stop talking, I know they are watching. 

“Baby, can you give me just a minute?” Louis’ voice is immediately softer talking to me. 

Now to get myself in there. “Lou, I really need a wee.” 

“Can you go to the other bathroom please?” 

“Lou, it was a long drive, I need to go really bad, please let me in.” I do need a wee but not as bad as I’m letting on. I know he will fall for it through. He is always fretting about my notoriously small bladder, going off on anyone who gives me a hard time for taking a bathroom break. 

His voice is laced with concern and the door is already unlocking as he says, “of course, come in, quickly.” I step through the door and he locks it behind me. To stick to my story I rush to the toilet. Louis sits on the counter while I wee. He is staring off into space, his expression unreadable. As I wash my hands, I observe him sitting next to the sink. Now that he is in short sleeves I can see fingerprint bruises blossoming all over his arms against his milky skin.

I quickly dry my hands and then stand in between his spread legs taking his left arm in my hands and kissing every bruise, when I am done I move to the right arm, he winces as I lift it. Once every bruise I can see has been kissed I wrap my arms around his neck and he returns my hug without hesitation. Now that we are alone, my soft Louis is coming back to me.

“I’m worried about you,” I say quietly letting out the emotion I have been trying to hold back making my voice crack and tears well in my eyes. 

“Oh baby, I’m okay, please don’t be upset,” Louis soothes.

“That’s why I am upset. You’re not okay but you won’t let anyone see or help you.” He is quiet for a while, not sure what to say. I continue knowing I am close to getting through to him, “Why won’t you show me or your mum?”

“I’m embarrassed Haz, I got my ass handed to me by those guys, I didn’t get a single punch in, and other things...” he says quietly trailing off at the end. 

I pull out of the hug so I can get a good look at him. His head is hanging, tears pooling in his eyes. His eyes are actually glazing over like he isn’t fully here and he looks scared. Quickly, he raises his hands touching his injured torso and winces in pain squeezing his eyes shut. When he opens them again, his eyes are clear and the tears are gone. 

I stroke his cheek with my thumb, “You were so brave and you kept me safe, you did really well. Please just tell me what’s wrong and let me help you.” He doesn’t wait long to nod his head. “Can you tell our mums too? Your mum is really upset, she didn’t mean to yell at you she is just worried.” He nods his head again. 

Before he can change his mind I scoop him up bridal style, being sure his injured right side is facing out. I fumble awkwardly with the door but eventually get us both to the bedroom. As we enter mum and Diane look at us shocked. I don’t think they expected him to acquiesce so easily. But Lou would do anything for me even if what I need him to do is take care of himself. I sit him on the foot of the bed and sit down on his left side and hold him pressed into my side. 

He starts pressing both of his hands against his side with a pained expression on his face, I don’t know why he keeps doing that but he needs to stop. I look around and spot Rusty on my pillow. I catch mum's eye and gesture to him, she grabs him and hands him to Lou. As he accepts the plush she leans down and kisses Louis’ cheek, my mum is a saint and knows exactly what to say, “Thank you for keeping my boy safe. You take such good care of him, I know you put yourself in harm's way to protect him.” Her words seem to strengthen Louis a little, he looks up at her. He then whispers something in her ear that makes her smile and she whispers something back that makes him smile and blush. Lou has a good relationship with my mum, he won her over the day we were signed and she has trusted him ever since. 

Mum settles down on his other side and gently rubs circles on his back. Then Diane approaches, kisses him on the top of the head and says. “I’m so sorry son, I love you.”

“Love you too,” he says and smiles encouragingly at her while she kneels in front of him and places a comforting hand on his uninjured knee. Louis is a lot more relaxed now cocooned in our love and occupying his hands by fiddling with Rusty instead of pressing them into his side.

Everyone waits in silence until he decides to speak. “I’m sorry for being such a brat, I really just wanted to pretend like this didn’t happen. I ummmm... well I’m pretty embarrassed.” His cheeks start to flush so I kiss him on the temple. “Umm Haz did you tell them what the guys asked me to do?”

“I did.” 

“Okay well that was pretty freaky and I tried to fight them off, but then they held me down and he kicked me and it hurt so bad. And then he kicked me again and it hurt even worse like I almost blacked out and then he asked again and he was going to kick me again. And it hurt so bad and I didn’t want him to keep kicking me so I started begging. I was begging for him to stick his cock in my mouth instead of hurting me anymore….” Louis trails off, his voice showing his emotion but he has managed to keep himself together. 

On the other hand, I started crying almost as soon as he started speaking. He looks over at me and sees my tears, “It’s okay Hazza, I’m embarrassed and ashamed but I’m okay, it didn’t happen.” 

“Lou Bear, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you are so brave, you took them on having no idea what was going to happen,” I tell him urgently needing him to understand that he didn’t do anything to shame himself. 

“Baby, you were incredible, don’t be embarrassed you did so great,” Diane says.

“No mum, I completely lost all dignity. It’s awful, I couldn’t defend myself.”

“Listen to me Louis, I don’t know anyone except for Paul that could take those guys on by themselves, they were huge and so hell bent on doing harm. The fact that you even tried makes you the strongest person I know. And I know you did it to protect me and I can’t thank you enough. You took care of me earlier, let me take care of me now.” Louis is staring into my eyes while I say this and when I finish he leans into me and I kiss him trying to pour all of my love and support into that kiss. I think he feels it because he pulls back and nods his head.

“Now can I see where he kicked you, twice was it?’

“Yeah twice,” Louis answers, “Just uh give me a little space and please don’t freak out.”

“No one is going to freak out love,” Diane answers as mum and I both stand up and step back a little. Lou looks at us doubtfully and then fumbles with the hem of his shirt and gingerly starts to raise it. I start crying harder. I can’t help it and both Diane and mum gasp loudly, tears in their eyes. So yeah, he was right we all kind of freak out. The only dry eyes in the room are Louis’. 

From his hip bone to his chest on his right there is a massive bruise wrapping around his side. It is darkening from red in some places to deep purple in others. I have never seen such a large bruise, it doesn’t even look like something that can be real. But it is real and it is on my Louis, the love of my life is in excruciating pain and has been trying to hide it from everyone. I don’t even think, I rush to him and ease his shirt back down, “We are going to A&E right now.”

“Yes we are,” Diane agrees, her voice shaking. 

Louis tries to protest but I have already picked him up and started walking to the door. Mum drives, Diane rides shotgun and Lou and I sit in the back. He spends the entire ride trying to convince me he is okay while I repeatedly tell him I love him and plant kisses on his hair and face.

Louis lets me go back with him to see the doctor. They do x-rays and discover he has two fractured ribs with significant capillary bleeding from the force of the impact, that is why the bruise is so big. Luckily his muscles are holding the fractures in place. The doctor tells him he can do his normal activities just no rough housing and they will mend on their own. 

When Louis explains we are about to leave on tour and he will be singing and on stage almost every night the doctor gives him a non-drowsy pain medication and begs him to take it daily.

We are actually in and out pretty quickly and get back to the flat within a few hours to eat our now cold dinner. After that I put Louis and I to bed, giving him his first dose of medication. We switch sides so he can still be the big spoon without laying on his broken ribs.

4

I am laying on the cold asphalt, someone is holding me down. I start to panic and flail but then there is a shooting pain radiating through my side as a boot makes impact. I yell out but no sound leaves my mouth, I am pleading for them to stop but my mouth is moving silently. I beg and beg but he just keeps kicking me.

The scene shifts and my cheek is pressed against a bed. There is a callused hand pinning my hands behind my back, I am flailing and screaming. It is not silent this time, the sound of my pain is bouncing off the walls and ricocheting around the room. But the pain, the pain is the worst I have ever felt, It is like someone is splitting me in half and it burns, burns so bad. 

My eyes fly open and I open my mouth to scream cutting myself off just in time. My breathing is wild and I am trying to calm it down. Slowly I start to become aware of the ache in my side dulled from pain medication and the warm boy in my arms. I focus on the ache and slide a hand to the bruise and press down, the pain radiates out from my touch and my head clears completely. I’m okay.

At least I won’t be getting out of bed to be sick and hold back tears for a while, this bruise will last a long time. 

I focus on the boy in my arms and nuzzle my face into Haz’s hair inhaling his soothing scent feeling the tension leave my body. I love him, I am so glad I got hurt and not him. I would go through it again a million more times to keep him safe. As I doze off I replay the conversation I had with Harry’s mum, Lisa earlier this evening. 

“Thank you for keeping my boy safe. You take such good care of him, I know you put yourself in harm's way to protect him.”

“I always will, always,” I whispered in her ear.

“I know you will Lou…. He is almost 18, you can marry him whenever he is ready,” she whispered back.

I smile again thinking about this. She trusts me enough to already be giving me permission to marry her son. But most of all, she can see that I am completely committed to him and already ready. It took me a little while to realize it but I have been ready since the first night at the bungalow, on the porch. I committed to watch after him that night but without even realizing it I gave him my whole heart at the same time. 

_ “The first few weeks of tour were brutal on Louis, he was in a lot of pain even though he didn’t complain. But by the time we went back after Christmas and New Years he was a lot better.” _

“Honestly, I didn’t hate the pain…. Especially once it dulled and it was less insistent.”

_ “Can you explain what you mean?”  _

_ … _

_ “Louis? Throughout our discussions you have been revealing a tendency towards self harming, can you explain this more?” _

_ … _

_ “Are you ready to talk about it Boo. We passed over it last time we can move on if you aren’t ready.” _

_ “I’m not ready.” _

_ “That’s okay. We will get there when you are ready.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked this one! Next chapter will during UK leg of the Up All Night Tour with lots of drama, fun on stage, Harry and Louis' first fight, and Harry getting humiliated during and interview (sorry).


	10. Up All Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We take just a few seconds to catch our breath and then we fix each other's clothes and hair, nothing can be done about our swollen lips. “You kind of wanted to get caught didn’t you?”
> 
> I blush deeply because he is sort of right. I’m not sure I want to be caught but coming so close was thrilling. Lou gives me a quick kiss and whispers, “dirty boy,” making my cock twitch. We clasp hands and scamper back to the dressing room, giddy and a little giggly. As soon as we enter the dressing room my high fades.
> 
> Hurt/comfort, arguing, smut, fluff, and angst. This chapter has it all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello lovelies! Hope your weekend is going well, I'm kind of sick but that means a lot of time to write. 
> 
> TW: Self-Harm

_ “The Up All Night Tour was a whirlwind and it just kept getting longer.” _

_ “We started with the UK and Ireland, then opened for Big Time Rush in the US, then added Australia and New Zealand, and then back to the US for an American leg.” _

_ “By the time we were in the US the second time we were adjusted to the tour lifestyle but honestly Australia was a mess for me, and we all were falling apart a little by the end of the UK leg.” _

_ “Yeah we had to make some adjustments and well it was bad…” _

_ “It’s okay Haz, we had our first and really only big fight.” _

1

“Good morning beautiful,” I whisper in Harry’s ear as I stroke his hair. I am trying to wake him up gently without disturbing the other boys. We performed in Dublin last night and crashed in a hotel for a few hours, then climbed in an SUV to travel to Belfast. Everyone fell asleep immediately. But I can’t fall asleep and it has been two hours and I’m bored, inexplicably sad, and lonely. 

Haz is sleeping with his head in my lap, looking precious under a soft blue blanket with Rusty clutched in his arms. I hate to disturb his peace but I’m so bored. I try again whispering, “Hazza, baby, wake up,” I gently shake his shoulder this time. 

Harry finally starts to stir and rolls over on his back looking at me with sleepy green eyes, “Are we there?” 

“Shhh, everyone is asleep, we aren’t there yet.”

“Then why are you waking me up, I wanna sleep,” he whines, more quietly this time. 

“I can’t sleep and I’m bored.”

“Lou, just play on your phone or something.”

“It died. Please Haz.”

“No Louis, entertain yourself.”

“Haaaaz, I’ve never been this bored in my entire life,” I whine, not above begging if it will get me out of the doldrums. 

He tries to stay irritated but a little smile appears on his face, he can’t resist me. Yes, I am a bit smug about. Who wouldn’t be if that Harry Styles wrapped around their finger? “You are so dramatic,” He says sighing and sitting up. scooching in close to me. 

I wrap my hands around his arm clinging to his bicep and lay my head on his shoulder. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“Someone is clingy this morning,” he chuckles. Instinctively I start to pull back but he wraps an arm around me and keeps me pressed in close, “No Boo, I like it.”

I sink into his warmth and embrace the sensation of him holding me. This is a difficult thing for me but we have been talking a lot since the whole parking lot attack and broken ribs fiasco. I’m embarrassed about it now but my instinct to hide my injury and emotions is apparently problematic. He has been asking me to be more open and tell him what I need. Harry knows I would do anything for him and he wants me to tell him what I need and want instead of keeping things locked inside. Easier said than done. I’m stubborn and I hate being vulnerable.

I have been trying though, like right now but it is really difficult for me. I have always felt like I need to be tough all the time. At first it was for my mum and sisters and now I also feel responsible for Harry, Liam, Niall, and Zayn. But Harry is understanding and knows I am doing my best. I’m just not willing to show any of my own vulnerability in front of the boys and especially not in front of our management team, Harry respects that. 

There are also some things I just can’t share or get help for like the nightmares and what comes with them. He still doesn’t really know what is going on and I plan to keep it that way. This is my burden to bear, I will not put it on anyone else. 

After a while Harry cuts through me reverie, “Lou Lou, are you gonna tell me what is actually going on?” 

“Hmmm, well it’s true that I was really bored.” Harry waits for me to continue. “But I was also feeling kind of sad and lonely.”

“I’m sorry, why do you think that is?” Harry is really good at making me reflect on my feelings and recognize things I couldn’t put together on my own. 

So I take the time to really think about it before I answer, “I guess with us being on tour everything has been so busy. We are always going to interviews, goofing off, doing shows, fucking,” when I say this I have to smile a little remembering last night. Harry smiles into the top of my head and then plants a kiss there. “You know how I get, I really get caught up in the chaotic energy and I love it so much. But then at times like this when it is quiet and nothing is going on… I kind of feel empty.”

“I could see that, knowing you, that makes a lot of sense. What do you think we can do to help?”

“I don’t know, Haz,” I answer quickly. 

I should have known he wouldn’t be satisfied with that, “think about it for a minute, don’t just give up,” he says patiently. So I do and I have an idea but I feel embarrassed to ask. Harry must sense this because when I have been quiet for a while he says, “it’s okay Lou, just tell me what you need. I want to help.”

I know I am blushing but I make myself speak, “I guess I kind of need to be weaned off it…. Like when we have been busy for days I don’t like suddenly being left alone. Like being awake in a car while all of my mates are asleep…”

“Okay, so I will try to be aware of that and not leave you alone in those situations. And in times like this, if I don’t realize just come get me. Can you do that?”

“Yes,” I answer in a quiet voice still feeling embarrassed about asking.

Harry knows so he wraps both arms around me and hugs me close. “I’m proud of you, thank you for waking me up and talking to me about this.” He does make me feel a bit better in a roundabout way, I am helping Harry by letting him help me.

We spend the rest of the drive cuddling and chatting sporadically. By the time we make it to Belfast I feel like myself again and I’m ready to take on the day. I start by using an air horn app on my phone to wake Zayn, Niall, and Liam from their puppy pile in the other row. 

2

Today has been really hectic, I am really glad I started it off snuggled up with Louis in the back of the car because I have barely seen him. We were kept apart doing separate interviews and now that we are at the venue he has disappeared with Zayn somewhere, god only knows what they’re up to. 

I am lounging with Niall in the dressing room, we still have a while before we have to get ready for the show. There is a tv in here and we have it turned on to some talking head news channel neither of us are paying attention to. I am starting to doze off when two sets of running feet startle me as they pass the door. I can distinctly hear Louis’ laughter and Zayn yelling at him to run faster. I am glad Lou is back to normal and thriving. It has been a little over a month since his injury and he isn’t in pain anymore, the bruise is still fading, currently a nasty yellow/green color.

A few moments later Liam runs up to the door and shouts, “Which way did they go!?”

I shrug, not wanting to get in the middle of this and to my surprise Niall mumbles, “Can everyone just shut the fuck up?” Liam looks at him a little offended and then takes off down the hall hearing Louis taunting him from a distance. 

“Liam, now that I have your phone, should I text your mum or your girlfriend?”

Once the chaos has moved out of earshot I turn to Niall, “You okay, mate?”

“I’m fine. Sorry,” he answers, the aggression has left his voice and he sounds sad. 

“If you want to talk about it I’m here.” Niall doesn’t respond so I just turn my attention to the TV and try to follow the program. I am so out of touch with current events that I can’t make heads or tales of it. I should start reading the newspaper. 

After about 20 minutes Niall turns to me, “I’m just frustrated,” startling me a little.

“What’s going on?” I ask, still looking at the tv not wanting to put him off by being too intense. 

“It’s dumb but I kind of miss my mum and I was supposed to call her in a few minutes but my phone isn’t working.”

This is so solvable, no need for him to be upset. “Easy, just call her on my phone.”

“You sure? You don’t mind?” Niall asks hopefully. 

“Course not,” I unlock my phone and hand it over to him. At this moment Liam and Zayn wander in, Liam is laughing so whatever happened couldn’t have been that bad. “Where is Louis?” I ask them. 

“Once I got my phone back and saw what Louis texted my mum, these two losers ran off and hid. Kind of triggered a game of hide and seek, found Zayn but Lou disappeared,” Liam answered, taking a long time to get to the point. 

“What did he text?” Niall asks regaining his cheerful demeanor.

“He told my mum to text Danielle some of my baby pictures… claiming she has been asking to see them” Niall and I can’t help but laugh at this as Zayn stands there with a knowing grin having been in on it.

I stand up, “Better go find him, we need to start getting ready soon.” As if I summoned them the stylists wander in followed by hair and makeup. On my way out the door I pass Jim and Melissa, deep in conversation. 

Jim looks up at me, “You need to be in there.”

I smile at him and say, “I know, I’m just gonna go grab Lou.”

“Make it quick,” Jim responds. This is one of the things that is unfair. If the roles had been switched Louis would have to argue to be able to go get me instead of someone else being sent.

I head in the direction Louis ran earlier and start calling for him, “Boo Bear!” I wander through the complex of hallways and within just a few minutes, there is a response to my calls. 

“Haz?” I look around trying to find the source of the sound. I finally spot him wiggling out from between two vending machines in a dark corridor. 

“Baby!” I rush to him, “That seems dangerous, why are you hiding there?”

“Liam didn’t find me, did he?” he quips back. I smile at him, he catches my eyes and bites his bottom lip. Fuck. This probably isn’t the best time for this but now that he is looking at me like that in a slightly secluded corridor… Louis looks around, seeing we are alone he is pushing me against a wall in the shadows behind the row of vending machines. 

“We need to get back,” I protest weekly.

“This doesn’t have to take long,'' he smirks. At that I lock my lips with his jamming my tongue in his mouth forcing his lips to part. This is risky and we could so easily get caught but that is also the reason I am already so hard. I like a little risk. 

Louis returns my kiss and wastes no time getting his hands on me, already rubbing my cock over my joggers, he moans when he feels my hard on. “Fuck Haz, you’re ready to go.” He hooks his hands in the elastic waistband and slides my sweats just under my balls, “No pants?” 

I mirror his movement and free his cock as well, “you don’t have them on either.” We have done this so many times in so many places it only takes us a few seconds to angle our bodies so we can jerk each other at the same time while still kissing. 

Louis sets a fast pace that I follow, using precum to lube things up though it is still pretty rough. We have to keep our mouths pressed together so we don’t make any noise. Moaning would be the quickest way for us to get caught. We bite down on each other's lips when we get overwhelmed, keeping everything quiet. 

Shit I hear footsteps heading our way, pretty well concealed as long as no one uses one of the machines. My heart is pounding as the footsteps draw nearer, but I can’t make myself let go of Louis. Instead I am pulling at him harder nudging him to do the same. Fuck, I am about to come, like now, wild with the threat of being walked in on. 

I break away from Louis’ lips and gesture my chin downwards, he knows what I mean and drops to his knees taking the tip of my cock in his mouth as he keeps pumping. Right as the footsteps pass the corridor, heat radiates out from my pelvis. I am coming right at the moment we are in the most danger of discovery, adrenaline and pleasure mixing in my veins. I shove my hand over my face, preventing any sounds from escaping as I fill Louis’ mouth.

Louis is pulling off and gently licking up any excess as the footsteps start to fade in the other direction. We switch places and he whispers, “so close.” I don’t know if he means he is gonna come or that we almost got caught. Now on my knees with him standing, I swirl my tongue around his head and then wrap my mouth around it. My hand goes to the base of his cock and I move my mouth and hand in unison, working up to a feverish pace. It doesn’t take long before he is blowing his load, one hand tangled in my hair the other stifling his moans. My mouth is filled with his briny sweetness and I accidentally let out a small pleased sound. 

We take just a few seconds to catch our breath and then we fix each other's clothes and hair, nothing can be done about our swollen lips. “You kind of wanted to get caught didn’t you?”

I blush deeply because he is sort of right. I’m not sure I want to be caught but coming so close was thrilling. Lou gives me a quick kiss and whispers, “dirty boy,” making my cock twitch. We clasp hands and scamper back to the dressing room, giddy and a little giggly. 

As soon as we enter the dressing room my high fades as we are faced with Jim and Melissa standing shoulder to shoulder looking at something in Melissa’s hand. That something is my phone.

“Well, here is a good lesson on not leaving your phone lying around, especially unlocked,” Jim says eyeing me. 

I look around and catch Niall’s eyes as Tina is styling his hair, “I’m sorry Harry, I had to get my hair done and I must have left it unlocked.” 

“Don’t worry,” Melissa adds, “We didn’t read anything, wallpaper is cute though.” Melissa hands my phone back, Louis looks over my shoulder to see my homescreen, that adorable picture of him asleep the morning I went to Victoria’s. My heart drops, that was supposed to be private, no one was meant to see it but me. Louis will hate this so much. My hand drifts to my necklace, tracing the angles of the paper plane, trying to stay calm. Louis is going to be so mad. 

Melissa makes it infinitely worse by saying in an overly sweet voice, “sweet little guy.” She looks at Louis, “maybe you aren’t so tough after all, just throwing little temper tantrums.”

3

“Sweet little guy. Maybe you aren’t so tough after all, just throwing little temper tantrums.”

I can hear the blood pulsing in my ears and my cheeks are hot with shame. What the fuck is happening? How did they get Harry’s phone and what is that picture? I have never seen it before. I hate it, I look so fragile, sleeping cuddled with Rusty. I had no idea I look like that when I sleep, as breakable as glass. 

How dare he, I can’t believe Harry took that. I can’t believe he put it as his wallpaper. I can’t believe he let anyone see it. He told me I could be vulnerable around him and no one would know. But now Niall, Jim, Melissa, I have no idea who else saw me looking so weak. 

Tina is finishing up Niall’s hair. She looks at me, “you’re next Louis.” I walk over to the chair not looking back at Haz.

Usually shows fly by but this one feels like it is lasting forever. I go through the motions, say the right things, sing the right notes, smile at the right times, and avoid Harry. Our normal antics on stage are nowhere to be found, that will make Jim happy, he won’t have to tell us off after. I just don’t want to be here right now. I just want a smoke and…. Well I don’t know what I want or where I want to be but it’s not here. 

When the show finally ends I change quickly and am the first out to the car. When the other boys get in I pull Zayn down in the seat next to me before Harry can even think of taking it. The tension between the two of us spoils everyone’s mood, no one speaks as we ride to the hotel. I’m glad, I don’t want to talk. 

We get out at the hotel and I hang back to smoke. Paul stays with me while the other security walk in with the boys. He leads me around to a secluded area and he has the good sense not to talk to me while I chain three cigarettes.

Inside someone hands me a key and tells me, room 231. When I enter the door Harry is just standing in the middle of the room, shoes still on looking like he doesn’t know what to do. I kick my shoes off and look at him. “What are you staring at?”

“Louis, I’m sorry,” he sounds so sad and normally that would make me run to him with open arms but I feel betrayed right now. Instead anger is building, he is going to act pitiful? Like I wronged him. He did this to me. 

“Save it.” I walk over to our suitcase and unzip it but I can’t leave this, my chest feels tight like it is going to explode. I whirl back around to face him, “What the fuck was that picture?”

“I’m sorry, I took it back in December before I left for that stunt with Victoria, you just looked so sweet. It made me so happy to look at it so I made it my home screen so I could see it all the time. I didn’t think anyone would see it.”

I have no filter right now words are just flowing out of my mouth, “No one would see it? That’s brilliant! Then why did Niall have your phone?”

“I forgot…” there are tears forming in his eyes, I should stop but I can’t

“Well great you forgot, and now I’ve been humiliated! Fucking Jim and Melissa saw that and they are already using it to discredit me! I trusted you!”

Harry’s tears stop, now he is getting angry, “it is not that big of a deal! Why does everything have to be such a drama with you Louis?”

“Not a big deal? Not a big deal you say? You know it’s a big deal to me! You know how insecure I am about looking week or small! You know this because I told you, I trusted you with my deepest insecurities. And then you just throw it out there for anyone to see. Leaving a photo of tiny little Louis sleeping with a stuffie laying around for anyone to see!”

“Why is it such a big deal? I traipse around everywhere we go sleeping and cuddling with Rusty, everyone has seen and no one gives a shit!”

“Well that’s because it’s you Haz! You can be weak and everyone will still adore you! I have to be strong, someone has to be! Who the hell is going to take care of you if I’m not?” Fuck my stupid fucking temper, I didn’t mean that, why did I say that?

Harry looks like I just punched him in the face. “You think I’m weak? I never said I wanted you to take care of me, so stop trying so hard!” 

All of the anger immediately drains out of me in an instant leaving me hollow. Harry doesn’t need me doesn’t want me..

I turn and walk into the bathroom locking the door behind me. When I’m alone I drop to the floor and use all of my strength to ram my fist into my thigh three times in a row, hitting the same spot. I will NOT let myself cry but I don’t know how to release these emotions. So, I just press my hand hard into the sore spot keeping the pain alive and riding it out. 

I stay on the ground fighting to keep my tears in occasionally having to land another solid hit on my already sore leg. I’m such a wanker, I lost my temper and said things I didn’t mean in an awful way. Harry is very strong. It is just a different strength from what I have and I put the pressure on myself to take care of him. I have told him over and over that I will look after him, and I do. But he has never asked me to and always is appreciative. I made him sound like a burden when really he is my happiness. 

I love being with him, I just love him. I would do anything for him and I have to fix this. This is what everyone wants, I am sitting here suffering on my own while Harry is out there suffering on his own. I can’t allow bratty comments from management and my own insecurities drive a wedge between us. 

I check the time on my phone and realize it has taken me well over an hour to calm down and sort all of this out. I have text from an hour and a half ago. 

Harry: Sleeping in Liam’s room tonight. 

He left, a new wave of panic and distress washes over me. He left me, he doesn’t even want to be in the same room as me. No, I can’t spiral out of control again, I’ll just go to bed and hopefully we can talk in the morning. I’m sure he just needs some space. 

I climb in bed not even bothering to shower or take off my clothes. If I can just sleep now, I can see Harry in the morning, I will beg and grovel for his forgiveness, anything. I toss and turn in bed for what feels like hours, unable to stop imaging Harry alone and upset in Liam’s second bed. I hope he brought Rusty. I should check. I find Rusty right at the top of his bag when I unzip it. Fuck. Well, I’m just gonna bring this to him so he isn’t completely alone and then I will leave him alone. Or at least I’m telling myself this, I’m just desperate to put eyes on him and see how he is doing. 

Before I can change my mind I call a very confused Paul, waking him up by insisting he gives me Liam’s room number. It is almost three in the morning but I don’t bother to explain myself and take off down the hall with the information I need.

When I knock on the door, Liam answers reluctantly. He looks exhausted, “Well Harry looks just as bad as you and hasn’t slept at all. I don’t think he wants to see you though.” 

“Just let me in for a second and then I will leave, okay?” I plead.

“I don’t think so, Louis,” Liam responds hesitantly.

Frustration slips into my voice as I say, “I’m asking as a courtesy, don’t make me force my way in.”

Liam sighs and steps back from the door letting me in. There is one lamp casting dim light in the room and Harry is laying on the furthest bed facing away from me but I can see his shoulders shaking. I immediately rush over to him and kneel by his bedside. He is looking at me through tear rimmed eyes, but I can’t tell what he is thinking. 

I know Liam is watching and Harry knows Liam is watching but I can’t worry about that right now. I hold the stuffed cat up in front of my face so I am looking at him. “I’m not ashamed of you, I love how soft and cuddly you are and when Harry gets up before I get out of bed you keep me company.” I bring Rusty to my lips and give him a smooch on the nose and then offer him to Harry, “You forgot something.” 

I am shocked when Harry flies at me, for a moment I think he is attacking me but as I fall back, sitting hard on my bum he is in my lap and wrapping his arms and legs around me. “No! I forgot my Lou,” He says into my shoulder still crying. 

“Shhhh, baby don’t cry,” I sooth as I stroke the back off his head, “I’m so sorry.”

“I’m sorry too,” He says between sniffles as he starts to calm down. 

“You are so strong, the strongest person I know. It’s so brave how you are so open about who you are with the world, so willing to be vulnerable. I wish I could be as brave as you.”

“You’re brave too Louis, it’s easier to be myself when I know you are always behind me, ready and willing to defend me. I like that you protect me, please don’t stop.” 

I pull Harry into a tighter hug, holding him firmly, “I will never stop. No matter what.”

We stay huddled together on the floor until Liam breaks us out of our little bubble, “I’m really glad you guys made up but can I go to bed now.” 

“Sorry Liam,” I say as we stand up, “Thank you for being such a good friend.” 

As we are walking out the door, Rusty in tow, Liam responds, “Yeah. Yeah. I love you two dorks.”

Harry and I respond in unison, “we love you too, Liam.”

Once we make it into our room I grab my cigarettes and strip the duvet off the bed, dragging it out to the balcony. Harry follows me as I say, “I know it’s late but it has been too long. I think we need this.”

“We do,” he agrees. 

I know we will be exhausted tomorrow but it is the last show of the UK shows. We are still cuddled up on the deck chatting non-stop like we haven’t seen each other in years when the sun rises. 

“I guess we took the  _ Up All Night _ thing a little too seriously,” Harry comments looking cheeky. 

It’s a terrible joke but it still makes me chuckle as I start singing  _ Up All Night  _ with way more energy than should be possible right now, smiling when he joins in with the same amount of enthusiasm.

_ “And you say that is the biggest argument you have ever had?” _

_ “Yeah, we don’t really argue at all” _

_ “That is really interesting considering you are always under so much stress.” _

_ “Well that’s the thing, we are under so much pressure from other people. It’s not like we don’t get mad or upset but we know how to place the blame on the right party and not each other.” _

_ “Yeah we do sometimes get heated and shout in agreement about something. That’s kind of weird huh? _

_ “I wouldn’t say it’s weird as long as it works for you. So how did things go after the first part of the tour?” _

_ “Well, Little Bit over here turned 18. We went all around Europe for the first part of February playing at festivals and stuff. Then we were off to America to open ten shows for Big Time Rush, Appear on The Today Show, and do a massive radio campaign to help us break into the market.” _

_ “Yeah, I thought we were busy before but it was nothing like that. Jim and Melissa together ran a tight ship almost every minute of every day was spoken for. Not that it was any better after Melissa left.” _

_ “She left?” _

_ “Well she got canned. Isn’t that right Louis?” _

_ “She deserved it!” _

_ “She did… oh my god… I hate talking about this… we were supposed to never mention it again. But it was kind of pivotal so I guess we better.” _

_ “Yeah, I ended up showing some of my cards. It was worth it though to get rid of that bitch.” _

4

We are playing Boston tonight and I am exhausted. It has been days of shows every night preceded by full days of radio interviews. Dragging ourselves off the bus for some ungodly early morning show and not making it back until after the show. 

The bus is kind of new to us, we didn’t travel such long distances in the UK. So we have had to adjust to living out of suitcases on the bus. It seems huge but once we are packed in there it feels pretty small and no one ever gets to be alone (Lou and I ever get to be alone together). 

Really the only thing I like about the bus is what everyone else hates, the bunks. Liam, Niall and Zayn are constantly whinging about how small they are. Niall has to leave his curtain open so he doesn’t freak out. And yeah, they are a bit claustrophobic but Lou and I love our little cave. It just barely fits both of us, me tucked on the inside and Louis on the outside. We sleep so fucking well though, really its like normal we always sleep pressed together. 

I am happily cocooned in Louis warmth, fast asleep, when Niall pulls our curtain open. “Wake up lads, we need to leave in like twenty minutes.” 

I groan, I really don’t want to wake up, we have been running on five hours of sleep a night for too long. Louis starts brushing through my hair with his finger, “It’s okay love, you can sleep on me in the car.”

Apparently Niall is still there because he keeps talking, “I still can’t believe you two can actually sleep crammed up like that, it’s cute though.”

“Oh hush, we have always slept like this.” Louis says swatting at Niall so he will go away. Once he is gone Louis whispers, “Roll over and give me a kiss, pulling the curtain back closed.” We snog sleepily for a few minutes until Liam walks into the bunkroom and shouts, “Louis, Harry get out of bed!” As we slide out of our bunk we find Liam leaning over Zayn’s bunk trying to wake him up, good luck with that. 

There is a blur of activity, everyone bumping into each other and shouting out advice on what to wear. I beg Louis to wear braces and he agrees. I mean he wears them like all the time, but I love him in them so much with his trousers rolled up at the cuffs. I can barely keep my hands off him. 

We pile into a rented car, no way we would try to get around in the bus all day in Boston. Melissa is our handler as she has been everyday in America. It makes sense media relations is her job but she grates on everyone’s nerves, especially Lou’s. She is already in the car with Paul and the driver. Remembering Louis said I could sleep on him, I snuggle into his side and lay my head on his shoulder. He clings to me seeking warmth as he shivers, that boy is always cold. 

I doze through Melissa’s briefing, it’s the same stuff she tells us everyday so I don’t miss anything. She must be aware of that because she doesn’t even bother to call me out for sleeping. Lou fills me in later letting me know we have five interviews.

The morning actually goes by pretty quickly as we rush between radio studios being asked basically the same questions in every interview. I have described how the US is different from the UK more times than I could count in over heated studios while guzzling water to cool down. 

There’s a big difference, Americans seem to be completely obsessed with turning the heating up too high. The only one that doesn’t mind is Louis, Boston in the winter is not agreeing with him. By the time we are eating a rushed lunch in the car he is wearing my beanie and has my gloves in his pockets. I tried to give him my coat but Melissa isn’t having it, she says it is too obvious. 

It never fails to baffle me how Lou can think of everything me or the boys might need during the day. Sweeping the bus before we leave collecting forgotten cell phones, chargers, wallets, and whatnot, handing them out to us in the car. Yet, he is blissfully unaware of his own needs, mister always cold is wearing Toms without socks and a cardigan instead of a coat. 

We are stuck in traffic which is thoroughly stressing Melissa out making all of us nervous as she starts picking us apart to release her own anxiety. When we are done eating I wrap my arms around Louis and hold him close rubbing his hands in between mine as they are still a bit blue. When I move I feel a twinge in my bladder, I guess all of that water I have been drinking is starting to catch up with me. I can go to the loo once we get to the studio though, not a big deal. 

By the time we arrive Melissa is frazzled and angry that we are running late, insisting it will put us off our schedule for the rest of the afternoon. I don’t even bother to try to slip off to the bathroom as we are immediately rushed into the broadcast room. I will just go after. 

This interview is actually a lot of fun. They are asking fan questions and picked some really creative ones. Like, who sleeps the most (Zayn), who has the smelliest feet (Louis), and who is the food thief (apparently me). We are also performing  _ NaNaNa _ , it is always fun to cap off our interviews with a song. I do have to drink some water though to keep my throat from getting too dry in the heating, something I’m not too keen on since my need for the bathroom is getting a little more intense. 

Once we finish up the interview Melissa gathers us to get in the car and I move towards the bathroom, she catches me by the sleeve. “Where are you going?” 

“The loo.” 

“Gonna have to wait, we are already late for our next interview.” Louis looks at me concerned but I shrug, I can wait until we get to the next studio. I am ushered into the car and forget about my need as Louis and I realize we haven’t kissed since this morning. We spend the whole ride trying to squeeze in sneaky kisses (probably not that sneaky). I am flushed and giggly by the time we arrive as I have been showered in silly compliments between kisses. Lou spent almost five minutes talking about how much he likes the one freckle on my left cheek until everyone in the car was groaning and begging him to just snog me already and shut up. 

We are once again ushered straight into the broadcast studio as we are late for the interview. About halfway through the interview I am reminded that I have to wee when I am hit with a powerful urge. Of course it is at the same time the host starts grilling me on my relationships, bringing up Victoria and the multiple girls I've supposedly been spotted leaving clubs with in Europe. I’ve only been 18 for a month, apparently I have been busy. In reality, those evenings were probably spent in hotel rooms playing Xbox with the boys or watching girly films with Louis.

I answer these questions without giving away any real information being sure to mask any irritation. I hate when interviews go in this direction, it always brings Louis’ mood down, which is a shame because he was absolutely radiant with happy energy before this interview. As I speak, I watch the clouds roll in, dimming his light. God, this makes me so annoyed, and I really wish I could go for a wee, I am starting to feel uncomfortable. 

As soon as the interview is over I make my move, but get caught in the back of the group walking out the door. In the hallway I try to peel away without asking but I only make it a few steps before Melissa is shouting, “Harry! Don’t go anywhere. If we leave now we will be on schedule.”

“Umm I need to go to the bathroom really quick,” I say looking at my feet.

“You can hold it, if we leave now there will be time for you to go when we get there.”

I am feeling a bit silly now, everyone knows I have a small bladder but I still get embarrassed and I don’t want to admit in front of everyone that it’s urgent. I will just have to wait. Louis looks at me and then opens his mouth to say something to Melissa but I grab his arm and shake my head whispering, “I can wait.” 

I reluctantly allow him to usher me into the car already regretting my decision as the pulsing in my bladder intensifies. I take the window seat and curl in on myself not reaching for cuddles like normal. I’m a bit focused on holding me pee but I try to join the conversation with the boys. Everyone is pretty tired and Louis is still in a bit of a sour mood from the turn the interview took. So things fall quiet pretty quickly. I really wish they would keep talking, it was helping distract me. 

After we have been on the road a few minutes the car comes to a stop, we are in traffic again. I let out a moan at the same time Melissa exclaims, “Shit!”

“You okay Haz?”

I look around to see if the other boys are paying attention and Zayn is looking right at us, so I answer untruthfully, “fine, I just hate traffic.” Louis tries to give me a cuddle but I scooch away from him and tightly cross my legs relieving some of the pressure. Lou looks a little hurt but I don’t need anyone squeezing my torso right now. 

Ten minutes of crossing and uncrossing my legs have passed. My bladder is pulsing painfully and my lower back and stomach hurt from clenching my muscles. At least the car is moving again, we are actually getting up to a good speed when the driver slams on the brakes at a red light causing the seatbelt to jam into my bladder. I actually almost lose some piss and have to quickly grasp my crotch to stop it from happening. As soon as I feel under control I move my hands but I can’t help but squirm around in my seat trying to relieve the pressure. I am starting to sweat and panic, I was really close to weeing myself there. That cannot happen. 

I glance over to Louis and see that he is staring at me looking very concerned. He leans over and whispers in my ear, “You really need to go, don’t you?” I nod my head and jam my hands in my crotch again as we stop at another red light. “It’s okay baby, we will get you to the loo before the next interview,” Louis sooths. He spends the rest of the ride gently rubbing circles on my back and whispering to me about anything and everything, trying to distract me. It helps a little but I am still squirming quite a lot trying to find a comfortable position. 

As soon as the car pulls up in the parking garage we move to get out, Louis unfastening my seat belt for me. We are in the back of the car though so we have to wait for everyone else. On the lift to the radio station Melissa is fretting, “That traffic made us late again, we really need to move.” 

I look at Louis desperately as I shift from foot to foot, the movement of the lift really making it hard to keep my bladder under control as the liquid filling it sloshes around. Of course we are immediately ushered right outside the broadcasting room when we step off the lift since we are late. The assistant that met us says, “30 seconds, then you go in.” I reach over and grab Louis' hand squeezing tight. I absolutely cannot make it through another interview. 

He speaks up causing me to sigh in relief but as I relax I feel a small spurt of wee escape into my boxers. Fuck. I give myself a quick squeeze and look down, relieved that it is not visible on my trousers. “Hold on a second, Harry needs the Loo first.”

Melissa turns to him looking very irritated, “this is the last interview, I’m sure Harry can wait until it is over.” 

Everyone is looking at me now but I know it will be a lot more embarrassing if I actually piss my pants so I speak up, “it’s quite urgent, like an emergency.” 

Melissa rolls her eyes, “I’m sick of you asking me to go to the bathroom today, you can hold it like a big boy.” She flashes a warning look at Louis, “You can kick up a fit but it won’t change my mind.”

That doesn’t stop Louis, “He has been asking all day because you haven’t let him go yet!” he protests but is cut off from further commentary as we are basically pushed into the studio and shushed, we are on air. Melissa lines us up in front of the microphones. I am on the end, then Niall, Zayn, Louis, and Liam. Of course she wouldn’t put us next to each other. I notice Louis stepping a little in front of the rest of us so he can keep a clear line of sight on me, he gives me an encouraging nod as the interviewer starts introducing us. 

I should be paying attention but I can’t think of anything except the liquid trying to force its way out of my body and the uncomfortable damp patch on my boxers. Which grows a little as I lose control for a second time and leak again. This cannot be happening. I can feel myself sweating and my cheeks are on fire. Niall elbows my arm and I look up confused, I didn’t hear anything. 

“Sorry what was that?” I say getting even more flustered and embarrassed. 

“Your name,” Niall chuckles.

“Oh yeah, I’m Harry.”

The interviewer makes some joke about me being distracted that I don’t hear but try to laugh at anyway. Laughing, even the fake kind is a bad idea as I feel another jet of urine wet my boxers, which are really damp now, I’m too scared to check my trousers. 

The interview goes into a question about our favorite food in the US, I am trying to think of something so I don’t embarrass myself again as I shift from foot to foot and try stretching a little to relieve the pressure. It helps a little but I can’t stay like this. I straighten up and give my answer last, “McDonalds is better here.”

“Oh really, I wouldn’t have thought that. What’s different?”

Oh shit, what is different, we talked about this yesterday over lunch. “Umm. The menu. Uhh yeah the menu....” what was it, shit. I can’t focus enough to think of this, I have to focus on not pissing, that is taking up all of my mental capacity. I try to casually give myself a squeeze by putting my hand in my pocket, relieving the pressure for a second. Fuck, I forgot I am answering a question. “The food…”

Louis jumps in, “the menu is much bigger, so many more options.” I love that man, always there to save my ass. They discuss this for a second and then the interviewer moves on. 

“So any lucky ladies in your lives?” Liam takes this one, as he is the only one with a girlfriend (they never ask about boyfriends). 

As Liam is talking about Danielle my grip is slipping fast, I leak and it’s bigger this time. I quickly look down and see a small wet spot on the front of my trousers. Seeing this my body just goes rogue and lets out a long jet of piss before I can stop it. I watch as the wet spot grows bigger. I jam my hands in between my legs and squeeze tight. Stop. Stop. Stop. I somehow manage to cut it off but there is a lot of damage, the front of my crotch is soaked through, leaving a large wet spot on my trousers. Seeing this my eyes start to water and a tear slips down my cheek, this can’t be happening. 

I glance at Louis catching his eyes, I don’t really want him to see me like this but he is the only one I trust enough to help me. Not that there is anything he can do. He sees me clearly noting the tears springing out of my eyes faster than I could even try to wipe them. His eyes roam down a little. I know he sees the wet spot because his eyes go wide, a look of fury crossing his face. I know the anger isn’t for me because when he looks back up he has a softer expression and gestures towards the door. 

I shake my head no, I don’t think I’m allowed to leave and honestly I’m not sure I can even make it. At the realization that I am probably going to completely wet myself another huge urge hits me. I clamp my hands on my crotch, barely holding on.

There is a gentle hand on my back. Louis has walked up behind me. He pulls me away from the mic so it doesn’t pick anything up. Everyone has definitely noticed something is going on now. But Liam, Zayn, and Niall are trying to keep the interview going. Louis whispers in my ear, “just go, I will cover for you.” When I don’t move he encourages me, “you can do this, the loo is just a few doors down.” 

I gather all of my waning control and nod my head, stepping towards the door. The movement really is bad, I make it across the room just feet from the door when another long stream escapes. I can feel it starting to run down my thighs. I grab myself again. Stop. Please stop. At least let me get out of the room. 

I cut it off but I know I can’t hold it much longer. Shit, it’s too late, I have already failed. If I stay here I will wee myself and if I move I will wee myself. I can only imagine what I look like standing here stock still, hands jammed between my legs, and tears streaming down my face. Picturing this my tears come faster and I let out a little sob. This movement of my diaphragm does it and I feel hot liquid gush out of me, immediately soaking my trousers all the way down the legs and pooling in my shoes. My hands are still jammed in my crotch as I try to stop, piss is dripping from my hands starting to make a puddle on the floor.

I can faintly hear the interviewer transitioning into a commercial break.

5

I am staring at Harry as he rushes to the door of the studio already trying to sort out a plan for the wet spot on his trousers, how can we hide that before the others realize? This train of thought quickly becomes irrelevant when he freezes right in front of the door jamming his hands between his legs. Fuck. 

He stands there for a second and it is like the whole room is frozen just staring at him until he lets out a sob and soaks his trousers. I spring into action immediately and so does the radio host cutting to a commercial break, god bless him. 

When I reach Harry, he is frozen in place still peeing and I genuinely don’t know what to do. I place a hand on his back and say in a calm voice, suppressing my own panic at the situation, “I’m here baby.” Melissa gives a pointed cough at my use of a pet name but I just shoot her a glare, not the time. 

Harry looks over at me and whimpers out, “I’m trying to stop, but I can’t, I can’t stop.” I notice his hands are still desperately holding onto his crotch getting soaked with urine. 

“It’s okay love, it’s okay,” I say as I gently grab his wrists and move his hands, “let go, it’s okay, you’re getting your hands messy.”

“I’m sorry, I tried but i couldn’t hold it anymore.” he whines pitifully. 

“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault.” I was not prepared for this, who is prepared to comfort their boyfriend while he pisses his pants in a room full of people. I get a good look at his face contorted with shame and embarrassment, eyes rimmed red, fresh tears still flowing. Melissa is going to pay for this. “Just stop when you can and we will go to the bathroom.”

After what feels like forever, but probably isn’t that long the sound of pee hitting the floor stops, “Are you good now Hazza?” he nods bringing his hands to cover his face, trying to hide. I quickly catch his wrists, “no, no, lets not do that,” I don’t want him getting urine all over his face. I take his elbow and lead him out of the room, as the door is shutting behind me I can hear the previously silent studio erupt with voices. 

I quickly usher Harry into the bathroom feeling really grateful it is a single, we don’t have to worry about anyone else walking in. I lead him to the toilet and he just frowns at me, “I don’t think there is any left,” he says so quietly I can barely hear him.

“Just try,” I say. He does, struggling to unzip and free himself from the wet clothes but he was right there is barely anything left. After he zips back up he looks at me, he still has a deer in the headlights look, he isn’t sobbing but there is a consistent stream of tears streaking down his face. 

“I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say.” He sounds so helpless and small. 

I grab him and pull him into a hug, I really don’t give a shit if my clothes get wet. He leans into the hug burying his face in my shoulder. After a few minutes I tell him, “You don’t have to do anything and you don’t have to say anything. Let me handle this Princess.” Plans are already formulating in my head, most of them to take care of Haz but a small plan to get rid of Melissa is in its infancy. 

At the sound of his favorite pet name he pulls back and nods, “okay.”

I cross to the door, Harry grabs my hand so I let him come with me but keep him out of sight when I crack the door open. I find exactly what I was expecting, Paul in the hallway, “please make sure the car is pulled up and warm, we are going to get in and wait for the others when we are done in here.”

“It’s already done,” he says nodding at me. I nod back in appreciation and then close the door leading Harry over to the paper towel dispenser. I take stock of the damage, trousers are basically completely soaked as well as shoes and socks, even the hem of his shirt is a little wet. 

I start pulling out paper towels and drying him the best that I can, just so his clothes aren’t dripping. I work my way down to his shoes and untie them, slipping each shoe and sock off one at a time as he balances. I dry his feet with a paper towel and look at him, “you are just going to pretend to be me, no shoes.” He tries to smile at the joke but it comes out more like a grimace, further breaking my heart. 

“Okay love, wash your hands and we can go after I have a quick wee.” He looks at me. “What? I need to go quite badly myself. Unless you want me to wee in my pants too, I absolutely will if that will make you feel better.” This is meant to be a joke but it comes out earnestly reflecting how much I truly mean it. I would, just to make him feel better. 

My seriousness finally gets the smile I have been looking for. He giggles, “No use the toilet, we would really be a mess then.” he laughs a little more as I have a wee and he washes his hands. When I go to wash my hands he is still smiling a little but when we make it to the door and have to face other people his face drops again. At the very least I got rid of his embarrassment in front of me.

I lead him out with a hand placed firmly on his back steering him to the lift, he is staring at the ground as we walk. Paul is waiting for us, he has been holding the lift. We make it to the car without running into anyone. 

Once we climb in I sit in my normal back corner seat but he freezes before he sits down next to me. “The seats,” he whispers. I want to tell him not to worry about it but I know that won’t work so instead I pat my lap. He shakes his head no, “I’ll soil your clothes.”

I look down at myself, there are already several wet spots from hugging him and cleaning him up. “I’m already wet,” I shrug. That was clearly the wrong thing to say because he starts crying again. I slide my cardigan off and put it over my lap, I don’t think it will do much to protect my clothes but if it makes him feel better. “C’mere baby.” 

My solution seems to appease him and he sits in my lap, I arrange him so that his feet are in the seat he would have been occupying and his back is resting against the window. This way my hands are free for soothing which I set to immediately, wiping his tears and rubbing his belly knowing it must be sore from clenching for so long. He starts to relax under my touch but tenses up again as we see everyone else approaching the car. 

“Don’t worry about it, remember you don’t have to say anything and you know I won’t let anyone fuck with you.” I kiss his cheek and resume rubbing his tummy. Everyone files into the car silently and doesn’t speak as we start to pull away. 

Once we are on the road Melissa opens her mouth, “What a mess, I’m calling Jeff, we need a plan.” 

I stare her down, “You have done quite enough. It’s time for you to shut up and color, I’m taking care of this.” Her mouth gapes in shock but I keep going. “Paul, can you contact the rest of security and make sure there are no fans hanging around? Once we get there we will need to get to the nearest shower in the venue.” Paul nods. 

Since the bus is already at the venue, that is where we left from this morning, I assign the boys the other task. “Guys please get clean and comfy clothes for both Harry and I and bring them to the shower, grab the kitty too. Then if you can give us some time alone on the bus it would be much appreciated.” 

“Of course,” Zayn responds and then all of them tell Harry it’s okay and they are sorry this happened. 

When they are done I ask, “Let’s have a quiet ride, yeah?” In the quiet I settle into the seat more and wrap my arms around Haz, occasionally planting kisses on his face, arms, hands, wherever I can reach while doing a little research on my phone.. I catch Melissa staring at us, “What the fuck are you looking at?”

There is some timidity in her voice when she responds, “I’m sorry. I think I misjudged you Louis.” 

“Too little, too late, Melissa.”

An hour later Harry and I are alone on the bus tucked into our bunk, his (our) favorite place. He hasn’t said much at all since we got in the car but that is okay, he is just laying in my arms fidgeting with Rusty’s whiskers. He is cycling between calm and crying. Right now he is transitioning into crying and I don’t want him to cry anymore so I start singing trying to calm him down. I choose the lullaby I always sing to my sisters. 

This works and he is more calm than he has been all evening and he starts to speak, “I can’t believe I pissed my pants at 18. It’s so humiliating, who does that?” 

I want to make him feel better so I tread into dangerous territory. Delicately trying to extract one piece of my secret without triggering the rest of it. “I did.”

“What?” he asks, shocked. “But I knew you when you were 18.”

“That you did.” 

“It must have been before,” he concludes.

“Nope,” I answer, relishing his shocked laugh.

“When? Tell me! How did I miss this?” he rolls over so he is facing me, we are both giggling now. 

“I guess it’s only fair…” I am drawing this out enjoying his amusement.

“It is! Tell me! Tell me!” he pleads.

“Okay, okay, it was during X-Factor,” he gasps. I pause a moment drawing out the anticipation for him and being sure that I can do this, laugh at this one thing, without thinking about the rest of the circumstances. The terror, the pain, the blood, the loneliness….. No I can do this, for Harry I can do this. “It was when I was at my dad’s.”

His face drops but I laugh genuinely laugh and he takes my cue knowing it’s okay to laugh. “What are the odds?” he smirks.

“It’s like a coming of age ceremony,” I tease both of us dissolving into deep belly laughs at the absurdity of it all. 

As we settle down Harry flings himself at me and wraps me in his arms, “I love you so fucking much.” 

“I love you too baby, I’ve got to make a phone call and then let’s take a nap

“Sounds great,” I move to get out of bed but Harry grabs me, “stay.”

“Okay,” I say, pulling out my phone and opening a copy of our contract and hitting send on some emails I drafted in the car. Then I dial Simon. My heart is pounding a little, I haven’t ever actually called Simon unprompted before but I have to be confident. 

“Louis, didn’t expect to hear from you, how’s America.”

“It’s nice, we’ve been busy.”

“How are you and Harry?”

“Not great Simon, that’s actually why I’m calling.” 

“I hate to hear that, what’s going on?” 

I launch into the story of what happened today being sure to emphasize that Melissa was preventing Harry from using the bathroom. I stroke Harry’s hair as he squirms, I know it is embarrassing to hear me talk to Simon about this but it is necessary.

“Oh no, that’s so unfortunate. Poor guy.”

“It’s a bit more than unfortunate Simon, it’s a breach of our contract.” Harry pulls his head up and looks at me with wide eyes. 

“How is that, Louis.” 

I shift the phone to speaker so I can look at the contract, “Well as you know this contract is an agreement between the five of us and Syco, outlining expectations from each party. On page 32 there's a whole section devoted to health and safety.” I have been studying our contract a lot lately, I know all the ends and outs. “It says that Syco and contractors i.e. Modest! Will not do anything to endanger our health and safety.”

“Okay?” Simon sounds more focused now, he is definitely listening. 

“What happened to Harry today was not only a disregard for his basic human needs but damaging to his physical and mental health. If you check your email you will find that I have sent you several medical journals about the effects of holding your urine for long periods of time on your body and the damage extreme embarrassment can have on your psyche.” 

“I see where you are going with this, Louis.”

“I’m sure you do, we could sue and yes I have personally contracted a lawyer, did so on a bad day in August. I’m sure you remember that day.” 

“I get it, Louis. What is it that you want?” 

“I want Melissa gone.”

“Consider it done.” The phone disconnects before I can say anything else. 

Harry is staring at me shocked and smiling, “I’m impressed.”

I smile at him, a little cocky. “That my love, is how you do things the Tommo way.”

By the time Liam wakes us up from our nap Melissa is gone and we never see her again.

_ “That’s impressive Louis, how old were you, twenty?” _

_ “Yeah.” _

_ “Good on you for taking care of the situation.” _

_ “That’s my Louis, causing hysterical chaos one moment and being a mature caretaker the next. I really don’t know what I would have done that day without you.”  _

_ “Doesn’t matter, you didn’t have to find out.” _

_ “Obviously, that situation was unacceptable. Louis had it right, were there any lasting effects Harry?” _

_ “I was a little down for a few days but Louis kept me laughing and no one else has ever talked about it again, so I was able to leave it in the past.” _

_ “That’s good, when something upsetting happens, it is best to deal with it immediately by talking and feeling your way through it. Makes it less likely that it will fester into a long term trauma.” _

_ *cough* _

_ “Don’t look at me like that, Harry….We were jetting off to Australia in no time.” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was definitely a little strange, not sure why I felt the need to write that. Let me know what you think and leave kudos if you are enjoying this :)


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